You were right, Hippy.

I place too many burdens on my shoulders and decisions don't come easy to me.  You might think they come too easy the way I flit from one thing to another, but it's because I can't make the one right decision that I make all the wrong decisions.

The past few days I've been in another sleep deficit and while I'm not sleeping, I'm thinking.  Probably a big mistake but one I continue to make.  It occurred to me that if I truly was on a particular path that was really right for me, I would be excited about it.  I mean excited...not mildly enthused.  I can't bring myself to delve into the many books I bought about Heathenry.  I'm still interested, but not excited.  More a scholarly interest rather than something I want to jump into and splash about excitedly in.  I just can't bring myself to actually read the damn books.

Which is a dilemma for me because I spent a lot of money on those books, thinking that spending money would keep me on track.  It doesn't.  Because Hippy was right all along.  I've got to get rid of my all-or-nothing baggage or I'll never be able to move forward.

Fortunately, I had a breakthrough last night, while drifting in and out of sleep.  I've been trying to find a religion to replace the one I left behind.  One with rules and rituals and defined gods and goddesses that have specific characteristics and fleshed out mythologies.  It's the worst thing in the world for me.  One of my old prayers used to be..."and all the gods and goddesses who call upon me to do their will."  And yet, I wouldn't listen to anyone outside the particular pantheon I was presently trying to make my own.

Persephone was persistent and broke through my muddle last night.  She whispered in my ear, letting me know she was still my goddess, that Hecate was with her and if I would just stop trying so hard, they would let me know where I should walk.

I woke up with enthusiasm for the first time in a long time.  Real enthusiasm.  Instead of trying to believe whatever the pantheon's mythology taught about things spiritual, I should find the path that fits the things I already believe about spirits, afterlife and such.  The bottom line is...what I really want is just witchcraft.  Just that.  Not Wicca or any magic associated with a particular mythology.  Just witchcraft.  And to listen to the gods and goddesses who would come to me on that path, whether they are part of a particular pantheon or not.

The harder I looked to find my way, the more I kept sliding back to what I left behind.  My heart is free and liberal, yet I kept falling into pantheons that were conservative and rule-bound.  Which is wonderful if that's where your heart is.  Not so much if it isn't.

I'm still very interested in the various gods and goddesses and will probably continue to study them, but I am going my own way, which is what Persephone sang to me last night.  It's a break up song, basically, but what I got from it was that I needed to break up with my need for structure and everything in its place and let the winds blow where they will.

So...I'm breaking up with the pantheons and religion.  I'm going to learn more about witchcraft, magic, spirits and the gods and goddesses who call upon me to do their will.