Wednesday, April 25, 2012

You were right, Hippy.

I place too many burdens on my shoulders and decisions don't come easy to me.  You might think they come too easy the way I flit from one thing to another, but it's because I can't make the one right decision that I make all the wrong decisions.

The past few days I've been in another sleep deficit and while I'm not sleeping, I'm thinking.  Probably a big mistake but one I continue to make.  It occurred to me that if I truly was on a particular path that was really right for me, I would be excited about it.  I mean excited...not mildly enthused.  I can't bring myself to delve into the many books I bought about Heathenry.  I'm still interested, but not excited.  More a scholarly interest rather than something I want to jump into and splash about excitedly in.  I just can't bring myself to actually read the damn books.

Which is a dilemma for me because I spent a lot of money on those books, thinking that spending money would keep me on track.  It doesn't.  Because Hippy was right all along.  I've got to get rid of my all-or-nothing baggage or I'll never be able to move forward.

Fortunately, I had a breakthrough last night, while drifting in and out of sleep.  I've been trying to find a religion to replace the one I left behind.  One with rules and rituals and defined gods and goddesses that have specific characteristics and fleshed out mythologies.  It's the worst thing in the world for me.  One of my old prayers used to be..."and all the gods and goddesses who call upon me to do their will."  And yet, I wouldn't listen to anyone outside the particular pantheon I was presently trying to make my own.

Persephone was persistent and broke through my muddle last night.  She whispered in my ear, letting me know she was still my goddess, that Hecate was with her and if I would just stop trying so hard, they would let me know where I should walk.

I woke up with enthusiasm for the first time in a long time.  Real enthusiasm.  Instead of trying to believe whatever the pantheon's mythology taught about things spiritual, I should find the path that fits the things I already believe about spirits, afterlife and such.  The bottom line is...what I really want is just witchcraft.  Just that.  Not Wicca or any magic associated with a particular mythology.  Just witchcraft.  And to listen to the gods and goddesses who would come to me on that path, whether they are part of a particular pantheon or not.

The harder I looked to find my way, the more I kept sliding back to what I left behind.  My heart is free and liberal, yet I kept falling into pantheons that were conservative and rule-bound.  Which is wonderful if that's where your heart is.  Not so much if it isn't.

I'm still very interested in the various gods and goddesses and will probably continue to study them, but I am going my own way, which is what Persephone sang to me last night.  It's a break up song, basically, but what I got from it was that I needed to break up with my need for structure and everything in its place and let the winds blow where they will.

So...I'm breaking up with the pantheons and religion.  I'm going to learn more about witchcraft, magic, spirits and the gods and goddesses who call upon me to do their will. 


  1. I love your post! I get where you've been coming from in your last few posts. As I've been wandering in the corners of my mind and heart wondering what path do I belong on. I hope one day or night I will hear the words of the Goddess as clearly as you heard Persephone.
    I'm drawn to Druidry, Avalon, Elves and Faeries, but also to Goddesses like Persephone, Artemis, Bast, and the many of the Celtic Goddesses. I feel like if I don't "do" something with structure then I'd be doing it wrong. But I can't do the structure because it just doesn't feel right, or maybe it's fear of doing it wrong or not having the "proper" tools.

    I am happy for you. May the Goddess shine upon you and all that you do. Blessed Be.

  2. Ellie! Good to hear from you. I see you're in a better place now and I'm happy for you. As for Persephone and all the other gods, when I hear from them it's with my mind's ear. When I see them it's with my mind's eye. I haven't been fortunate to hear an audible voice yet. And yet, I have no doubt that I'm hearing from them.

    I feel so free now that I can go on my own path and not have to stay on the rigid highway. Go with who is drawing you and leave the structure behind. A cathedral in the woods has no walls or ceiling. Let our paths be like that cathedral.

    Thanks, and so good to hear from you again.

  3. :) It was good to talk to you today about some of this. ~hugs~ I hope if you decide to poke about in our 101 you find something that helps you find what is right for you. Sometimes you have to do a lot of searching and learning and fumbling to get where you want to be.


    1. Thanks, Cin. I looked over the pdfs last night and printed out some of them. It will take me a while to catch up (if I ever do...LOL) but I will persevere at it. I'm sure it will help me a lot even if it turns out not to be an exact match. But then, I've learned I don't need exact matches anymore. :) Hugs back atcha.

  4. Kathy~ just a couple of have a major breakthru! Congratulations!

    I'm glad your hearing the call. Sometimes it's faint, especially over the screaming and whining of our own minds (believe me, I get that!). But if we sit still long enough...


    BTW, I do the mind's voice and eye thing too. Rarely do I hear/see anything "physical." It happens, but not so very often. And I'm ok with that.

    Thank you for sharing your struggles. It makes the rest of us feel more normal...! ;-)

    1. Thanks, Camylleon. There are times, I admit, when I want to just delete this blog because I feel so foolish for bouncing all over the place looking for what's right for me. But comments like yours make it worthwhile.

      I never experienced the mind's eye and voice while a Christian...well, in the Christian sense. I had experiences with psychic phenomena until I shut it down after being "convinced" it was from "Satan." It has taken a while to open up those aspects and to trust them, but I feel very good about it now.

      Thanks so much for your comments. :)