Tuesday, May 1, 2012

If I don't love me, who will?

I'm not doing much special for Beltane again this year.  Still battling crippling fatigue and I just want to go to bed.  I don't have to fix supper tonight so as soon as I post this, that's where I'm headed.  I do have a game plan that involves harnessing energy but mostly one that involves focusing on myself and my needs instead of all my focus being on how awful I feel all the time.  I need to treat my body better.  No doubt about it.

I ran to the library today to pick up a book that came in on runes.  It looks like a simple, yet informative book.  Not too deep but just starting out, I really don't want deep.  I want understandable.  I've got to get back to my Wicca 101 lessons, too.

Another problem I'm having is focusing on reading.  Well, actually just focusing.  I've needed new glasses for about a year but just haven't had the money for them. I've tried to put myself last (that pesky servant attitude from a former life that doesn't make you a servant but a slave) but the bottom line is I'm having trouble reading.  I can see to drive...no problem.  I just can't see to read.  I needed to get the model number off the stove so I can order a new burner but I just can't read it.  I'll have to get someone else in this house to do that for me.

So...tomorrow if the weather isn't too bad (storm predicted) I'm going to deposit the tax check and make an appointment.  I might get a walk in since it's Wednesday but probably not.

I'm learning that it's not always good to put others first.  It's not always good to put yourself last.  Sometimes you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of the ones who rely on you.  Otherwise you're going to end up where I am now.  No energy, no ambition, no interest.

I might do some knitting tonight if I find the energy.  Lately I haven't even had it for that.  And sleep doesn't fix the energy problem.  No, it's internal, physical and spiritual.  If I don't fix all those areas, it won't matter if I fix one of them because it's not going to help.  I changed my physical to a month later because I'm just not ready to face my doctor who will tell me it's all depression and that if I go off my pain pills, I can take anti-depressants.  With the pain levels I've been having, that's just not going to happen.  Not to mention how crappy I felt on anti-depressants.  The world had no color and I had no interest in anything.  Yeah...not a bit help, were they?

I'm not saying I have any answers, or that any of my plans will work, but I'm really tired of being the martyr.  It's not a role I'm suited to and makes me a miserable person.  From now on, I'm focusing on me.  Everyone else can sort themselves out.  They know I love them, but it's time for me to love me for a change.



  1. One of the first things I learned when I started in on my career path is that you absolutely MUST take care of yourself first. If you aren't in top condition- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually- you can't give other people the help they need. Take care of you. Take care of your friends. Take care of others. In that order.

    1. Thanks, Lady. It's hard to unlearn things after 50+ years, especially when those things were so pounded into your essence. One of the biggest things they promote in Christianity is having a "servant's heart." You're told to "deny yourself" which is supposed to make you more Christ-like. Your wants and needs are always put on hold while you give to others. And yet the ones preaching this or telling you to your face that you need to stop thinking of yourself and think of others first, or those who are set up on pedestals for being "martyrs" are the very ones sucking the life out of you. And they will tell you (as I've been told to my own face) that you're the one who is selfish and not giving because you want time for yourself or a car that doesn't crap out on you, or to start feeling better about yourself. They'll tell you that's Satan making you feel sorry for yourself, that you need to stop thinking about yourself and focus on others, then you won't have time for a pity party. As if not wanting to be a doormat is a pity party. It's hard to get over that kind of indoctrination so you can focus on yourself instead of being that martyr who gives up everything for her family or her friends or her god.

      Sorry for the rant. It's one of the things I'm most bitter about since leaving that behind because it hasn't left me behind yet. But I'm going to work on it. Today I'm going to make an appointment to get new glasses instead of a new stove or a new front door. It sucks that those are my options and I can't have it all, but what can you do?

    2. Rant away, hon. Sometimes it's what you need. Take care of you :)

  2. I started a regime of supplements to combat my migraines. Are there any supplements you can take to aid in your depression? Maybe you could look into alternative pain medication and begin a different anti-depressant than before.

    Sorry honey.

    1. I'm a bit protective of my pain meds as it took me 10 years to find a doctor who would prescribe something for pain. The other drs just patted me on the head and told me it wasn't that bad. And even now there are times when my maximum dosage isn't enough so I don't know of anything out there that would provide enough relief without killing my liver. I was taking so much tylenol before it's a wonder I have a liver left.

      Sleep, I think, is the key factor. I never get enough of it so lately I've been forcing myself to stay in bed until I've had at least 7 hours of sleep. This is the third day and I actually felt like getting out of bed for once. I plan on starting an exercise plan, albeit slowly at first, and try to eliminate some items from my diet that are sapping the energy from me, like sugar.

      Once I'm done with my anti-cancer meds I can start on more supplements but they didn't want me taking any while I was on them. I have 2 more months to go on that. I'm just hoping sleep will give me the energy to do the other things that will help get me healthier.

      Thanks for caring. It really does mean a lot to find people who do care instead of those who tell me to just suck it up and do more. Hugs.

  3. Well I can't say I blame you on being overprotective of a medication that works to control your pain, albeit not enough. I'm sorry you had those idiot doctors telling you it's all in your head. I've been going through that for years with my migraines. Seems as though the only time a doctor believes me is when I have an atypical migraine. Then they treat me like I'm a patient of Dr. House.

    Cutting sugar is HARD. I did it once, fell off the wagon and I'm doing it again. Doc told me I'm pre-diabetic and I don't want to end up an amputee like my mom. No Entenmanns is worth that.

    This no sugar thing is hard on so many levels because that's my go to comfort in my disfunctional relationship with food. You can do it Kathy. You will have withdrawal (crazy huh) but after about a week the cravings get easier and easier. I don't allow it in the house. I was all detoxed off it until Easter when my monster in law gave my son a basket bigger than my ass. I couldn't throw it away because I felt guilty but after we both ate more than either one of us should have I trashed it.

    One thing I'm reminding myself of is there will always be an excuse to eat sugar, but I'd rather save those times for special occasions like a birthday or anniversary.

    Now I've gone and hogged your comments. Hope you're feeling better.

    1. You never hog the comments. I am feeling a bit better today although I would love to have the energy of my youth.

      I am diabetic so sugar is my enemy and yet there are times I can't stop myself. Pacing the floor and eating every other thing in sight until I'm ready to throw up. I need to stop it though and now. You'd think after cancer I would treat my body better but I still act like I'm immortal. Or just don't care what happens, and that's not the case. I have nightmares about the cancer returning or diabetic problems. No idea why I don't just love me better than I love my addictions.