Friday, June 24, 2011

Things fade away; things bloom and grow

I listened to one of the older OBOD podcasts (because I'm woefully behind on them) for a short time today but it helps to stay connected with other Pagans, however distant that connection may be.  I think one of my problems is lack of community, although it's mostly my own fault.  I still haven't sorted out my need to isolate myself from the world so often.

I'm still getting newsletters from my old church.  Surprisingly this month after reading it, I wasn't homesick at all for the church.  One reason might be because it's like watching something fade from existence, slowly and painfully.  The rector is down to 1/3 time and pay and can't perform all the work she needs to get done in that short amount of time, yet that's all they can afford to pay.  Which means they won't likely ever get another rector there because the pay is too low.  And yet they do nothing to try to grow beyond talking endlessly about it.  It's one of the main reasons Zach quit the vestry...because no one was interested in doing anything more than porch evangelism.  Which means all they wanted to do was have someone outside to welcome newcomers to church.  What newcomers?  No one knows they exist!

There is nothing to draw young people or young couples because with a part-time pastor, you only have a part-time church.  One service a week and Easter and Christmas is less than most people want in a liturgical church.  They want the bells and smells, saints' days, compline, morning worship, etc.  It's sad, really.  I might have gone back for the liturgy if they actually had more of it.  And I'm pretty sure they could have drawn off the many Catholic Churches in our neck of the woods because so many love the liturgy but want more freedom to decide things for themselves.  Lots of lost opportunities there.

I told Zach today that part of me wishes I hadn't lost my faith but I compare it to finding out a spouse has been cheating on you.  You'll never, ever love him the same way, if at all, but part of you wishes you'd never found out about it so you could still have what you had before.

And yet, the truth is always better than living a lie, even if it takes time to adjust.

I'm  perfectly content to be a Pagan, loving the process, growing, learning, relaxing in it.  The frenzy to learn it all and get good at it has dissipated and what's left is a comfortable relationship that has room for growth and freedom to grow.  I do wish I could be completely out of the broom closet, so to speak, but I'm a coward when it comes to my parents.  They still intimidate me after all these years.  And, too, I know that if they knew I was no longer a Christian, they would spend their last years on earth praying frantically for my "salvation."  I know my mother prays every night for my daughter, who converted to Judaism years ago and is completely content in her faith, because she lives in fear that Mandy will spend eternity in hell.  I'm still furious that such a religion exists, that puts people in a panic like that.

I'm also getting more comfortable with Tom being around my rituals or me attending my altar.  I used to curtail any prayers quickly if I heard him coming down the stairs or in the front door.  Now I calmly finish, no matter how long it takes, and he quietly goes about his business until I'm done.  I mean, I'm quiet about it, not chanting loudly or praying at top volume.  It's nice to have that kind of respect.

I'm also spending more time on my knitting and such, thinking of them not as hobbies, but as a trade or a craft.  I really feel a connection with my female ancestors when I'm working on simple things like that.  As well as working toward making my life simpler, more cooking from scratch, working the garden and herbs and such.  I like that feeling and yet I love having technology.  I feel like I'm living in the perfect era for my personality.

But it's time now to shut down the computer and spend some time with the God/desses before settling down for the night with knitting and Oddities.  I love that show!



  1. It's nice to enjoy contrasting things, like high tech and low tech.

  2. Thanks, Debra. I do love the contrast. Making things from scratch or as close to the source as possible helps me to connect with my crafts. But I love having medications that help cure cancers and other diseases, tv, movies, documentaries, etc. And the internet. I have a global family now.