Monday, May 28, 2012

Back on track

Still dealing with my mother's confusion.  I talked to her yesterday and in some ways it was like talking to a stranger.  In other ways she seemed herself but as a petulant child.  She's laying a heavy guilt trip on my dad for a multitude of imagined offenses.  He's doing okay so far, not buying into it but I can imagine how hard it is.  My dad is not in very good health either and she doesn't seem to remember that he needs daily treatments for his breathing that are very time-consuming.  It's hard.

But this situation has also brought me into a closer relationship with him.  We have had a polite, reserved relationship for years, but this has made him more human in my eyes.  Definitely more vulnerable.  And for the first time in years, he feels like my father instead of the man who constantly criticized me.

This situation has also brought some stability to my spiritual path.  While I'm not studying the 101 course right now, I'm developing relationships with the gods I came to know when I first left Christianity.  I hadn't intended to focus on a pantheon again, and I'm not really sure that I am as there are a few gods outside the Celtic/Welsh/Irish pantheon that have called to me, but I find myself back in their arms again.  Comfortably back.

Bridget, the goddess I had so much trouble connecting with, has become one of the first goddesses I pray to when I wake up in the morning.  My hearth altar has become her altar and she's ever on my mind throughout the day as I struggle to focus on the household tasks I wish I had more energy to keep up with.  But more importantly she no longer has any of the Christian "taint" to her.  She's fully Pagan to me.  I know that the biggest issue I had with her was the way the Catholic Church took her and turned her into a saint with an imaginary biography and everything.  It's hardly her fault if they did that and yet it was so hard for me to look at her because all I saw were the trappings of the saint.  Now she's completely goddess.

As for the 101 course, while I still enjoy it, I'm ready to start studying the things that are pertinent to my own path.  I'm grateful to Cindy for helping me find the direction I needed to go on my own.  I think that's the mark of a good who teaches you to think for yourself and find your own way.  Can't wait to meet her in real life!

But for now, I'm ready to start practicing magic in earnest.  I have a few really good books and Cindy's course was one of the studies that helped me discover how to write my own rituals.  I'm sure it will help me with writing spells as well.  But I'm drawn to the Dark Moon and so it's time to focus on the book Hippy recommended...Rituals of the Dark Moon.  I've got it out and ready to start studying.  I also have one on Spellwork that Rue recommended that my son read and loved.  It's time to start walking on my own now.  And that makes me feel really good.

And I'm back to knitting like mad.  It had bothered me that I had no interest in knitting or spinning or dyeing or anything for a while.  I was really in a slump.  Maybe depression or just no sense of real direction spiritually.  Who knows?  And maybe there isn't much of a difference.  But I'm eager and ready to get back on the path and start heading in the direction I see laid out before me.



  1. Replies
    1. Thanks, Cindy. I'm not done with the course yet. I just need to start working on this now. You are a great teacher!

  2. Isn't it strange how we can see someone in a whole new light when they allow themselves to be vulnerable (or are forced to be vulnerable). I'm sorry about your Mother, it's good to know you have comfort in The Goddess.

    1. More like forced. My younger sister called it payback for the way he's treated our mother all these years. Not that he was brutal or anything...just selfish and impatient with her. Maybe forced vulnerability will help him see Mom in a different light. Hope so anyway.

      Thanks...she's doing much better and I'm feeling the unconditional love I had missed from my mother emanating from the Goddess. It's very satisfying and comforting. :)