Sometimes it's just too much

I don't often have spiritual dreams.  I've been known to dream about shopping, cleaning house and other mundane aspects of my life.  But spirituality is a rare thing.  So lately I've been having dreams that have made me really stop and think just what the heck is going on.

I had a dream three days in a row where I was in a school of some kind and I wasn't prepared.  I thought it might have to do with the Wicca 101 course I'm woefully behind on.  It makes sense anyway.  So I've been reading away on it the past couple of days...eagerly, in fact.  I knew going into it that Wicca wasn't my likely path so it's no surprise to me that what I've learned has affirmed that.  And yet, I really want to finish the course because there is so much information in there that is helpful no matter what your path is.  Good stuff.

But something keeps nagging at me that the message in the dream isn't about the course.  Could be just that I don't feel prepared for the next steps I'd like to take spiritually or that this is one of those dreams where you end up on the concert stage with no knowledge of how to play piano.  Just a feeling of unpreparedness in general.

To be honest, that seems the most probable message in the dream.  I'm not progressing.  I'm just treading water spiritually.  Partly due to the stress I've been under with lack of sleep, lack of concentration, family situations.  It's hard to keep on track when you feel overwhelmed 24/7/365.  I'm not sure how to manage the stress in such a way that I can compartmentalize it and keep it from taking over my life.  I've tried therapy before and ended up paying out a lot of money that we no longer have to talk about things but get no answers.

Fortunately my husband is willing to help me out here by letting me do whatever I need to do to resolve this.  Aside from spending lots of money we don't have to run away from home.  He's not keen on that for some reason.  Still, it helps that he's okay if I withdraw from everyone for a while and internalize all I need to.

But for pete's sake, something has got to give!  I just got word last night that my mother is becoming terribly confused, in part from the steroids she's taking for her kidney disease.  But the confusion has been growing for a while.  My sisters and I have been talking about this for several weeks but the medication kicked the situation up into dangerous levels.  Mom backed into a car the other day so no more driving for her. 

And with the delicate balance in our relationship, I don't think I can take going down there to deal with her confusion and listen to a litany of everything I've done wrong in my life the whole time I'm down there.  But when the time comes I will take my turn.  It's what we do, after all.

My older son called today asking for another month of payment for his phone, which I agreed to.  He can't find a job and is thinking about moving to live with his birth dad, who apparently is well-off enough to be building on a wing to their home.  That nonpayment of child support from years ago would have been nice but the statute of limitations has long passed.  It was like a knife in my heart when he said he might move out there but what can I tell him?  There are no jobs here either.

In the midst of all this stress, one goddess has stood out prominently offering her aid.  One that I really thought didn't want anything to do with me.  Frigg's presence has really permeated my home, bringing me, well, not peace exactly, but at least some kind of shoulder to lean on.  Whether she's just here just for the duration or intends to bring me into her fold, I'm not sure, but at this stage, I don't really care.  I take comfort where it's given.