Roller coaster ride

Thanks so much to my mentors who keep me grounded on this roller coaster ride that is my spiritual journey.  I probably shouldn't have posted last night as I was deep in depression and lack of sleep when nothing is good or interesting.  But I keep my journey transparent, warts and all.

What I discovered last night about the Hellenic system was that there weren't a lot of differences between it and Christianity.  Well, okay, lots more gods and those pesky goddesses for sure, and the retribution can be good thing.  But the piety and humility and (on one site: purity) thing really resembled what I escaped from.  Not to mention the whole bribing the gods aspect of offering sacrifices in order for the gods to grant your request.  And Zeus resembling Yahweh in many, many ways.  Maybe I interpret devotion to the gods in a different way than Hellenes do, but it made my skin crawl to read about it.

Now, that's mostly from reconstructionist sites and I'm not a reconstructionist in any spiritual genre but it did raise some red flags for me.  Not that I am criticizing anyone who is one.  Obviously it's a good fit for them, but in light of my escape from absolutes, it doesn't fit me.

My beautiful mentors have lovingly cautioned me to avoid being too hard on myself during my journey and I really am trying to follow their advice.  I really am, but there's a reason I was a fundamentalist.  Making decisions is so hard for me and as a fundie, I didn't have to think for myself.  Don't let them kid you, neither do they.  What they think about is what they're told to think about.  In such a way they really do think they're come to their own conclusions which are eerily identical to the mainstream thinking.

This is why I have so much trouble finding what is right for me.  I don't trust myself to follow the correct path.  I know...there is no "correct" path.  My heart tells me that but my head (yes, I know...not supposed to trust it) is so bossy and domineering that my heart can't get a word in edgewise.

I do try though and I promise to make a serious attempt to stop compartmentalizing every aspect of my spirituality.  I don't know why being an eclectic Pagan isn't enough for me.  It should be because it's what I think I am.  I just have trouble not having a label to wear. 

I'll work on that and just follow the path instead of looking for signposts all the time. 

Zach's OCD didn't come out of thin air, you know.  I may not exactly have it but in the test I took I was borderline. 

Thanks so much to my good friends and mentors.  Where would I be without you all.

Blessed be.

Detours

Sometimes the path veers and takes you in a direction you never thought you would go.  I worry about that because I don't want to hop from religion to religion, from denomination to denomination and all that.  I really want to be settled, but in reality, I'm far from being that.  Aside from Lugh, I feel no real connection with any of the Celtic pantheon and of late, even he has felt distant from me.  I've been so forlorn about it all that I've even thought about just forgetting all of it and not believe in anything.  But...I need something to believe in.  It's just the way I'm made.

It's probably been pretty obvious to anyone who reads this blog that I've found it nearly impossible to actually observe any of the sabbats or esbats or even much in the way of daily attention...except for my kitchen altar, which is dedicated to Hestia, of the Greek pantheon.  The rituals feel strange, foreign, false on my lips and my heart to the degree I've wondered if I'm a Pagan at all.

Seriously, I hate feeling foolish and the notion of hopping from one religion to another makes me feel foolish and I can't figure out why neither Druidry or Wicca or even the generic Celtic Paganism, seems to fit right.  And why I am forever writing about needing to figure out the rituals, find the rituals, make the rituals my own, etc.

My first love was the Greek/Roman pantheon.  I found them in grade school and couldn't get enough of them.  By 6th grade I had read everything in the library, including Edith Hamilton's mythologies.  My heart really soared for the Gods and Goddesses of Olympus.  Is this where my heart really resides?  In Hellenistic Paganism?

I only know that, of the God/desses I have tried to incorporate into my worship and ritual life, only Pan, Hecate and Hestia remain.  None of the Celtic Gods call to me anymore. But I find myself really drawn to ritual, magic and the divination practices of the Greek and Roman religion.  I have noticed that my daily ministrations have come to feel more Greek/Roman in nature than the Celtic ones I started out with.

I feel rather foolish, though, hopping around all over the place.  Thinking at first that Druidry or a combination of Druidry and Wicca, was a perfect fit for me, now thinking this might be instead.  I feel like I'm trying on religions instead of actually applying my devotion to them.

I can't deny, though, that I am more inclined to observe the festivals of the Greek/Roman religion than the nature religions of either Druidry or Wicca. I told myself I was excited about Lughnassadh, Imbolc, Samhain, etc but I was never excited enough to actually do anything about them.  The day would come and I would be so totally disinterested that nothing happened.  I would make excuses...my fatigue, pain, whatever, but the truth was that the festivals never felt natural, the rituals felt foreign or just plain wrong.  But I had to hang onto it because I hadn't considered that anything other than Celtic or Norse Paganism was on the table and I knew that while I can't be a Christian anymore, I had to be something and, let's face it, Celtic and Norse Paganism is gaining popular support and visibility.

Doesn't mean that I don't think there is something valuable in my studies or that I don't still have a great regard for Nature.  It just means maybe my path isn't that clear to me yet and maybe I need to explore some other trails.

And for what it's worth, I could never get myself to study any of the Gaelic or Welsh languages, but give me a book on Latin and I'm there.  In fact, I have a couple of books on Latin upstairs from college. 

I end up feeling confused and silly but I needed to put this into words and share it with those of you out there who have been following my journey.

We'll see where this goes for now.  There may be other twists and turns.  I'm learning not to carve anything in stone.

Finding my rituals

I've been thinking of what Debra and Dark Mother have said about everyday actions being spiritual and I really like it.  As a Christian, all my motivations were supposed to be to give God glory, to honor God, to put him first in my life so I guess I was a bit hesitant to think of what I do as spiritual in the same way.  However, making my actions spiritual isn't the same thing as the unnatural burden of trying to fit everything I do as a God-directed task.  My function as a stay at home wife and mother is primarily spiritual in and of itself.  Not because any god appointed me to that career, but because it's where my passion and my pathway lie.

I said when I first left Christianity that spirituality must be as natural as breathing and yet I keep holding my breath.  I'm trying to make Paganism something that is a work instead of something that is an essential part of myself.  I don't need to have daily religious studies in order to keep my focus and my love pointed in the right direction.  I don't need to shut the noise of the world out so that my eyes are always on the pathway.  That's what I had to do before.  Now, I need no reminders except the ones that exist before me all the time. 

I don't need them, but I like having them around me.  Not because my inclination is to forget, but because they are beautiful reminders of Nature and bring pleasing visions and smells and sounds to my heart.  A candle flame is a beautiful way to center my thoughts, to bring memories and insights to my heart.  Incense invokes those senses that bring me to the precipice of a spiritual world that frees me from the mundane.  Art allows my imagination to run wild and let me walk with the gods.

These are my daily rituals.  I just never saw them as such before.  Those rituals that are structured also have benefit and bring me peace, energy, joy, a deep connection with the gods as well, but they aren't needed to make me feel spiritual.  I am spiritual because I am a spiritual being.  And allowing myself to be that is the best ritual of all.

Ah!

I have figured out what exactly it is that has left me feeling a bit unfulfilled with Paganism.  As a Christian I never had any desire to be the pastor or the priest.  I was quite content to be ministered to and to supply the responses needed.  As a Pagan, and particularly as a solitary, I am the priestess.  I am responsible for ritual and preparation and content.  I just hadn't looked at it in those terms before.  So while I've been waiting for a ritual to fall in my lap and for everything to coalesce, I've been failing to see that my responsibilities were to create the ritual and make the preparations myself.  It's a daunting task for me, but now that I see the situation as it is, one I shall step up to the altar and accomplish.  I can be so obtuse at times.

Zach and I grabbed a bite to eat tonight when I went to pick up my prescription.  I had forgotten that Christian Boy still worked at Wendy's and I had my new necklace on.  I'll admit that I was a coward and kept my coat on.  While Caleb no longer waxes long and poetic about Jesus, it's still awkward around him.  I think we'll just avoid Wendy's after school hours.  Next year he'll be up at Bible college learning to indoctrinate teens so we'll be safe after that.

I'm determined to celebrate the full moon this month.  I have the ambition every month but no follow through.  This month I am hoping to break that cycle and actually accomplish some things spiritually.  I'm going through a spiritual slump right now and could use a lift.  I haven't done a lot of ritual but every time I do, I come out of it exhausted and exhilarated.   I need to exercise those spiritual muscles more, starting with daily, monthly and seasonal rituals.  Just looking at my altar on a daily basis helps.  I know who and what I am whenever I see it.  Actually using it helps more.

Zach was a bit down today, saying that he knows what his path is, but he just can't seem to walk on it.  I told him he already is walking on it.  Just because he's not making progress or doing ritual or focusing on it doesn't mean he's not already on the path.  I hope that made him feel better.

Off to knit and watch some television and maybe even read if I can keep my brain working.

Blessed be.

Movie viewing, mini-spoiler alert and prayer

We went to see Voyage of the Dawn Treader last night and loved it...until the end where one little line really diminished our enjoyment.  Not that we should have been surprised.  Lewis was, after all, a devout Christian apologist.  Still it's been educational watching shows like this from the outside in.  Most of our life has been from the inside out.  I loved the movie but I do believe it's the last one that will be made.  The Pevenseys won't be in anymore (except the Last Battle which is nothing more than a thinly veiled fantasy about the end times.)  Although I would probably pay money to go see any that might be made in the future.

I woke up this morning aching and depressed but a visit from my bff tramadol and another snooze put me in better shape.  Depression is never easy but it's easier as a Pagan than as a Christian. 

I am reading a book about the festivals from a Wiccan perspective and the rebel in me gets a bit tight-lipped whenever I see statements that seem like absolutes.  As in pronounciations.  A few Wiccans might pronounce Litha with a th sound but most Wiccans pronounce it as Leeha.  Even though the author admits that the original pronounciation is Litha with a th.  Bite me.  She makes it sound as if those pronouncing it with a th sound are sadly and woefully wrong.  Makes me want to pronounce it with a th.

I'm only perusing this book.  I had to order it from another library so I couldn't get a preview of it.  It's not really my cup of tea but I have learned a few historical and mythological things from the book so it's not a total loss.  I've also got Ronald Hutton's book Triumph of the Moon, which seems to have been met with mixed reviews.  It's got tiny print so it will take a while to read (not because of the size of the font but because that makes the book much bigger than it seems.)  I've got an intellectual crush on the good Professor but I hope to read it with an open mind.  I won't let myself be charmed into believing anything ever again.  Unfortunately it's the only book in the library system written by him and I am in total lockdown financially from now on so there won't be any Amazon.com purchases in the future.

My last great hurrah was a necklace for me, one for Zach and a greeting card of a dragon for his wall.  After this, no more spending except for essentials.  I consider it a challenge to utilize my resources better and more efficiently.  I used to be pretty good at it and then fell off the wagon.  I have more help now...Hestia, Brigit, and any other household god/desses who are available.  I can guarantee you Yahweh only wanted more of my money and didn't want to help me at all.

I'm getting there in establishing daily ministrations and observances.  I'm still not comfortable with prayer.  Asking for anything makes me uneasy, but I know that's a holdover from my Christian-begging-for-God-to-help-me stage in which we were indoctrinated into believing that if we ask, he will give it to us.  It got to the point where asking becomes demanding that God live up to his promises.  And what's the deal with asking over and over for the same things?  That was another thing I never could wrap my head around.  It's not like Yahweh has a short memory.  Asking over and over again...or having large numbers of people praying for you...smacks of teasing and toying with someone.  So only someone who has large numbers of friends will get prayers answered?  Or people who have large networks?  Or someone who asks to the point of begging?

So you see why I'm awkward about praying.  It's hard to step outside the paradigm of Christian prayers with all the declaratory sentences:  give me this or have this happen for me.  Just not comfortable asking a supreme being to do my will.

I'll work it all out eventually and I know the god/desses have patience with me.  Plus, after spending a lifetime believing I needed a supreme being's help in any decisions or any action on my part, I'm learning to stand on my own two feet and be responsible for myself.  I like it, even if it is a bit hard to do initially.

Off to finish cleaning the kitchen and my bedroom.  I have some things I need to consecrate tonight so I am planning a short ritual and meditation time.  I still can't meditate longer than a minute or so, but I am learning to listen to the silence.  It's amazing how much is in that silence.

Blessed be.

How hard to watch your children struggle

I went out to refill the bird feeder this morning and a beautiful finch was sitting on the gate under the feeders, totally unconcerned about my presence.  He even turned and looked at me and didn't fly away (I was talking to him as I walked up there) until I was about a foot away.  It was a wonderful experience.

Had lunch with Zach today and he expressed concern at his feelings of paralysis spiritually.  He finds himself drawn to dragons.  Has been all his life.  Found a book about dragon spirituality that really resonated with him, got halfway through and he just couldn't read anymore.  He's so afraid of feeling foolish that he's paralyzed with inaction spiritually. 

I suggested he clean his room first and foremost.  It's complete chaos, no floor space, no organization at all.  I said I would help him and then he can establish an altar that is essentially pleasing to the eye.  Nothing more at this stage.  Then I told him to spend some time in quiet just listening to his thoughts. Not directing them, not meditating, just watching where they go.  Then he can think about dragons and how he feels about them.  He was so involved in our pentecostal church, speaking in tongues, speaking the Word in church and feels that he was just playacting so he's afraid that's what he's doing now.  I said it doesn't matter if it came from within him and not from a supernatural source.  But for now he's feeling foolish for buying into all of it and is afraid of doing the same in a Pagan sense.

I do believe dragons are his path as he's been drawn to them since he was a toddler.  I'll just be patient and as helpful as I can and hope his heart and soul can heal from the damage done to him.

Blessed be

As the old year turns into a new one

I don't have a lot to talk about right now, but I did want to start out the new year blogging.  I never look at January 1 as the start of anything as there is no routine to it and no structure.  For me this is the end of the year.  I start new things tomorrow when I'm back to normal.  Okay, normal for me.

I do plan on incorporating more and more study, ritual and crafting into my life as well as working on regaining my health, especially as my mother was in the hospital for a couple of days this past week adjusting her coumadin leves after a nasty bout with the flu.  She is much healthier than I am so I don't want to keep going downhill from here.  I'd like to visit the hill top before I start to decline.

I'm deciding on a necklace, too.  There is one at Ladyhawk's Treasure (see the link in the sidebar) that is a Raven and a pentacle that I'm leaning toward.  I still plan on knitting up a charm bag and have been working on a pattern for it, but I really do want some jewelry that speaks of who I am.  Zach wants a dragon necklace as well, so I can kill two birds with the proverbial stone.

I'm also working on knitting up some pentacles and a raven design for my altar.  I need a cloth to cover my sacred/annointing water as it occurred to me that dust and negative energies will taint it if I leave it open like I have been.  For now there is just a felt square over it.  Something fancy later.  I also thought about creating a mandala but I don't have a beading needle right now and I forgot to get one at the store today.  I'm not making a trip just for a needle though.  Plus I don't have enough purple beads, which is what I'd like to put on there.

I would love to have some statues, too.  I bought some polymer clay to do that but I haven't felt creative in that regard lately so I haven't done anything yet.  I know there is a disagreement with using polymer clay versus organic clay but I'm on a tight budget and can't really afford the things I do buy (and simply must put a stop to it soon). We'll see how it goes.

I had a conversation with Zach the other day about how those who are financially challenged usually end up disadvantaged in Christianity.  Oh, I know it's the religion of the poor.  Riiiight.  Just like the Pastor of a church is more likely to be friendly toward a poor person than a person who is funding a huge portion of his salary.  Right.  I've seen it all my life.  The pastor hangs around with the bigger tithers.  Plus, every time we walked in the door at our former church (fundie) we were hit up with one fund raiser after another.  Guilt trips abound!  Sermon after sermon about tithing and giving that widow's last pence.  Or was it a farthing?  Good old King James.  Then there are the study bibles that you need.  It's not enough to have a plain bible.  You need one that tells you what it all means.  And any bible studies have literature that must be purchased.  Even in the Episcopal church that I loved there were always money issues that made you feel guilty if you couldn't pony up the money.  From my experience, the "blessings" of Christianity abounded more with those who already had stuff.  As my chemistry professor said about electrons...them that has, gets.

I know that there are many enticements out there with Paganism, too, and there are plenty of temptations to have the nice stuff on your altar.  But more than in Christianity, I see people being creative and valuing simplicity.  Making your own candles, finding dishes and tools at a thrift store or using household items rather than buying the jewel-encrusted athame you saw online.  Simple cloths off the remnant rack, knitting crocheting, sculpting your own statues.  Thing is, these items bring as many blessings as the expensive stuff brings.  If you have the money and you want to adorn your house, great!  But there isn't the pressure for everyone else to do it even if they can't afford it.  I love that about the wonderful women I've met online.  They never, ever play that card that says  you have to do it the way they are or you're not doing it right.  I can't say the same about Christianity.

Although as a Christian I would have disagreed with that.  I would have said that I had never been pressured into spending money I didn't have or that I felt inferior to the people at church who had money.  But I would have been lying, because I did.  Not a moment went by, even in my lovely Episcopal church, that I didn't feel inferior because I didn't have money.  And although in part, it was me doing it to myself, there is an attitude toward the poor in Christianity that is condescending, derogatory and downright mean.  All in the name of love, you know.

Well, I've ranted enough.  It's time to crawl into my jammies and under the covers and start on the Raven cloth for my altar.  I hope this new year brings bright new blessings and powerful energy to each and every one of you.

Blessed be.