Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Growing is hard to do

It's been so long since I've posted on this blog, mostly because I've just been taking a break from anything that required in-depth thinking.  My brain desperately needs a vacation.

I listened to some of the older OBOD podcasts today while waiting for Zach, this one being a talk given by the late Isaac Bonewits.  I found myself more in agreement with him than I had previously thought.  I do have a special place in my heart for OBOD and will continue to utilize their resources as much as I can.  And who isn't in love with Damh the Bard?  But listening to Isaac speak of Druidism as a religion as opposed to Druidry as a philosophy really resonated with me.  I am content to enjoy many of the lectures, articles and books that describe Druidry as philosophy but I realized a while back that to me, it was a religion.  Because that's what I need spiritually.  I need a religion, not a philosophy.  Whereas Zach needs a philosophy rather than a religion.  Which makes Druidry/ism a perfect fit for both of us.

I'm thinking of joining Ar nDraiocht Fein if nothing else but for the fellowship aspect of it.  It's certainly cheaper than OBOD and definitely close to home.  And I already have the first year book used in training.  Not that I would go for the formal training.  I don't think that's for me, but it would be nice to find some kind of feedback while on my own learning journey. 

I prayed this morning for the first time in a long time.  It was easy to expose myself so completely to the God/desses, in a way I hadn't been able to before.  I really needed that spiritual downtime and will do it again if I need it in the future. 

I've had trouble figuring out just who the Deities are, what they want and what they think of us.  I don't have any answers, but I am slowly relinquishing my previous views on a God who demands much and gives back little, except in a way that punishes those who don't toe the line.  Very hard to trust after a relationship like that.  But I'm learning, and hopefully, giving up the pain.  I told the God/desses today that the wounds are still raw although they don't burn like they did before. 

I didn't manage to celebrate Summer Solstice, as usual.  I seem to have so little energy at those times that I begin to wonder if I'm being drained by those who are drawing energy in during these times.  I've wondered about a spell to protect and shield my energy, especially during special ritual times.  It's always the worst then.  I'm going to look into it and try it on the Dark Moon, one of my favorite times.

In the meantime, I'm going to move slowly in many areas of my life.  I still very much want to lose weight because of my health and spiritual needs, and because I'd like to not look 8 months pregnant at nearly 60.  I'm trying to work out the best way to handle that.  I've finally acknowledged that no matter what I do it will require effort that will be painful, because nothing that overcomes years of abuse to my body can possibly be painless.  Sort of like removing a splinter.  It hurts while it's in, hurts worse while removing it, but afterward the pain goes away so quickly.

Eating disorders suck though!

Well, supper is nearly ready so I'm off to finish up and then crawl into bed, after I make it up.  I really needs some sleep badly.


  1. Moving slowly and taking it easy are wise things to do when your energy is low.

  2. Thanks, Debra. I expend way too much energy beating myself up for not having more energy though. Still, today is a better day and I'm learning not to be my own worst enemy.

  3. Sorry I've been MIA from blog. I just now realized you changed the name and when I saw your new name in my reader I didn't connect the dots ::face palm:: I just caught up with everything and read all your entries after this til the last one.

    Anywho, Amen to the eating disorders sucking. They also suck when they're mixed all up with Depression/Anxiety. It's like one big shit stew.

    When I was in the E.R. last week with Fred the Migraine I kept apologizing to everyone. My son, my husband, the nurses, the doctor. The wonderfully caring nurse took my hand, looked into my eyes and he said to me "you are way to hard on yourself. Cut that crap out" You know the way to my heart is to say something sappy and then follow it up with sass.

    I pass these words of wisdom onto you....
    You are way to hard on yourself. Cut that crap out! ; )

  4. I do that, too. When I had cancer, I kept apologizing for needing help because I was trained not to ask for help as that was a weakness.

    I will try hard to cut that crap out. LOL Thanks.