Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Sidewalk concerts, books and trying to muddle through

We were driving home from StuffMart last week and were nearly home when we were "treated" to a Christian concert on the streets of our bitty town.  Right across from the town's ice cream parlor.  I wondered how enchanted the customers were, sitting outside trying to enjoy their ice cream while listening to loud "praise" music.  I suppose if you were a Christian, you were probably thrilled.  Not so much if you weren't.  We were just driving through but we weren't happy about it.  For one thing, they were totally blocking the sidewalk.  I can't imagine that's legal.  For another, I was forced to listen to their spiel even if I didn't want to.  It's episodes like this, where Christians insist on cramming their religion down everyone's throats that make it hard for me to get over my bitterness.  And I do try.

I've been trying to read more lately but my concentration, like my energy, sucks.  I'm very slowly pacing through Triumph of the Moon by Professor Ronald Hutton, upon whom I have a massive brain crush.  Plus I'm listening to the Druidcast as often as I can.  I finished up the lecture with Isaac Bonewits.  Unfortunately I wasn't as enthralled with his perspective at the end of the lecture as I was at the beginning.  I've had the same trouble with other teachers as well.  It starts off amazing and interesting, but by the end of their books or lectures, I find fault with their logic or reasoning.  I don't know if it's just me or if they really do have problems fleshing out their logic and reasoning.

Still, I gleaned some good grain from his talk in spite of my disillusionment.  I had read one of his books and had the same problem.  Maybe my expectations are too high.

Right now I'm listening to Philip Carr-Gomm talking about magick.  So far, so good.  We'll see if I am disenchanted with him as well.  I'm also reading The Druid Tradition by him and surprisingly haven't found myself disappointed yet.  And I'm very near the end of that book.

Professor Hutton's book is hard reading for me with my difficulty in concentrating, largely because his thought processes are complex and the print is tiny.  Still, I'm taking my time and muddling through.  I know it's controversial so I want to read for myself instead of letting a blogger define how I feel about the situation.

I'm also muddling through some other books I have on Druidry.  Those have bigger print and are easier to read because, while there is some mighty deep thinking going on, the writing is much less complex.

Aside from some knitting and reading, I'm not getting a lot done, which frustrates me.  I know this fatigue is very real and not me just being lazy but it's hard to believe it.  And if I can't believe it, how can I expect my husband to believe it.  Things were a bit deflating this weekend with snide remarks from him and him not helping me out.  I know he's tired; he works 70 hour weeks consistently. 

I do need to take steps toward better health, one being getting rid of the junk food and not buying anymore.  I tend to tell myself I'll start a health kick as soon as I've finished up all the junk.  Then I just go out and buy more in a moment of weakness.  Hell, I live in moments of weakness.  Hours, days, to be honest.  It doesn't help that it's hot and the only room with air conditioning is Zach's room, which I won't let him use unless the heat is over 90F.  Just can't afford a/c.

I'm also frustrated that I've not been delving into deeper spiritual mines.  I want to but as soon as my brain starts thinking in that direction, I get distracted by one thing or another or lose patience and just quit.  Today while lighting Brighid's candle for morning devotions, I just blanked out and sat looking at the candle for at least 3 minutes.  It occurred to me that maybe that's what I need to do instead of trying to force my mind into a place it's not ready for.

Then I got distracted by the wax overflowing the candle-holder.

Oh, well...I can only do my best and hope that each day I improve on that score. 

May tomorrow be better than today.



  1. Ahhhhhhh, the singing Jesus Freaks....hey, that's an awesome name for them huh? ; )

    Hang in there lady. Sitting in front of a candle with a blank mind is wonderful thing. If something comes to you, let it come. If it remains quiet relish in it. You know how many people pay millions of dollars to have a quiet mind for just a second. Enjoy the quiet.

    As for the heat. I don't know how you do it. I was without air conditioning for a week when ours busted about 7 years ago and I almost killed my husband in a fit of heat induced rage.


  2. Brain crush - I just love that phrase lol!

    Spiritual mining... you have to start small with a strong foundation (without meaning to sound patronizing) Just performing your daily/monthly devotionals is a big thing, even if you don't 'tune in' to something deeper. I find that my life and spirituality go in cycles. I have a period where the spirit world is everywhere I look, I see things and hear things, taste things even. And then I have a period where I don't 'feel' much at all but am focused quite intently on study. Then I'll hit a period where I'm all creative force and will churn out new carvings, or drawings or poetry etc. I'm now hitting a creative period but am desperate to get to my study as I have a pile of books by my bed that I need to read before my library loan runs out! It's not something I can control though, my heart and mind have moved on!! In that rant the point I was trying to make is that maybe now your energies might be better spent elsewhere rather than pushing yourselve down paths that are for another time?

    ~Nellie @abitofgardeningspirit

  3. Thanks, Dark Mother. I'm not good in the consistency department so maybe just sitting with a blank mind is a good start at setting up a routine.

    I haven't lived with air conditioning for over 15 years so I'm used to it aside from the day the heat index goes over 100. Then we just go shopping. But the pets can't tolerate it so we put the a/c in Zach's room partly for them. Plus Zach is going to need sleep once he gets a job.

  4. You may be right, Nellie. I might be trying to skip ahead too far. It would make a lot of sense to build a foundation first before trying to delve the mines of mystery. Thanks.