Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Forgive my ramblings

My focus is off these days with a part of my mind constantly back in Indiana with my parents.  My dad's health is deteriorating as well.  He's not able to go visit my mother today.  I just hope this isn't a race to the finish line.

I took some battery-operated candles down with me sans incense because we had a smoke-free room but I never did any rituals.  Just prayed to the gods on my own and even then my mind was so distracted I couldn't hold a thought for long.  I had taken off my pentacles...the rune pentacle and the raven pentacle...and replaced the rune pentacle with an owl but it didn't really feel like Athena to me so I changed back and wore a turtleneck that hid the necklace altogether, lest someone ask what my necklace was.  I felt so much better with my pentacles in spite of the fact that they are just pendants, not wards or talismans or anything like that.  I chose not to infuse any kind of energy into them so they just represent who I am. I would love something that represented the Greeks:  I have a peacock pendant but it's not too impressive at all.  Maybe someday I'll come up with something but in the meantime, these pentacles represent me nicely.  And the raven makes me think of Hecate, with whom I really feel a connection so...

I was too tired when we got home Sunday night to do any rituals although I lit candles and incense on my kitchen shrine to Hestia.  I got a warm glow from her and the household spirits.  Last night I had a mini-meltdown and didn't do anything either.  But again this morning I connected with Hestia.  I think tonight for sure I will have some quality altar time with the gods.  As soon as I find my bedroom.  Which I will attempt later today.

I never thought of my family as dysfunctional before I hit my 30s but there is definitely some dysfunction going on there.  My mom's baby sister (age 75) was there helping take care of things and having been a nurse most of her life, thought she needed to control a lot of what was going on.  Previously to that, my older sister was there, who also has a need to make decisions for everyone else.  My dad was pretty uncommunicative while I was there, only opening up as we were walking out the door.  I talked to him last night and he was bubbling over with conversation.  In the course of that conversation he mentioned that since my aunt left that day it was the first time in weeks he felt out from under the dominance of people trying to make all the decisions for him.  I told him my job was to be in the background and just support the decisions he made.  He did say that if he was doing something I didn't approve of I should tell him, but I said it wasn't about what I wanted, but what he and Mom wanted and that he knew her much better than I did, having been married to her for 62 years.

I have one sister, P, so sure hospice is the answer and another determined to let Mom hang around as long as she wants to.  I would find out on facebook what my mother's condition was with a very morose overview to it before anyone could call and tell me what the situation was.  When I would talk to S, my younger sister, she was more upbeat.  Not optimistic, but definitely not ready to shut the coffin lid.  P's facebook updates were dramatic with remarks about her last dialysis (not the case as it turned out) and eulogizing my mother.  Maybe it's the pastor in her that causes her reaction.  I just know that I felt pulled in two because one sister is communicating that my mother has quit and the other is telling me that she's still fighting.  My aunt said that P was about authority and S was about compassion.  And I was the background, in the middle.

Anyway...the visit was extremely stressful, complete with a one-hour lecture from the aunt about my weight and how I needed to just do X and Y and I would lose weight. I was a captive audience as I was in my mom's hospital room trying to keep an eye on her to anticipate her needs.

Not to mention a visit with a formerly favorite cousin I hadn't seen in decades who brought along a wife who didn't draw breath during her hour long discourse on how well-off they were and all the shit they bought in the past year.  This in front of someone who can't even afford to come back to her mother's funeral.  Fucking bitch.  Plus my cousin has taken after his father and turned out to be a raging bigot.

But I'm glad I went down there to visit even if we didn't say goodbye.  I just couldn't say goodbye when she was still fighting.  A futile fight eventually but as long as she can hang on and still wants to hang on, it's what keeps her going.  But on Sunday morning when we walked into her hospital room, she was lying flat on her back with the covers pulled up to her chin, eyes closed, listening to their church service on the radio.  I had to walk out as that image formed itself in my mind as she would look in her casket.  It was a bit too much.

Plus, I didn't want to hear all the Jesus stuff.  I hid who I was with them and said the things they expected to hear from me about god and his plan for us and shit like that, but I wasn't going to sit and have it crammed down my throat.  Plus the room was pretty full of other family so...

I think there is a plus side to this and that's that my dad and my younger sister and I have made inroads to a better relationship.  I think there will always be a coolness on my part with my older sister.  She is the kind of person who needs to be in the spotlight and in control and I'm just not interested in watching the show.  Also I've felt closer to Persephone and Hera throughout all of this.  And when I faced the triggers that would normally draw me away from the Greeks, I didn't react at all.  I just tucked in closer and wrapped myself in the warmth of the Greek gods.  It felt like home

4 comments:

  1. Show me one family that is not dysfunctional in some way shape or form and I will kiss your ass in Macy's window. For realz.

    I'm glad you got to see your mom. I'm not surprised at all that you feel close to Persephone. She is the Dark Maiden. You are facing the death of your mother, your father's illness and the inner child in you needs that comfort.

    Hugs.

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    1. I'm beginning to understand that fact more and more as I age. I grew up in the era of Father Knows Best and Leave It To Beaver. Everyone put on that front and we assumed everyone lived like that. Absolutely wasn't true!

      It was good to see her one last time although she seems to be stubbornly ignoring the diseases that are ravaging her body and is determined to go home before hospice. I hope she makes it.

      I've felt a connection with Persephone for a long time mostly because of the circumstances of her marriage. I can relate in some ways. But it's gotten so much more of a connection these days which I'm sure is because of the closeness of death. When I was trying other paths, she's the one I missed the most because I couldn't find her in other pantheons. I really love her and feel so warm and cozy in her embrace.

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