Saturday, February 9, 2013

Saturday studying

I read a lot today, mostly about Odin/Wodan.  I'm glad I didn't just jump in and start doing all kinds of invoking and worshiping and things like that before understanding who the god is and what his personality is like.  I'm very drawn to aspects of him but I know that I'm not called by him.  And apparently it's serious business to be called by Odin/Wodan and I'm not ready for that serious business.  But now at least I have the understanding that I need before I start studying runes. 

I'm so glad I didn't discard the Greeks as they spoke briefly to me today, letting me know they're still around and interested in me.  It may be that down the road there is a decision ahead of me but right now I'm happy with both altars and both sets of gods.  I don't feel torn anymore. If anything, I feel fuller and freer.  I still light candles for both sets of gods and still feel a connection with both.

I had a weird dream last night about living in Sweden.  I have no idea what it was about because I've never had an interest in moving there.  You would think it would have to do with the Northern religions but it didn't.  It seemed pretty mundane.  I rode my bicycle to a mall/hospital area, got a tour by a guy I was pretty sure was gay and ended up giving birth in our apartment to a baby girl.  Zach was a toddler in this dream.  There was a brief moment when I passed a Lutheran church and thought I should start going to church again but would have preferred an Episcopal church instead.  But no real feelings about deities at all.  I could look it all up but I'm not sure where to find the answers.  It may be that this was just a dream.  Like a cigar is just a cigar sometimes.

I will admit that I do occasionally think about going back to our Episcopal church but it's mostly about being around people...and the rituals.  I think I will always love the rituals.  But their deity doesn't appeal to me at all and I remember what it felt like to go through the motions and feeling really shitty about it all.  I couldn't go back to that again.  It was a miserable experience. 

Still, the tarot cards keep telling me to form relationships with people.  Just not sure where to find these people to have relationships with.  I'm beginning to wonder if I really have a relationship with the tarot cards at all.  I don't connect with them like I did years ago and I struggle to find anything meaningful in the interpretations.  However, I did do the Animal Oracle cards today and got an amazing connection.  I can't remember the details right now because my memory is like steel sieve today.  Lots of stress can do that to a person.  But I do remember the cards:  the crane, the horse and the eagle.  Not to mention the physical sensation I got from reading them.  I have had that sensation rarely but always when I was connecting with the gods.  I've had it mostly with the Greeks but occasionally with the Anglo Saxon gods, too.  I try not to rely on the feeling because I can see where I would seek the feeling rather than the gods.  I'm like that.

So I'm thinking of giving up tarot.  I don't know why I need to read them anyway.  I don't look for anything in the future.  I only look to them for advice and if I can't figure out what the advice is, I'm shooting in the dark anyway.  I think I'll focus on the oracle cards and the runes.  I think it's time to move into magic anyway.  I thought it was months ago but apparently not.  Now feels like the right time.

Well, actually, now is the time to finish up supper so we can eat. 

No comments:

Post a Comment