Learning and growing

I had errands again today so I didn't get anything done at home.  With the threat of a foot of snow I needed to get the emergency shopping done in case I can't get to the store.  But I did manage to do some finessing on my altars.  The kitchen altar, which had become Hestia's altar a few months ago needed a make-over as it seemed too witchy for what I deemed its purpose to be so I removed a couple of elements (which also freed up some room for my incense burner), changed out the picture to one that really fits better now:  a still life of a bucket, crock/pitcher and grapes.  The colors are a bit muted and have a sense of age to them.  It's more understated and makes me feel cozy.  It's very much a picture that makes me think of the hearth.

I had a bit of candle time with Hestia tonight because I was a bit ranty about the chicken I didn't want to cut up.  I prefer to roast chicken since the cold and bones hurt my hands when I try to cut it up but Tom has gone all pissy about wanting it cut up.  He doesn't like it roasted.  And he insisted Zach cut it up but with his OCD no way was he going to touch raw chicken.  Tom doesn't get that so I cut it up, swearing the whole time.  Then, as I was standing in front of and under Hestia's altar, swearing and cutting up chicken, it occurred to me that maybe my behavior was just a bit...um...immature.  So I lit her purple candle and some earth incense (I have no idea what it's made of...got it from StuffMart because it's cheap but it smells so good and...earthy) and just stood there mellowing out and meditating a bit on what would Hestia do.  Now, I think she's one sassy Goddess, but in her capacity as Goddess of the hearth, I can see where she might think that cutting up a chicken once in a while isn't the end of the world.  I managed to calm down and finish up the chicken with a more positive outlook although I still don't like cutting up chicken.

I've done more reading today about Hellenismos because I find it fascinating and while I'm cautious about anything reconstructionist, I'm finding a wide variety of mindsets and philosophies that don't seem to indicate the fanaticism I've seen in Christian reconstructionism.  And quite frankly, I do like the idea of trying to do things they way the ancients did.  I don't know that this is the path I will end up on, but it does fit my personality pretty well.  Apparently I like structure.  Who knew?

I got the Penguin book of Homeric Hymns from the library and went looking for the version online which is translated by Hugh Evelyn-White (I think that's his name) and I was joking to Zach that it's like the New International Version compared to the King James Version of the Bible.  The poetry of the Evelyn-White translation is just beautiful.  When I can afford it, that's the translation I want to own.  But for now, the library version will do.  Anyway you look at it, the hymns and prayers are beautiful.

I had looked at some Greek-type altars while online today and saw one that had a temple to Zeus on it.  And it just so happened that I had a free-standing shelf that looked very similar to it so I moved the shelf to my altar and designated it Zeus's Temple.  I'm so clever.  A few weeks ago I found a pattern for Pan that is adorable that I was thinking of making and since I have all the necessary materials, including polymer clay, I think I might do that.  That got me thinking of making all my statues out of yarn as well.  Amigurimi gods and goddesses would suit my altar just fine.

I love making things that enhance my spiritual life.

I'm also knitting this afghan, mostly because I just love the pattern and because I want to practice my colorwork more but it doesn't hurt that it's a Greek design.  I'm making it out of some of my stash of purple and off-white Vanna's Choice yarn that I got on sale.  I really like the way it's turning out.

One thing I did notice about myself this go-round is that I'm not turning Greek like I would have done in the past.  I have a problem adopting cultures when I find a spirituality I like.  I still very much like the Celtic culture, designs, artwork, which I loved before I found Celtic spirituality, and I'm able to hang onto that instead of turning my house into Mount Olympus.  It's embarrassing  how many different cultures I've tried to assimilate because I thought I had to do it all.  But now I'm comfortable keeping the things I love and adding more beauty into my life.

Plus, I don't think I could give up anything British.  I'm convinced I lived there in a former life because I love anything about the UK.

I feel like I'm moving in a good direction, no matter if it's for the long term.  Amazingly, I don't feel a need to see how the story ends this time.  For me that's close to a miracle.

Off to bed to knit and watch Midsomer Murders.

Hellenismos, for now

It's a beautiful day today with lots of sunshine...just a tease prior to the predicted snow storm, alas.  Still, it revives the soul to see it.  I'm feeling cheerier than I've felt in weeks.

Spiritually things are going very well.  My path seems to have taken a decided direction toward Hellenismos, at least for now.  So far it's feeling very comfortable and familiar but I am just on the journey, not planning on setting down roots just yet.  It may turn out that I do, but for now, just enjoying the walk along the path.

I've been reading up on the Greek pantheon as well as reading some Homeric hymns, which are really good.  Not reading in a research sort of mode, but because I'm genuinely interested.  I'm just enjoying myself for now, not beating myself up for still seeking.

I'm finding my step is lighter, my outlook brighter and my energy levels...well, they're still the same, darn it.  But I am optimistic about the changes that are going on with me on this new path.  Optimistic, but cautious. 

I had a good talk with Tom this morning about the changes.  He was supportive, and incredibly understanding.  I just hope he doesn't end up confusing me later.  Still, I'm taking his attitude now and enjoying it.  I think he's better able to understand this path because it's more familiar to him.  Everyone studied Greek mythology in school, after all.  Although this is quite a bit different from reading a book on mythology.  There are undercurrents of spirituality I never learned in school.

Since starting down this path, I've found I care more about myself.  I'm not sure why that would be, but I am taking better care of myself, getting dressed every day instead of living in my pajamas round the clock.  I'm not blaming my Celtic path for not taking care of me, but it's obvious to me that there was an element of unhappiness for me on that path that I couldn't define.  Still can't.  And as I may yet walk down that path again, I'm hoping the answer will come to me eventually.

I know one partial answer at least is that I'm finding that empty place inside me filled.  The one that missed the rituals of Christianity.  The one that loved those rituals and couldn't find a suitable substitute before.  Still, I'm not setting anything in stone anymore because that feels burdensome.  I will just do what I'm doing and enjoy the scenery.

To the journey.

Sometimes you just have to snark

Earlier this week I did some candle time with my green and blue candles, invoking financial wisdom and motivation to get my butt in gear to begin the journey back to health.  I'm still sitting on my ass but the checking account wasn't as dire as I thought it was going to be.  We're not swimming in it, but we're not ready to declare bankruptcy yet.  Thank the Goddesses!  And the Gods!  I wasn't asking for a miracle but what I got was darned close to it.

Now that the property taxes are paid...well they will be tomorrow...maybe my head will clear enough I can start retaining the things I'm learning about herbs and crystals.  I've been watching a lot of history and science documentaries on tv and that has helped the few remaining brain cells to actually do their job but I do miss the times when I could read something and remember it.

I still would like to structure my time better, even allowing for a brief acknowledgment at the altar on a regular basis.  Nothing fancy or long but just that moment when I greet the God/desses.  But mostly I'd like to structure the day so I'm accomplishing things like writing, knitting, designing, drawing...stuff like that.  I would do that much better in a clean house so there is that time that must be set aside as well.  At times I wish I could be a witch like Samantha in Bewitched so I could just twitch my nose and the laundry is not only done, but pressed and put away.  Alas, I must use my own measly energy for such mundane matters.

I may have to unfriend a person on facebook.  We're not friends, but I do keep an eye on what she's up to.  She was a fundie who returned to the Catholic church and now she's more Catholic than the Pope and yet still retains a lot of her fundie teachings...and sees Satan in every closet.  Everything that happens is a conspiracy that involves the freemasons and the "homosexual agenda" is out to indoctrinate kids everywhere.  I just can't take it anymore.  She's one of those who has done everything:  been a Wiccan for a while, worked in the porn industry (behind the camera, of course) was a militant evil feminist, claims to have been a journalist, brags about her military career (she and hubby went awol during basic training to run away to get married but thinks there was a corrupt conspiracy to ruin their reputations and careers.)  All this before she turned 30.  Her Christian life includes having been involved in "deliverance" ministries that the Catholic church recognized and made her and her husband lay exorcists, a charge she couldn't prove when faced with incontrovertible evidence to the contrary.  She claims to be a doula in spite of no training.  She thinks having had 3 kids in 4 years gives her the experience she needs.  At one time she was a lay nun of the Carmelites.  And claims to be doing research for a book she's writing.

There is much more but the main thing that gets to me is how she's living off the government (welfare, medicaid) while living with her husband's family and thinks Obama is a socialist.

Still, I'm not sure I have the energy to spare anymore.  Curiosity keeps me friending her.  She's so outrageous it's like a train wreck you can't stop gawking at.  But there comes a time when maybe you should start the car and move on.  I mean, eventually you should at least try to get to your destination.

I suppose I could just hide her for a while and see if the addiction goes away.  Then I could just unfriend her without suffering withdrawal.

Some really burning irony today on my sister's facebook page.  She was talking about people in your life that create too much drama and interfere too much in your life and maybe it's time to just walk away from them.  I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.  This is the person who manipulated me and guilted me into spending money  I didn't have (thereby forfeiting a new breast prosthesis to replace the duct taped one) to go visit my parents because she and my other sister thought I should.  This is the person who thinks it's her place to tell me what's wrong with me and how to fix it because she's the older sister.  This is the person who smugly looks down her nose at me because she thinks I'm so jealous of her and want her life.

The irony...it burns.

I haven't had anything to do with either sister since the summer.  Peg hasn't noticed because she's gotten remarried and is still bragging about how wonderful her life is now that she has a husband (and someone to pay her bills as she's not working now either) and how domestic she is (she used to denigrate my choice to stay home and raise my son by insisting I was jealous of her degree and her life.)

Neither she nor my sister are interested in my life except to tell me how to live it and none of my nieces or nephew pay any attention to me on facebook.  I suspect they're hidden me, in fact, because last summer I updated my father's condition after he got out of the hospital and they didn't respond to it.  In fact they only responded when one of my nieces mentioned the same thing.

I'm an obvious embarrassment to the whole family.  And I don't fucking care.  In fact, I love it that they are ignoring me and leaving me alone.  For too many years I subjected myself to my sister's authority and even to my parents' authority because I was too weak and too timid to stand on my own ground.  I love that I can take a stand now, albeit a small stand.  I won't out myself to my parents because it would really hurt my mother.  I don't care much about my dad's feelings but I don't want to have my mom's last years spent worrying that I'm going to hell. 

Okay, yeah, I'm a bit snarky today because of Peg's fb status.  But I absolutely don't envy her or her life.  I'm just sorry she can't see why.

Blessed be.

De-cluttering

Had lunch with Zach today.  It sounds odd to say we had lunch when we're together nearly 24/7 but truth is we don't talk much at home.  Usually we only talk when we go out for lunch.  Bizarre.

Anyway, we talked a lot about spiritual matters this time.  I'm still grieving a bit over losing the rituals of the Episcopal Church and needed to talk about it.  It helps me make sense of what I'm feeling.  I realized that I haven't minded losing St. Mark's as much as losing the Episcopal Church because St. Mark's was really light on ritual.  It was mostly a Sunday-only church and the priest never wore the collar.  The only time she was in uniform was during the service when she wore her vestments.

What I wanted in a liturgical church was a full-time priest who acted like one all the time and services for everything, including the Daily Office.  Anything like that is too far away to be a part of so I'm back to feeling cheated.  St. Mark's was full of wonderful people but they were mostly senior citizens and not looking too hard to fix the demographics.  Most of the congregation lived out of town so anything other than Sunday morning service was asking too much.  Plus with an elderly congregation like that, having anything at night means a significant percentage of your congregation isn't going to be there...especially in a Wisconsin winter.

We do have a Catholic Church here in town that does it all but I just can't connect to that.  Too many rules and regulations.

It was good to talk it all out because it made going back to St. Mark's unpalatable since I won't find what I was looking for there.  I was glad to close that door once and for all.

I also decided I wasn't going to celebrate Imbolc.  At least not this year.  I won't commit beyond that, but it's just not something that gets me excited.  Especially with 6 inches of snow on the ground.  We don't see the beginning of spring until late April, if then.  I think one of the reasons I was on the path of the circle of the year was because it's all I knew of modern Paganism.  Now that I have more scenery to look at, I'm enjoying a brief tour or two in other cities.  And I definitely like the city that has Greco-Roman practices going on.  It's just that I like some Britain in there, too.  I guess, like Zach, I'll need to forge my own path.  And I'm really okay with that.

I definitely like the Solstices and Equinoxes.  And Samhain.  But beyond that, I just don't get excited about the others, which would explain why I'm crap at celebrating them.  And what's not to love about the full and new moons?

But I'm not stressing at all over what to do or what to believe.  I'm just sorting things out a bit to get rid of the clutter so I can enjoy what I do like.

All in all it was a productive day spiritually and I suspect tonight will be just as good.  I'm still not reading anything specific and I hope to get down to studying herbs and crystals, thanks to my dearest friend Tana who bought me the books.  That's what intrigues me.  Not what to say or do in ritual, but what things mean and how things work.  I really like that.  Although I do still need ritual, which I am incorporating into my life in a leisurely, natural way.  It fits better that way rather than doing someone else's ritual that fits like second-hand clothes.

And I'm off to cuddle up in bed with my knitting and some tv watching.  Is there a God of television?  Because I want to dedicate an altar to him...right now.

May the Gods and Goddesses smile on you in all your endeavors.

Still enjoying the journey

I watched an episode of Midsomer Murders last night about...gasp...evil witches.  Or ridiculous witches.  Either way they didn't represent any witches I know in any realistic way.  But I'm weird in that it doesn't bother me.  If they showed any religious group as they really were, it would make for a boring episode.  I've seen a few eps on MM that showed the right-wing, fanatic branches of Christianity, so I'm not offended.

Still, it was a good episode with Ronald Pickup and his real life daughter playing his character's daughter.  They had a rare commentary for the episode with John Nettles and Jane Wymark.  Both very funny although John tends to be a bit dismissive of any other detective/cop show.  Not in a rabid way though.

I'm doing well in my journey.  It's amazing me how my heart directs me when I'm not being influenced by other people's rules for their own journeys.  I have so much studying I want to do that doesn't involve doctrine, dogma or anything theological.  And yet each of the things I really want to study will help me further along my spiritual path without dictating to me what that path is.  Still stress-free so far.

I am feeling a bit lazy spiritually of late but I don't feel neglectful or guilty about it.  It actually feels pretty good and a bit healthy for the soul.  I recommend it.

Dark Mother has graciously included this blog in a list of some really impressive blogs she reads.  I recommend you go to her blog and click on each of these links because these are some amazing women.  I'm humbled to be included in their numbers.  Plus I recommend you read her blog regularly.  I want to bff her Inner Bitch. 

Another blog I really recommend is She Who Seeks.  She's funny, witty and is another of my mentors. If I get nothing else read in the course of a day, I read hers and Dark Mother's blogs.  They are must-reads.

Off to spend some time resting as I'm still not sleeping uninterrupted and it's affecting me in all areas.  I must remember to try the herbal tea tonight. I forgot last night.

Blessed Be.

No stress

We finally found the material for Zach's altar in my armoir, where I put it.  It has a dark background and even with a flashlight we missed it.  But all is well now and Zach's dragon altar is set up and looks nice.  He's doing better spiritually since he decided to plot his own course.  I'm getting that lesson down myself.

I changed out my altar last night but haven't done much with it today as I've been busy cleaning.  I have some things to consecrate and I'm not comfortable doing that with Tom around so I'll do it tonight or wait until Monday.  Nothing urgent so there's no rush.

Other than that nothing else is going on.  We're being mellow and laid back enjoying the journey so I'm off to finish up supper and veg out with knitting for the evening.

Blessed be

Religion versus Spirituality

I'm so amazed at how simple concepts completely bypass my brain.  Dark Mother suggested that I just put away the books and enjoy the journey.  Such a simple suggestion but what a life-changing concept.  Find my path without books?  Just walk the path without guidance?  Frightening!

And then it occurred to me that I was practicing a religion, not seeking spirituality.  Another piece of baggage from those Christian days when you are expected to study the religion (yeah, I know...it's not a religion, it's a relationship...total crap in reality), dissect it (under the proper guidance, of course...you must come to the same conclusions that prevailing wisdom dictates) and know it.  I was doing the same thing with this path as well.  Turning it into religion instead of experiencing spirituality.  It seems like I knew the right words and the right concepts but was clueless about the application of it.

Last night I lit candles, burned luscious incense and just enjoyed the flames and the scent.  I didn't pray, didn't meditate deliberately, didn't focus on a path.  Just enjoyed the candles and the smells.  It felt good.  I wasn't looking in a particular direction (although I will admit that images of Celtic god/desses and the culture came unbidden into my mind.)  I emerged from it feeling cleansed from fear and doubt.

And I didn't do anything.  I just was.  Incredible.

I took my books back to the library although two more were waiting for me that I had on order, but those aren't about finding religion.  They're more historical books about religion, which I do love as they're not full of rules and guidelines.  Just historical aspects of religion that I never managed to learn in a system that had selectively written the history books.  I do like reading the stuff they hid from us.

Also, my husband informed me today, after expressing concern that he hasn't prepared for me in the event of his death, that he wants me to write, even if I never sell a thing because he feels like eventually I will.  I've never had that encouragement before and thought all these talks I've been avoiding with him were about me going out and getting a job in a fast food place so I have something to help support myself should he go first.  So I'm going to get my crafting stuff organized tonight and make room for writing at my table so I can include that as one of the crafts I am focusing on.  I've been avoiding Tarot for a long time because I was afraid of what it was telling me, but I'm going to look more into using my talents for spiritual purposes and not worry about the financial aspects of it.  I'll think about that later.  I need to let my crafts carry me into a greater spiritual realm because they are spiritual.  Not work on them in order to make money.  I think that perspective is what has left me paralyzed and unable to do anything lately.

At any rate, I have some direction now that doesn't involve a particular spiritual discipline.  I don't feel inclined to limit my spiritual practices to any particular pathway.  Now let's just hope I still feel that way in a week or when the next depression cycle hits.

Blessed be.