Thursday, April 18, 2013

Learning to deal with it

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around my mother being gone and this diagnosis that is keeping me mostly in bed all the time.  I do get up and around occasionally but until we get the fluid out of and around my lungs I'm supposed to avoid exertion...which right now is just about anything.  I have fixed myself breakfast and sit up in a chair for a while.  And while showers exhaust me, I'm not forgoing those at all either.

Mostly I'm feeling a bit abandoned.  Not having any friends has always been an issue for me but every effort I made always failed so I just stopped trying.  Now, I sit alone except for Zach (Tom is either at work or sleeping) but I hate to keep bugging him.  He waits on me hand and foot, fixes my meals, cleans up after me and runs errands for me, but I still feel very much alone.

Sadly the world does not revolve around me.  Or maybe that's not so sad.

I do need to pull myself out of this pity party and find the positive in it all.  I am working on some old projects that had been abandoned so that's good.  I'm focusing totally on regaining my health and doing what I need to do to accomplish that so that's good as well.  My blood sugar has dropped 30 points in the last month, so that's excellent.

Now if I could just get my brain back so I could read again.  I have so many books on the headboard of the bed just waiting to be read and I can't concentrate.  I haven't done any rituals lately because I just can't concentrate on that either. 

And I'm sleepy all the time.

Still, during all of this I have developed a connection, although not a relationship yet, with Airmid and Danu.  And surprisingly with Brighid as long as I don't think of her as a hearth goddess.  As the goddess of craft she really draws me, but as a goddess of the hearth, not at all.  I had come to the conclusion a while back that hearth goddesses didn't appeal to me in general but because I never listen to myself, I struggled to find a hearth goddess in the Greek or Norse pantheons.  Never made the connection with them either.  Now, house elves or house spirits, yes, but not goddesses.

I also have remained consistently on this path for quite a while considering the way I have gone back and forth from month to month.  Of course, I have the freedom to call upon the gods in other pantheons any time I feel so driven so I have no need to shift from this path. 

I am frustrated that this illness has interfered in the forward movement I have wanted on this path, however. Still, I need to figure out a way to do it all from here because waiting for something to change is never a good thing.  I should learn to deal with my circumstances as they are now.

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