Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Feeling more optimistic

I'm feeling a bit cheerier today.  More cheery?  Whatever.  I feel more optimistic about my spiritual life.  And I gave myself permission to take a nap today instead of pushing past the fatigue and being miserable the whole day.

I haven't done any studying today but I feel more like it, more like engaging my brain and my spiritual muscles.  That's always a good sign.  I'll probably get a few pages in tonight and hope to get back to some daily candle lighting and meditating tomorrow.

I had hoped to stay home tomorrow but the yarn I needed and bought didn't make it home with me tonight.  The bag fell out of the cart on the way to the parking lot but I thought I picked everything up.  Apparently not.  It's another thing I tend to beat myself up over, not paying enough attention when I'm out and about.  I'll just go back tomorrow and get more yarn to make plenty of dishcloths for my mother so she can give them out as gifts.  She always feels obliged to give out gifts, little ones, to just about everyone so I'm trying to help her out a bit.  Plus I love knitting them.  I can turn those out at 3 or 4 a day if I'm not interrupted much.  And I've got the yarn to do it.

I'm feeling more and more convinced I made the right decision to embrace Paganism. As time goes by, I feel no regrets and only relief and a huge lessening of that burden on my shoulders.  I ran into someone from my old fundie church today at the store and didn't feel like hiding or avoiding her at all.  We never even talked about God or Jesus or anything like that.  We talked about the job we both shared there (props and decorations and set design) and how people don't take care of stuff.  LOL  I loved it that we still had things in common.

I'm almost ready to decorate my altar for Yule.  I won't be putting the tree up just yet as the house is small and decorations bore me after a while but I don't seem to get tired of my altar decorations.  Odd that.  Especially since my house is decorated right now with wet clothes drying on racks.  It's that time of year.  It would be nice to have them in front of a roaring fire but as we have no fire place (or room to put one) I settle for heating vents.  Which means the racks tend to be in the way a lot.  Good thing they're lightweight and movable.

Off to finish cooking supper and then I'm crawling into my pajamas (of sorts) to knit some dishcloths with what I've got.  I should get a few done before bedtime.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Figuring out how to escape

I've been so spiritually lazy lately.  Come to think of it, I've probably always been spiritually lazy.  I've let days go past without reading or studying or doing more than offer a quick prayer to the God/desses.  Part of that is due to my lack of concentration and part of it is not having any set rituals that I'm comfortable with.  But the biggest part is just being plain lazy.  I want to progress spiritually.  I want to grow and develop and improve my relationship with the ancestors and the God/desses.  I'm just a bit lazy about getting it started.

It's not just spirituality.  I have a hard time incorporating various disciplines into my daily life that I'm interested in but just too tired to do anything about.  And let's face it...just too lazy to make the effort to make the habits part of my life.

I'm also lazy about relationships.  I guess part of my laziness is due to the incredible fatigue that just swamps me but relationships are just too much effort for me right now.  So what else can it be besides laziness?

Depression maybe?  Possibly except I don't feel like I'm in the low part of my cycle right now.  I seem to thrive in the dark parts of the year.  Except I'm still so stinking tired.

I have all kinds of grandiose plans that never seem to pan out due to lack of ambition.  Or just plain fatigue.

I spend too much of my time beating myself up for not getting things done when that effort might be better spent on actually just doing what I can and not castigating myself for what I can't get done.

Maybe it's not really laziness after all.  Maybe it's just fatigue and depression immobilizing me.  Withdrawing from the world isn't laziness.  It's depression, for pete's sake!

I simply must stop being my own abuser and just cut myself some slack from now on.  I'll bet that if I could do that, I'd have more energy and interest in things.

How do you defend yourself against an abuser when the abuser is you?

I need to work this out and I think I'm on the verge of an answer.  If only I had the energy to really ponder it.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

I won't be posting tomorrow because it's my official day off from everything including the internet (okay I might cheat and read the comics and news but nothing else).

I'm going to wait until December 1 to change my altar over for Yule but I'm not putting the tree up until the week of Christmas because my house is tiny and I get tired of the decorations pretty quickly.  It won't be much this year because our funds are depleted but we'll get Zach something at least.

And we'll have the crackers.

I'm okay with it because it's better to get nothing than to get something you don't really want or need just because someone has to give you a gift.  I'd rather get what I want during the year as I can afford it.  To be honest, I just can't think of anything I want right now anyway.

Well, more money would be nice.  Getting Tom's salary back with a raise would be even better.

Off to eat supper and curl up for the duration.  Knitting, crocheting, reading and watching tv.  My idea of a holiday.  If it stops raining, I'll go for a walk.  I used to take walks on Thanksgiving; I'd like to get back to doing that.

Have a great day, everyone!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Greedy birds, colder weather and fighting the desire to hibernate

The moon was beautiful tonight.  Low in the sky, full-ish and yellow and looking a bit larger than normal. I am convinced that I need to spend more time outdoors from now on since I feel a need to curl up in my bed all winter long, and that I need to manage my time better.  Now that I'm on the healing side of the hill I plan on trying my best to accomplish those things.  But tonight I'm going to crawl into bed, light a candle or two and catch up on some reading as well as knitting and crocheting.  I find those very spiritual activities.

I'm feeling better although I had a small headache today, which I'm sure will go away as soon as I take something for it.  I'm weaning off the cold medicine and echinacea.

My greedy birds have once again eaten all their food but the wind knocked the top off the gazebo-type feeder and it spilled most of the food on the ground.  I guess the squirrels, mice and rabbits will have their turn for a day or so.  I'll get out there and fill them up again tomorrow with a more stable feeder.  I hope two feeders will be enough.  I noticed they were eating some of the suet today.  It sure got cold enough for them to need it.

I need my bed so I'm off to curl up under the covers.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Clear heads, clear sinuses

I'm much better today in spite of little sleep.  Hoping to get back to reading and studying and developing new rituals and routines.  I do much better when my life is organized.

I saw a 4 year old documentary on Pagans in England with Professor Ronald Hutton on it and I got a bit of a crush on him.  I first heard him on the Druidcast from OBOD and loved his voice and what he had to say.  That he had long hair just clinched it for me.  I'm a sucker for long hair on men.  Zach used to have hair halfway down his back and is growing it out once again.  Tom wears his hair military short, darn it.

I missed out on Full Moon again and a Blue Moon, too.  I'm hoping that my habits will soon develop so I am prepared for these events and holy days.  I'm still drifting a bit.  I do plan on changing my altar to Yule after December 1st.  I won't put the Christmas tree up until nearly Christmas.  We're going to celebrate since Tom is still a Christian but I won't put any religious ornaments up or any religious decorations.  If it means enough to Tom he can put them up.

I'm hoping I can get my house cleaned up so I can smudge it before he gets home.  I'm still not terribly comfortable doing rituals around him.  I'm glad I have the freedom to practice my religion openly but I don't absolutely trust him not to mock my beliefs.  It's a long history that I used to have on my other blog but deleted because I didn't want him to read it and I got to thinking it wasn't entirely appropriate for me to use that blog as a punching bag.

Off to eat supper and then fall into bed and knit some more.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I'm getting there

Thanks for the well wishes.  I'm such a baby about getting sick.  I used to be tough about it and work through it all, playing the martyr.  Since chemo I just end up whining.  I lost my competitive edge, I guess.

I was outside the other day hanging out clothes and saw some crows chasing something.  After a cacophony of crow music, one single-handedly ended up chasing the hawk off.  It was beautiful.  I love them both so I wasn't cheering one side over the other but it was a site to behold, watching them.  Then the next day I was on my way to the store after dark (which these days is anytime after 4:30 p.m.) and a barn owl flew right in front of the car as I was leaving town.  Gorgeous! 

Tom and I had a frank talk the night before he left for deer hunting in which he told me he knew years ago I didn't have any faith in God.  Apparently since he did, he could tell that I didn't. I admit I found the remark condescending because his logic was that since I had never had a "moment" when I realized I was lost in my sins, I never had a conversion.  I didn't want to argue with him but his logic was faulty because only in the evangelical world does that exist.  It doesn't work that way in liturgical churches.  But then again, he doesn't think liturgical churches take God seriously.  He told me that when I left St. Mark's.  He said that his impression was that no one there really took God seriously. 


Anyway, it's good to be able to talk about my beliefs openly now although there is always a smug look or an eye-roll that he thinks I don't see.  But he did take the amulet I made for him and said he would carry it in his pocket while hunting.  I don't know how much good it will do as I was sick when I consecrated it but I did feel a small buzz of energy from it afterward.  Very small, mind.

He did tell me that he didn't like me much when I was "religious."  I have to admit I was a pretty smug, arrogant know-it-all.  Because being right was the only way I knew how to practice my "faith."  I suspect I'm not alone in that either.

This morning I woke up to a huge black cat under the bird feeders.  Silly cat.  They were in the bushes waiting for her to leave 'cause they're not stupid.  Professor sure didn't like the cat in our yard but she just moseyed up to the back door where I was holding a frantic chihuahua and preened for a bit before wandering back to her own yard.  Professor was trying to get through the glass to eat her.  In spite of her being much, much larger than Professor.

We're looking at a possibility of snow on Thursday.  I'm holding out on putting the field corn out for the squirrels and crows and rabbits until the first snow.  I'm going to hang it from the pear tree this year because it gets buried under the snow.  It's the only time of year I feed them so I don't feel bad about it.  I've heard "lectures" from people who insist it's wrong because they come to rely on your handouts and won't forage for themselves, but I don't feed them yearlong.  Just the one gift a year.

Besides, I seriously doubt if anyone can keep up with all the wildlife in their neighborhoods to the degree they wouldn't have to forage for themselves at all.

Off to crawl into bed and hope I can get over this sinus infection that is a result of the wondrous flu I've been enduring the past week. 

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I'll be back

Down with the flu for now so I'm not feeling particularly spiritual.  I'll write more when I'm over this and am back to what is normal for me.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Trying to find the positive

I think I'm finally on the  upswing from the fatigue/pain flare up of my fibromyalgia.  At least I'm going to pretend I am so I can be more positive about it.

I haven't been studying much the past couple of days due to the brain fog that always accompanies the fatigue.  Not so much the pain though.  I've been known to have a clear mind throughout a painful period, which is one of the reasons I'd rather suffer through the pain than the fatigue.

I have, however, been forging a better relationship with the Goddess/Gods by just communicating with them.  A few lit candles and some silent time has done more for me than the studying.  The studying is beneficial, however, just not crucial for a relationship.

I have hopes of continuing on with the studies and keeping my daily observances...well...daily.  I also hope to spend more time outside as well.  Even though our "false spring" (how the hell can it be a false spring when we haven't even had winter yet?) is over and the temps will be dropping.  I'm feeling called outdoors.

For tonight, however, I'm just muddling through doing the mundane things.  Hopefully all this sleep from the past couple of days has done the trick and my body has repaired itself a bit.  Time will tell.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A few pictures but more of the same

I've been spending less time online and more time in crafting and studying but not enough in catching up with my chores.  I think that will come in time if I can get my health situation back on track.  I realize more and more how the health/spiritual connection is so central to a person's well-being.  When I'm so tired I can't function, my brain shuts down and I feel completely empty.  Now I just have to figure out how to work the two together.

I took some pictures of my Samhain altar.  They're not great because my bedroom is dark but I'll show them anyway.  I also took some pictures of the ancestor wall above my altar.  And the witch figure I got at the Thrift store for less than a dollar.

My crystals are in the center.  The lovely meditation beads are a gift from Tana (as were the crystals).  The empty candle holder at the rear is Lugh's candle holder.  It will remain empty until Yule when he is reborn.

You can see my corn dollie in the upper right.  I have a problem in finding other people's altars so much nicer and better decorated than mine.  I really wish I could stop comparing myself to everyone else.

The ancestor wall.  My God's Eye is there, too, along with some pictures of my grandmothers and grandfathers, Tom's parents as well.  The lower picture is my Goddess picture in three forms:  maiden, mother, crone.  I'll try to get a better picture of it.

There is my little witch next to a picture of my late mother-in-law. I keep my spare candles and holders on top of the entertainment center.  I have few flat spaces in my house and none that are empty.  I got a closer picture of my little witch but it was all washed out from the flash.  I'll try to get a better picture of her as well.

I wish I could say I'm learning a lot but what I'm learning is more about me than about Druidry or Wicca.  Which, I suppose, is where I needed to start anyway.  I'm learning to follow my intuition which is easier when I'm not in the deficit on energy.  And I discovered today that my concentration is coming back along with my retention.  The studying is helping in that area.  I had forsaken being able to learn anything since chemo.

But for now, I need to go lie down because in spite of getting sleep again, I've still got no energy.  I am taking notes to talk this over with the doctor next month though.  I'm thinking I've got Chronic Fatigue Syndrome as well as the Fibromyalgia, which has its own fatigue symptoms as well.  I'm also going to be talking to Tom about taking a few days away from it all (although I'm planning on staying in my room) on a weekend so he and Zach can do what needs to be done.  I just need time to not have to take care of anyone else for at least a couple of days.  I haven't had a day off from that in over 22 years.

I'm hoping when I get to the bottom of this, my blogging on both blogs will be more consistent.  And interesting.  How boring it must be to read about my pain and fatigue all the time.

I'm off to get the clothes off the line and into bed.  Zach is fixing supper tonight.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I need to find a spell for sleep

I ended up having a small ceremony of sorts at my indoor altar because I'm suffering through debilitating fatigue due in part to no sleep.  Or lack of.  I lit some candles and some special incense and spoke with my grandmother and my mother-in-law.  I was too tired to listen for a response but that's okay.  In time, now that the election is nearly over and I won't get woken up early in the morning with those frelling automated calls, I'll be back to barely functioning instead of not functioning at all.

I put an electric candle in the window to light the way for the ancestors.  I started out with a bigger candle but it was scented (vanilla) and gave me a headache.  I switched to an electric tea candle, which I have enough of, but I'd really prefer the bigger one.  Maybe as it's used the scent won't be so strong.  I'll keep vigil until Yule.

I'm still being amazed how supportive Tom is about all this. 

I wasn't even able to read at all yesterday.  My mind just wouldn't work well enough to retain a paragraph.

Still, I was able to watch a few documentaries that raised my blood pressure.  One was about the Gates of Hell which reminded me why I left Christianity and why I'm so glad not to be immersed in it anymore.  I couldn't handle all the salivating over the people who were being tortured in hell because they didn't check the right box.  But it did explain why so many "Christians" are in love with the idea of torturing people for information.  And justifying the death penalty.  Which made me think of human sacrifice since the Christians I have known in the past always attributed the death penalty to their God and how justice must be exacted and how God loves it when you kill off your prisoners.  Sounds like human sacrifice to me.  At least it's how the ancient Celts did it, and the Romans though they wouldn't call it that.

I won't be able to study tonight as I only got a few hours sleep before the asshole Ron Johnson called me this morning waking me up to tell me why I should vote for him.  Not a chance, I can tell you.  I'm not sure I'll be much good knitting either.  But I need to finish winterizing in case I break down and turn the furnace on tomorrow.  So I'm off to get something done before I crash.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Another day on the right path

Today's reading on the Earth Path (The Druidry Handbook) discussed various ways of being ecologically  responsible.  There was a list or two of various things one could do to accomplish this but since I already do over half of them and the other just aren't feasible, my reading felt a bit empty today.

I did read a bit in Druid Magic about shapeshifting (no, not like in Twilight) which was really interesting and had more to do with creating spiritual personas rather than actually turning into a creature.  I'm not sure this is something I want to pursue, however.  But it was interesting.

I also started reading in the Tarot book I got from the library since I really feel that's an area I want to work in.  I also got out my Scott Cunningham books to work through as well.  It was a pretty productive morning in spite of not getting up until around 10:30.  I would have slept longer but Professor doesn't like me staying in bed when he wants to get up.  It doesn't matter if everyone else is up.  He thinks I need to be awake as well.

I do need to focus on sleep but since I determined that I am the Moon instead of the Sun, I'm not going to struggle against my natural sleep patterns and try to get up early anymore.  I'll let myself sleep in and not fight getting to sleep early.  I just need to make sure I'm getting enough sleep. 

We didn't celebrate Samhain last night.  I really need to learn to put up barriers because every holiday that has gone by since starting on this path, I've had my energy completely drained to the point I can't do anything to celebrate.  I didn't figure it out until Sunday what has been going on. 

I am going to try to do something indoors tonight.  I just don't have the energy to go outside to set it up or to perform any rituals out there.  Indoors will be something simple and not overly exhausting although I do plan on going out to speak to Pearl, my beloved cat who is buried up on the hill and leave some gifts for the crows and squirrels.  It's all they get for the year although the crows have been known to steal the suet.

I will speak also to my grandmother tonight but I'll do that indoors.  She's been on my mind lately and I wonder if my gifts came from her.  She was a bit of a seer, I discovered, and I suspect her Christianity was more cultural than devout.  Not that she was secretly Pagan, but I do believe she was more in tune with the Otherworld than any of my other family.  And yet I knew her the least out of all my grandparents.

I'm also planning on leaving a meal for Pearl on my neglected outdoor altar, which I really do intend to fix up this week.  I just need energy to do that.

Well, I am off to knit for a while and watch some documentaries I dvr'd.  One about the Trail of Tears and another about animals.  I just can't remember which animal.  Hazy brained today.

Blessed Dio de los Muertos to everyone.  Or Happy All Saints Day to those who celebrate that instead.