I have neglected both this blog and my journal due to still experiencing serious insomnia. I don't think well when I'm sleep deprived and since thinking is required to formulate a post, it just wasn't going to happen. Happily, I've gotten sleep the past couple of nights so I'm going to give it a go.
The more I study the Druidry Handbook, the more I question my path. At least the path of pure Druidry. I know that there is much about it that speaks to me and calls to me, but it is a religious path and not a philosophical one I am seeking. The curriculum for AODA is hugely academic in nature, with a requirement of 9 books read on various subjects on Nature, study one of the seven spirals, blah, blah, blah. It sounds like seminary, to be honest. I looked into OBOD's curriculum which seems to be more experiential, which is what I'm looking for, but it's way out of reach and still too structured.
Then there is the notion that no one can really be a Druid because it takes so long to achieve that status. That there are three levels of which you need to choose one. You can be a Bard, knowing poetry, stories, music, etc. You can be an Ovate, knowing the more spiritual aspects like divination, magic, etc. Or you can be a Druid, the wise helping person who heals and teaches.
What if I just want to be an ordinary person who knows a little bit about all of that?
It made me question whether I really want to be a Druid after all. By that I mean associate my path as such. There is an aspect of me that associates with witchcraft as well. Not Wicca, but witchcraft. And I want that as well. Green witch, hedge witch...something like that. I love the magic of witchcraft more than I like the magic of Druidry. I love the moon over the sun. I love the night with a deep, deep passion.
Don't get me wrong. I love the books on Druidry I'm reading but I also love the books on Wicca I'm reading as well. I find wisdom in both. There is direction and teaching in both paths that make me feel more like a balanced person. I've seen references made to Druidcraft, which is the combining of both paths. It has a more eclectic feel for me.
I think I need to stop trying to put a label on what I am and just enjoy the learning. I have so much I want to learn, especially in herbs, crystals, divination, magic. And while I do love Nature and feel a reverence for her I don't want to forsake the modern world and give up technology. I like the idea of simplifying my life, but I'm not cut out for going back to the simple life. I do what I can, but I don't want to feel guilty for loving television and movies and the computer.
I just don't have a balance right now and I think that's why I feel so out of whack. I am spending less time online and more time reading and knitting, as well as other crafts, but it's not about not using the computer. It's about following my heart. I still struggle with mindsets from years of institutional religion, thinking I need someone in authority over me to tell me how to walk my path. That may be, but it's not a person, especially not one who doesn't know me. I'm more convinced I need to find my spirit guide and make that connection.
I discovered this week that the crow is my power animal so I plan on exploring that relationship as well. I also think I need to write in the blog more often because it does help me organize my thought and focus. I still write in my spiritual journal because there are things I that are just too personal. Plus the writing is an exercise for me as well, different from this kind of writing.
I keep overthinking this...more baggage from my past. I hope this blessed Samhain will be the start of a new year for me, a new way of thinking. Learning to focus and meditate. Learning about those things I have a passion for. Learning to walk alone without fear. And know that I'm not really alone, that I have the Crow and my spirit guide with me.
I'm excited about this, actually. I feel more in control of my life in a way I haven't felt for many a year. If ever. I love throwing off the labels and following my heart, my calling. I love not having someone over me telling me what I should learn and what I should believe.
It may sound silly that I have just figured all this out, but I have 50+ years of indoctrination to overcome and it's not happening overnight.