Friday, October 8, 2010

Letting myself recover

Normally I don't do that.  My instinct is to push through the headache, achy joints, stuffy nose and coughing and get things done.  As a result the cold or flu hangs on longer than most people seem to endure.  So this time I'm resting, doing the bare minimum and employing slave labor (poor Zach) so I can just rest.  I think, even though my work load isn't unbearable, it's a case of never taking a day off from those mundane chores in nearly 24 years of marriage.  Aside from when I was going through chemo and even then I still had the basics to take care of, including shopping and homeschooling.  I think I got to take off 2 days after my mastectomy.  We had one vacation, more than 15 years ago, in which we went camping where guessed it...cooked and cleaned in the wilderness while the guys went off canoeing and shit.

I think it's just a situation of overload.  I tend to do a lot of giving, putting myself out there without taking anything in. I've been trained not to accept help from anyone, not to accept gifts (I'm working on that one though) and that selflessness is the higher calling.  As a result, my cup is constantly empty, rarely refilled.  It's not that I'm such a saint or anything.  It's just that I don't have balance in my life.

I'm learning to ask for help and to accept it when given, but it's still very uncomfortable and very difficult to do.  Shedding old and bad habits is hard, especially when you've been conditioned to believe they were virtues.

I haven't felt particularly spiritual this week although I look longingly at my altar from time to time.  I tried to do some reading yesterday but I kept falling asleep, which really was the better option.  Except when I couldn't get to sleep last night until 5 a.m.  And with a chihuahua who thinks me in bed means he's not getting his due attention, the sleep was interrupted.  Several times.  I ended up sleeping until 1 p.m. though so I don't expect to get to bed early tonight either.

The cycle continues.

When I get through this I intend to make some changes in the way I live my life, changing priorities and such and making more time for me.  And putting getting healthy, physically, emotionally and spiritually, up there on top.

In the meantime, I'm going to bed to doze a bit and maybe knit and watch some television while Zach does my chores today.

Because I can.

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