Friday, February 22, 2013

At home with the Greeks

It's Anthesteria but all I've done is put some silk flowers on the altar.  I don't know enough about it to do a lot more.  I've read things to do but until I have a good understanding of the festival, I'm not going to do too much.  I don't want to just blunder in.  I've blundered before and didn't have a good outcome.

I've been doing some reading at night, particularly in The Iliad, reading things in it that I never caught when I read it for pleasure.  Not that I'm viewing it as scripture.  I don't view anything as scripture anymore.  It's all writings from people who were offering up their perspectives on the gods.  And while I do think there is a bit of inspiration involved, I can't see it as fact or anything I need to take literally.  It's true on one level and not true on another, but it's not fact.  If that makes any sense.

I'm also reading Hesiod's Works and Days and Greek Religion, but just a bit each night.  It's heavy reading and with my concentration skills, or lack thereof, it's not something I can just devour.  Although it is fascinating reading.  I went through a lot of the books I own and discovered that there is a huge inventory of books related to Rome and Greece and the writings of various authors from those eras.  I own The Iliad, The Odyssey, Herodotus's Persian Wars, in addition to some books on Greek women and society in general.  I've been collecting these since I was in high school.  I think that should have told me where my direction lay.

I've also discovered something about myself and that is that I mistake passion for learning about something for a calling in that direction.  A lot of that has to do with having been unable all my life to determine that for myself, I think.  I have discovered that my interests in Heathenry, Hinduism, Celtic culture and all are just interests that I can indulge without adopting the whole thing as a religious lifestyle.  I feel so relaxed about it all now, knowing that I can love something without being "married" to it.  As a result I feel very much at home with the Greeks; it feels more natural than anything I've tried since leaving Christianity.  And now that I don't fear racing off in another direction at the drop of a hat, I feel committed as well.  I never realized how much I needed that feeling

I"m still battling fatigue though and my world is a bit chaotic because the house isn't clean or organized.  Not even my room, which is the one thing I would keep tidy.  I'm still battling the stress of my mother coming to the end of her life but also my father's health is deteriorating and we don't know how rapidly.  The dr wanted to put him in the hospital today but he wouldn't go because he has to go visit my mom in the nursing home.  And while I am okay with the natural order of things, and I do trust Persephone to whisper in Hades's ear, it's still a letting go thing and it's not easy to do that. 

Tonight I think will be another early night and I'll force myself to stay in bed tomorrow except for cooking meals.  I never do well when I try to battle the fatigue.  If I ride it out, I get over it much sooner.  So I hope I can do that this weekend.

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