The mojo finds its way home

I'm doing a bit better today.  Thanks so much for the encouragement last night.  I think my mojo is coming back although I still haven't made it to the post office, Tana.  Sorry.

I got a few projects going with my knitting and crocheting.  I'm crocheting an earth shawl for myself.  It's in a chocolate brown and a very simple single and double crochet but it comes out very long and very Earth Mother like.  Well, to me anyway.  I have some off-white yarn that I might crochet another shawl out of for my air shawl.  I have a beaded scarf I knit to use for my fire element.  Not everything has to be the same.

And I got back to my art as well.  I'm not very good still but I'm getting there with ideas finally and motivation, at last.  Watching the documentaries from the extended version of The Lord of the Rings really motivates me because I see them living their dreams, being creative and persevering toward the goal.  I have no ambition or motivation and never really have had.  I'm hoping that my new-found direction will include those as well.

Here's my tree out back although drawn from my imagination and apparently several years into the future as the real tree is still an infant.  The rocks in the center of the picture are the altar I hope to set up sometime soon.

I also did some studying on Druidry, too.  Worked on my Book of Shadows and my Book of Pagan Prayers.  I'm making progress but that's another thing I need to do regularly and not sporadically, as I have been doing.  I'm reading a book by Robert Price about various religions, particularly neo-gnosticism (of course from the perspective that they are ridiculous) and it's boring me to tears.  Also a biography about Frank Sinatra that is also boring beyond belief. 

One of my big issues is not finishing what I start so I struggle through trying to finish books I begin.  I think my efforts are better spent in some other area because these books are just a waste of time.  I got the Price book because someone recommended it because it dealt with Joel Osteen, whose Christian theology seems to be a bit sketchy, but I've discovered that I'm just not interested in reading anything about Christianity anymore.  At least not in a doctrinal/theological way. 

So these will go into the book bag for their return to the library next week.  In the meantime I'll start The Dark is Rising by Susan Cooper (book 2 of the series) and The Silmarillion.  I haven't read that all the way through yet.  I also need to re-read The Lord of the Rings again.  Okay, maybe not need, but I'd like to.

Plus all the lovely books that Tana got me on Druidry, Witchcraft, Herbs and Crystals.  All very, very good and fascinating books!

I'm spending less time online, thankfully so that's a start.  I'm leaving behind things that are destructive to my well-being and looking into things that are helpful to me both in matters of education, spirituality and build up my morale.

For now I'm off to finish up supper and then eagerly pick up hook and needle for hours of tv watching and crafts.

And my pencils.

Mid week slump

Still battling the depression and fatigue and kicking myself over wasted spiritual opportunities, but unlike a time in my life when that would have sent me into deep depression and feelings of failure, I just moan a bit over wasted time and strive to do better.  I love having that millstone of guilt removed from my neck.

My brain is very tired this week and my body isn't any better.  Knitting is sometimes a chore but I did manage to work on my crane bag last night.  I had forgotten about it and stashed it in a bag.  I found it and went to work on it.  All that remains is to crochet the drawstring and knit up some shoulder straps for it.  Then it's good to go for those times when I manage to get out of the house and on foot exploring Nature.

Otherwise I've gotten very little done creatively.  I did spin a little this week and while I love it, I don't seem to do it very often.  It's taken me over a year to spin one pound of roving.  Okay I haven't actually finished up that pound of roving yet, but I'm not too far away from the end.  Then I need to dye it and ply it.  In that order.  I'm going to try kool-aid dyeing and see how that goes.  Not sure which colors though.

I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to knit with it though.  It will be a sport yarn/dk weight when I'm done but I haven't explored any patterns yet.

I did get my pencils out and drew a bit but I'm not very good at it and I've lost so much ground that it's disheartening to try to get back to the mediocre level I was at before.  I would get my paints out but the house is a wreck and I have no place to paint right now except the dining table and I need a plastic cover for it.  I don't want to paint on my only tablecloth.

Or maybe I should stop beating myself up and look at what I can accomplish if I put some effort into it.  I have such a fear of failure that I just don't try. 

And so I am off to try.  Unless I fall asleep and take a nap instead.  Which might actually be the better idea tonight.  Professor is very adamant that he will use the puppy pads in the middle of the night but will not use them once the sun is up so I am required to get up quite early to let him out...several times...before I am actually ready to get up.  It's like having a perpetual toddler all the time.

Off to stick my French Bread pizza in the oven and then to bed for knitting, tv watching and dozing.

Enduring the down days

I was down enough today because of this fog I live in where I have no ambition and no creativity.  This fog called depression that drifts into my life with alarming frequency and limits my vision to what is really out there.  I've learned to just wait until it clears although it's not easy and not fun living in this claustrophobic box.

Then Professor, being a dog with chihuahua killer instincts, killed his nemesis, the rat-bastard chipmunk.  It was quick, thankfully, and I praised him for his efforts but it still left me sad.  As I took the little guy to the trash bin, I offered up my sorrow to the Goddess and thanked her that life goes on the way it does because if it happened the way I wanted we would be knee deep in pests and parasites.  Why do they have to be so cute?

I'm not having the spiritual retreat I envisioned.  I've been too depressed for that, but I have been lighting candles for those who need it.  One candle will be dark tonight as I feel it's not needed anymore; the other two will be lit for as long as they are needed. 

I want to get excited about Samhain, decorating and such but I have to wait out the depression.  Any efforts to artificially end it always ends badly.  But I did buy a new bird feeder yesterday.  It was cheap, made of recycled materials and plastic.  I hesitated over the plastic aspects as we have harsh winters and I wouldn't want it to crack in a freeze but as I said, it was cheap and recycled.  If it doesn't last, I'll buy another wooden one. 

Once it was up it didn't take the birds long to appreciate it.  It's beside the old feeder so they often used both, but I noticed new birds I hadn't noticed before.  Nuthatches.  My cardinal was back as well as the finches.  And my beloved crows were bitching out the black cat from two doors down who tends to lurk in my thicket.  And likes to sit just out of the length of Professor's leash. 

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.  At least I'm not mired down with days and days of depression.  As I told Tana, if I just let it run its course it's a much shorter period of time than if I try to overcome it.

So I am off to light candles and knit on my poncho and finish up some things I've started on dvr.  I think I'll light a candle for the wee chipmunk, too.

The week ahead

This is almost like a spiritual retreat for me, preparing for Samhain.  Tom is gone up north to be the mighty hunter this whole week so I have free reign to deep clean and discard (only his things that were previously agreed upon...I had an ex throw away childhood mementos, my high school diploma and all the stories and such I had written so I don't do that to anyone else!) and so create more positive space in this house.  I plan on using this week to establish some new routines and rituals.

It's the best I can do.

The Goddess was good and provided some much needed funds in the way of payment for some socks I knitted for my aunt and that almost paid for Tom's trip.  He told me to spend the money on myself but since my magick was directed toward relieving our funds due to this trip, I intend to honor that.  And honor Tom for the effort he puts out there to provide for me and our son.  Sometimes I think he got the rotten end of the stick due to my disability (one that I can't receive recompense for because I haven't worked in over 20 years.)  But he plugs along and doesn't complain, even letting me spend money on myself when I know he really wants things for himself.  So I don't begrudge him this trip.  Besides, he might bring home fish or venison for the freezer so in a way it's an investment.  And a gamble.

For my part, I am determined to put more effort into my hedge witchery and become a better manager of hearth and home.  Less time doing frivolous things (although I'm not giving them up altogether because we need that in our lives.)  Less wasted time.  I'm using this week to develop those new habits.

I'm also going to dedicate part of the day working on Druidry because I really do feel that is my path.  I discovered a lot of infornmation online that I can use to enhance my learning and help me on my spiritual path.  I also have some classes I intend to take on OpenUniversity.  I just need to organize my day better.

Not to mention doing my best toward Nature and all her many children.  Frugality is often the best way to be more environmentally responsible.  Besides, I love the challenge of making ends meet.  Most of the time anyway.

I'm off to light some candles for Tina and Tana and if anyone out there feels so inclined, they could use any energy and positive/warm thoughts their way.  Tina is facing a life-changing situation that is seriously affecting her disability (fibromyalgia, the same as me) among other things, and Tana is just wiped out emotionally. I'm not good at keeping my promises so I am trying hard to either not make them or keep the ones I can't refrain from making.  I promised to light a candle for Tina every day until the situation is resolved.  So far I've kept it.  It's odd how not praying for someone never made me feel bad but when I promise to approach the Goddess on their behalf or light candles for them, I feel more pressure on myself to comply.  I guess I take it more seriously.  I wonder if it has to do with never feeling a connection through prayer as a Christian but I do feel that connection as a Pagan.

Also Inanna's sister is gravely ill and could use all the positive energy/prayer you can muster as well.  I intend to include her in my daily candle lighting as well...both her and her sister. 

I'm finally feeling comfortable using the word prayer, especially as I'm finding it in so many other religions besides the Abrahamic ones.  Yet I still hesitate to think of things in Christianese...like prayer chain or prayer journal, etc.  In fact, I hesitated before bringing up the people I know who could use prayer or candle-lighting or the sending of positive energy or however I need to think of it.  It feels too much like the prayer requests on various forums or my old churches.  It's my problem, though, and one I need to work through.  In the mean time, there are people I know and care about who are hurting and need whatever it is the Universe has to offer in the way of comfort. 

So I am off to bed to knit myself a hat for Zach and a sweater and poncho to keep me warm this winter.  If I'm lucky.  I may not be done before Imbolc at this rate.

A blustery day

We ended up having our ritual on Autumn Eve after all and it was lovely.  I was winging it a lot since I don't know a lot of rituals but we managed and we took the opportunity to consecrate some tools as well.  It was amazing to feel the heat from the energy after each tool was consecrated.  I also put my crystals and talismans in glass containers to absorb the energy from the Sun.

I made a corn dolly that I thought would be a Corn Goddess but she was quite adamant that no Goddess was she and she stamped her foot and let me know in no uncertain terms not to do that again.  So the corn dolly is on my altar enjoying her dolly-ness and watching tv with me at night.  I keep meaning to take pictures of my altar.  I'll try to get it done this weekend. 

I've been lighting candles daily now, hoping to incorporate ritual into my daily routine, especially since I have two people I am lighting candles for daily in hopes the energy and warm thoughts will reach them and help them in their time of need.  I'm simply ready now.  There's no other way to put it.

I woke up pretty early this morning and took Professor for a walk.  He's been limping a bit and since he's overweight and has tiny chihuahua legs, it's necessary to get some of that weight off of him so his joints don't suffer so much.  It was nice, listening to Pagan music from OBOD's podcast and feeling the very strong wind and misty rain on my face.  I had intended to take a solitary walk as well, but I ran out of time and energy.  I hope to take another walk with Professor tonight so he can strengthen those legs.

I'm finding myself thinking more and more about Nature and my responsibility toward her, recycling better, trying to use my resources better and not make so many trips.  I even had a visit from Miss Piggy this week, the day before my birthday.  I thought she had just come for one last buffet at the porch light and to bid me farewell for the winter.  We talked briefly and then I left her to her feast.

Well, I can see Professor has tangled up his leash so I'm off to finish up my tasks and fix supper.

Mabon blessings, Alban Elfed and Happy Birthday to Frodo and Bilbo

And a Harvest Moon on top of everything else.

I am fortunate to share my birthday with Frodo and Bibo Baggins, something I discovered in junior high school lo these many years ago.  I've also seen my birthday usher out the summer or on occasion welcome in the autumn.  It may be one of the reasons I'm a Pagan.  I was born to be one.

I got a Farmer's Almanac last week and have been perusing it now and then and I wonder if the people who put it out are Pagans as well as there is so much in there to do with folk lore, magick and the seasons.  With a touch of astrology as well.  I think this will be an annual purchase because of the information it has about gardening. 

I'm not sure if I will do my celebration tonight because as usual, I'm behind on everything.  Yesterday was a crap day for me, not feeling well physically, feeling down emotionally (birthday blues?) and general malaise.  I got nothing done which means I'm behind on housework and just about everything else.  I haven't finished dressing my altar so I haven't taken any pictures and because the house is a wreck, I don't feel like cleaning it.  And if my surroundings aren't clean, I can't focus on ritual for some reason.

So I think I will bless some talismans I've come up with and re-charge my rune and crystals in the Full Moon but leave the ritual until tomorrow night.  I'd like to go for a walk tomorrow to celebrate the Equinox and also because I need to re-connect with Nature.  I've been feeling distanced from her of late. 

I'm normally pretty much a by-the-book person so I am learning that it doesn't work that way in Paganism, especially Druidry.  It's not about being out there at 10:09 p.m. to start my ritual or getting it done on the exact day since it's most likely that there wasn't a specific Autumnal Equinox celebration in the ancestor's times.  It was probably just an Autumn celebration once the harvest came in, maybe even just a Full Moon celebration combined with the Harvest. 

But being a modern Druid I like to think we should not only honor the way the ancestors did things, we should also find ways that have meaning to us in this day and age.  So I'm learning to relax and do things when it's time for me to do them.  Less stress that way and much more enjoyable.  So I will do my ritual tomorrow evening when I am more prepared, both emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

It's not about the rules, you know.

I'm healing from the knife wound in my back from someone who I thought was a friend.  Tana helped talk me through it, but I also thought of my many mentors in blogland and was amazed that I had a very pleasant sleep that night without the usual night of wide awake anxiety till the wee hours.  These incidents only serve to remind me why I left Christianity and reinforce my beliefs about it.  And why I should stay away from forums where they are the predominant religion because even the liberals who say they have tolerance for all religions really don't.

So I'm good to go and am focusing on what to cook for my birthday dinner.  Zach and I traditionally go to Appleby's for our birthdays.  I was going to pass it up today because I've got to get busy on getting my lab numbers down to reasonable numerical value but I decided to look at their Weight Watchers choices and see if I could eat anything there.  I had the Steak & Portabella dinner, which was delicious and a much smaller quantity than most other dishes there.  Not to mention seasoned pretty darned well without large amounts of oil or butter.  Pricey, but good. 

Happy Birthday to ME!!!!

I'm off to start supper now and get my items ready for blessings and re-charging.  I can smell rain in the air so I doubt we will see the moon tonight.  But I'm still counting on the energy to be there.

Remind me again

I'm reminded again today why I love being a Pagan and why this is the right path for me.  And why I should avoid any discussions about Christianity, because all discussions about religion generally end up focusing on Christianity because to Christians, it's the same thing.  Religion = Christianity. Except when you call Christianity a religion, then they insist it's not a religion, it's a relationship.  Yeah.

I plan on getting some pictures taken, maybe tomorrow, of my beautiful necklace and my newly dressed altar, complete with the new altar cloth.  I just got distracted today.  And am having a terrible fatigue day as well.

So I plan on spending the rest of  the day in bed knitting my fingers to the bone and watching stuff I've DVR'd because the space is rapidly getting full. 

I'll be more chatty tomorrow when I've had rest and tramadol and maybe some exercise as well.  For now, I'm ready for down time.