Sunday, October 24, 2010

Commitment isn't a four letter word

One of my greatest failings is I don't often finish what I start.  As a result, I tend to avoid committing to things because I end up being unreliable which makes me feel even worse about myself.  So one of the books I got a couple of weeks ago is apparently the text used for initiation into Druidry for one of the American Druid organizations.  One I might be interested in joining.  But again with the commitment thing.

It actually sounds like a lot of work.  Not in the sense of manual labor, digging ditches and clearing the wilderness or building rustic huts for spiritual retreats.  No, it involves examining myself and my motives, exploring what it means to be a Druid, meditating, and journaling.

On a daily basis.

And yet, I'm not happy just drifting along this way.  Between the three books I own on Druidry, I have enough to go through a year's study, if not longer.  At the very least I could go from saying I am on the Druid path to saying I'm studying to be a Druid.  It may not seem like a fine distinction but to me it's the difference between renting or owning.  I want to own my spirituality.  The rent is getting too high.

So I bought a journal today and am setting forth with much fear and trembling that I might fail again.  I called upon the God/desses to help me in my endeavors, knowing that the responsibility is mine alone.  Ain't no sky daddy going to pluck me up and give me the courage and stamina required to do this.  And yet, knowing they are cheering me on gives me incentive.  They called me to this path so I'm pretty darned sure they're not going to be throwing obstacles in my way to "test" me.  I think they want me to succeed.

Sundays are difficult days to do rituals or study because I don't have any privacy on the weekends.  Where my son is good at respecting my closed curtains, my husband isn't.  He just walks in regardless without knocking on the nearest wooden structure.  In the scheme of things, though, it's not worth arguing over.  I just make adjustments as best I can.  Samhain is on a Sunday but I'll be outside and I doubt he'll follow me out there.  On the other hand he might be curious enough to observe, which I'm okay with because he's been terrifically supportive about both my and Zach's spiritual changes.

I found a nice, square black candle at the thrift store yesterday for $1.99 so I bought it and today when I went back with Tom to show him the new location, they had another identical candle out for the same price so I bought it, too.  And a cute little statuette of a witch, complete with green skin and black cat.  She's keeping vigil over my altar right now.

And speaking of my altar.  Tomorrow I will take a picture of it now that I have the wall of ancestors up.  I talked to my parents today finding out information about their parents.   When I put the pictures up I remembered something about my maternal grandmother.  She was supposedly a bit psychic.  She was good at locating lost things for people.  They would come to her and she would let them know where the item was.  I've been feeling her calling to me from beyond the veil the past few days, as it becomes thinner and thinner.  I also hear my beloved cat, Pearl, calling to me, too.  Hannibal is acting a bit strange and has spent many a day sitting just below her grave on the hill behind the house.  Normally he sits further up and over from there.

My Tarot cards are starting to bond with me but they're still not speaking yet.  I know this is the deck I'm supposed to have but I don't know why they're taking their time becoming one with me.  I'm going to pick up a book at the library that uses Rider-Waite and see if that helps because the booklet that goes with the cards is next to useless.  The meanings of the cards according to the booklet doesn't sound right to me.

I'm spending less and less time online and more and more time with crafts, housework, getting healthy and reading.  My life is so much better but I do miss running into people online.  I must make the effort to stay in touch.  It's very important to me.

Time to get ready for bed.  I'm getting to bed earlier as well and it seems to be doing me some good both with energy and emotionally.  I'm hoping sleep is the key to controlling my depression.

Have a good week everyone.

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