I have a bad habit of only being "spiritual" when I feel like it. On those days when I feel like shit, when I'm so tired I can hardly drag myself out of bed or when my mood is set at rage factor 12+, I don't pray, visit my altar or even acknowledge the gods at all. And my thinking at this time is...I'll start over when I feel better.
Yesterday was "get the taxes done before you suffer a meltdown" day. I went into it thinking we were going to owe Uncle Sam more than we had in our bank account because Tom had started them over the weekend before his own meltdown prevented him from finishing them. Of course I reverted to my Christian thinking that I was being punished for whatever sin I had committed this time and wondering just when the gods were going to give me a break. Just once.
So...I didn't pray yesterday morning. Didn't greet the Sun or invoke Frigg. Didn't light any candles or burn incense. Totally ignored the gods until I sat down and tried to find the mistake and couldn't. Then I did nothing but whine. And panic.
Eventually I cooled down enough to start over and found the mistake Tom had made. In the end we got back a bit. Enough to pay our property taxes next January. Not much but enough. Not enough for that new kayak Tom wants but enough.
As soon as I finished them, I looked up to see my cold, dark altar. I couldn't approach it last night after my meltdown and after having ignored the gods while I was having my pity party. Instead I just went to bed without any reading or studying or praying. After a miserable night of no sleep because of panic that I had done the taxes wrong and having to get up a million times to mentally re-do them, I finally got up this afternoon and immediately went into the kitchen to my hearth altar.
As soon as I lit the candle, I felt Frigg there with me. I also felt her annoyance that I only seemed to come to her when I was in the mood. I realized that a lot of my reticence to establish a steady practice is because I am always starting over. Some of it has to do with feeling like I'm doing it wrong or that I'm not good enough. Or that I have to be in a particular spiritual place in order to perform rituals or pray.
So I spoke to Frigg. I lit the incense and spoke to her and felt her with me, supporting me, encouraging me. I need to stop with the do-overs. I need to commit totally and not just when I'm in the mood. It frightened me a bit but I did make that promise to Frigg and the other gods, that I would worship them every day and not just when I was in the mood for it.
I must admit that committing like that is scary but what relationship is worth anything if it's not consistent and based on more than a mood? Is love really love if it's only around when you feel like it?
Yesterday was "get the taxes done before you suffer a meltdown" day. I went into it thinking we were going to owe Uncle Sam more than we had in our bank account because Tom had started them over the weekend before his own meltdown prevented him from finishing them. Of course I reverted to my Christian thinking that I was being punished for whatever sin I had committed this time and wondering just when the gods were going to give me a break. Just once.
So...I didn't pray yesterday morning. Didn't greet the Sun or invoke Frigg. Didn't light any candles or burn incense. Totally ignored the gods until I sat down and tried to find the mistake and couldn't. Then I did nothing but whine. And panic.
Eventually I cooled down enough to start over and found the mistake Tom had made. In the end we got back a bit. Enough to pay our property taxes next January. Not much but enough. Not enough for that new kayak Tom wants but enough.
As soon as I finished them, I looked up to see my cold, dark altar. I couldn't approach it last night after my meltdown and after having ignored the gods while I was having my pity party. Instead I just went to bed without any reading or studying or praying. After a miserable night of no sleep because of panic that I had done the taxes wrong and having to get up a million times to mentally re-do them, I finally got up this afternoon and immediately went into the kitchen to my hearth altar.
As soon as I lit the candle, I felt Frigg there with me. I also felt her annoyance that I only seemed to come to her when I was in the mood. I realized that a lot of my reticence to establish a steady practice is because I am always starting over. Some of it has to do with feeling like I'm doing it wrong or that I'm not good enough. Or that I have to be in a particular spiritual place in order to perform rituals or pray.
So I spoke to Frigg. I lit the incense and spoke to her and felt her with me, supporting me, encouraging me. I need to stop with the do-overs. I need to commit totally and not just when I'm in the mood. It frightened me a bit but I did make that promise to Frigg and the other gods, that I would worship them every day and not just when I was in the mood for it.
I must admit that committing like that is scary but what relationship is worth anything if it's not consistent and based on more than a mood? Is love really love if it's only around when you feel like it?
What a deeply fantastic post. You are not alone in this.
ReplyDeleteThanks, my friend. I know your struggle has been similar to mine although along a different path so you know what it's like. Once this week is over I plan on sorting through my mental mess and focusing on the things and people who are most important to me. So I plan on a long pm to you! LOL!
Delete