Saturday, May 12, 2012

Sometimes it's just too much

I don't often have spiritual dreams.  I've been known to dream about shopping, cleaning house and other mundane aspects of my life.  But spirituality is a rare thing.  So lately I've been having dreams that have made me really stop and think just what the heck is going on.

I had a dream three days in a row where I was in a school of some kind and I wasn't prepared.  I thought it might have to do with the Wicca 101 course I'm woefully behind on.  It makes sense anyway.  So I've been reading away on it the past couple of days...eagerly, in fact.  I knew going into it that Wicca wasn't my likely path so it's no surprise to me that what I've learned has affirmed that.  And yet, I really want to finish the course because there is so much information in there that is helpful no matter what your path is.  Good stuff.

But something keeps nagging at me that the message in the dream isn't about the course.  Could be just that I don't feel prepared for the next steps I'd like to take spiritually or that this is one of those dreams where you end up on the concert stage with no knowledge of how to play piano.  Just a feeling of unpreparedness in general.

To be honest, that seems the most probable message in the dream.  I'm not progressing.  I'm just treading water spiritually.  Partly due to the stress I've been under with lack of sleep, lack of concentration, family situations.  It's hard to keep on track when you feel overwhelmed 24/7/365.  I'm not sure how to manage the stress in such a way that I can compartmentalize it and keep it from taking over my life.  I've tried therapy before and ended up paying out a lot of money that we no longer have to talk about things but get no answers.

Fortunately my husband is willing to help me out here by letting me do whatever I need to do to resolve this.  Aside from spending lots of money we don't have to run away from home.  He's not keen on that for some reason.  Still, it helps that he's okay if I withdraw from everyone for a while and internalize all I need to.

But for pete's sake, something has got to give!  I just got word last night that my mother is becoming terribly confused, in part from the steroids she's taking for her kidney disease.  But the confusion has been growing for a while.  My sisters and I have been talking about this for several weeks but the medication kicked the situation up into dangerous levels.  Mom backed into a car the other day so no more driving for her. 

And with the delicate balance in our relationship, I don't think I can take going down there to deal with her confusion and listen to a litany of everything I've done wrong in my life the whole time I'm down there.  But when the time comes I will take my turn.  It's what we do, after all.

My older son called today asking for another month of payment for his phone, which I agreed to.  He can't find a job and is thinking about moving to live with his birth dad, who apparently is well-off enough to be building on a wing to their home.  That nonpayment of child support from years ago would have been nice but the statute of limitations has long passed.  It was like a knife in my heart when he said he might move out there but what can I tell him?  There are no jobs here either.

In the midst of all this stress, one goddess has stood out prominently offering her aid.  One that I really thought didn't want anything to do with me.  Frigg's presence has really permeated my home, bringing me, well, not peace exactly, but at least some kind of shoulder to lean on.  Whether she's just here just for the duration or intends to bring me into her fold, I'm not sure, but at this stage, I don't really care.  I take comfort where it's given.


  1. Sounds like a pretty rough time lately. I'm sorry that so much has piled up on you. I go through periods where everything is just too damned much to deal with. Generally I just grab a good book or go for a walk and refuse to interact with the world for a while. Of course, that never lasts. It'll settle down eventually.

    1. The lulls between crises seem all too brief. Thanks and I love your suggestions. :)

  2. I'm so sorry about your mom, I had a strained relationship with my father and can empathize with the feeling of dread of "taking my turn".

    As to the dreams, I will offer my armchair psychological opinion on that whole deal-e-o. Take what you will, leave what you don't need.

    I have been thinking about you a lot lately and this 101 course and seeking of magic and have been wanting to say something about it, but alas, I am trying not to put my nose where it doesn't belong.

    Nose inserted.

    I think the dreams signify exactly what I've been thinking. Taking a course on magic is akin to taking a course on: intuition; love; happiness; etc. It is something one cannot learn because it is almost 100% instinct and heart motivation. All you need is confidence to listen to to your heart. You will not learn that in any book or course. Your "tools" (candles, colors and all that jazz) will come to you, I promise.

    1. Thanks, Hippy.

      Actually I had come to a similar conclusion about magic being intuitive so I really appreciate your views on this. But reading the lessons was one of the things that helped me realize that. I plan to continue with the course, though, but not in order to learn about magic. I think I'm learning a lot more about me. I'm really enjoying reading the course although aside from journaling I probably won't keep up with the homework assignments as they aren't in line with what I believe about spirituality. But Cindy is a wonderful teacher and I do like the course. I knew going into it that I wasn't going to end up Wiccan but she was nice enough to let me take the course anyway.

      I do love and appreciate your insight as always, Hippy. Keep telling me the hard things. You know I need to hear them. :)

    2. the 101 isn't actually a course on magic. Its just a beginner course designed to help ppl sort out what they want.. Just basic info given in a format other then a book so that the students can discuss with each other and bounce ideas off each other. I try to get them chatting and supporting each other, cause sometimes people are braver about speaking up if they are chatting with a bunch of ppl that they perceive as being "the same level" as themselves. Although I think they are all pretty darn smart and probably know more then they think they do. :)

      Kathy was up front that she isn't Wiccan and asked to take it. I see no reason why a non wiccan couldn't get something out of it. As will all things you find the gems you need in random places sometimes.

      Its pretty much just designed to help people sort through some things and have a place to bounce ideas around. Sometimes all one needs is a sounding board to sort out the complicated thoughts and feelings you can have when seeking.

      :P And as I keep saying, I'm not too stressed if you aren't up to date on the readings. I'll be honest with you, back when I took this course? I didn't read all the pdfs >> lol shh don't tell.

      I'm glad you are having fun with it though. :) Even if you don't finish any of the homework, if it helps you even figure out what doesn't work for you to help you find what does work for you then its awesome sauce.

  3. Thanks, Cin. I probably should have defined what the course is better, but I just didn't know how to describe it. It is helping me sort out what I want and where I am drawn.

    But yeah, don't think I'll be doing much of the homework and probably nothing that would be turned in to teacher. LOL I'm just rebellious that way.

    Sorry for not being clearer, Hippy, about what the course is. That was my fault.