Family ties that choke

Remember when I mentioned that Tom was respectful of my practices and that I was learning to not shut down when he walked into the room?  Well, forget that.  I was attending my altar yesterday morning and was standing in front of my altar praying when Tom came downstairs and started talking to me, which I didn't respond to as I was trying to concentrate on my prayers.  Then he came into the living room looking for Professor's ball, digging around my feet looking under the skirt of the altar for it, hollering at Professor to come and play and then playing ball with him right behind me.

I finally gave up with apologies to the God/desses.  But I was a bit downcast the rest of the weekend.

I must learn the difference between someone saying what they believe and how they act that out.  I'm always fooled and betrayed by it.

I called my mother this morning because if I don't keep in touch, there is a family intervention.  I'm not kidding.  So I called and in the course of the discussion she asked if Zach could use our pastor as a character reference on his employment applications.  Well, in the first place, most businesses, unless they are run by Christians, don't want to see that as most pastors don't give honest evaluations, not wanting to piss off church members.  But I mentioned we weren't going there anymore...and...there...was...dead...silence.  I've been pretty sure that my older sister, the American Baptist minister who has been snitching on me all my life told her I was a Pagan now because I was subject to a few miraculous "examples" of proof that God exists around the time Peg found out.  Then I wasn't so sure because the lectures died out.  But now I figure she either didn't believe Peg or believed she had changed my mind.  At any rate, she was not happy.

But I changed the subject which she was happy to do as she lives on a river in Egypt and always has.  Zach told me the other day I would be happier if I was completely out of the broom closet but I'm telling you that the interventions haven't begun yet and I would be bombarded by nearly every family member telling me how my eternal soul was in danger of damnation, not to mention having to listen to what an evil child I've been all my life.

I have spent the greater part of my life believing I was the dysfunctional one in the family because to society they look so fucking normal.  Now I believe I was no more dysfunctional than they are but at least I know I am.

Still, I'm not ready to out myself.

And I'm not ready to end the relationship with my family because it's not as easy as just shutting down communication.  I would be relentlessly harassed by other members of the family who would tell me how much I'm hurting our parents and what a bad daughter I am, etc.  I'm just not ready for that.

I do miss having some kind of family interaction but for as long as I can remember it's always been about conforming to their way of life and me having to change who I am.  I absolutely never had the option to be myself around them.  Except when I was a fundie.  They seemed to like that even while finding fault with every other aspect of myself.

I really hope reincarnation is true because I'd really like a better shot at life with better relationships and better choices.  Not that it's a given or anything. 

In the meantime, I try to keep conversations about gardening and the weather.  It's the only safe subjects to talk about.

BB