Monday, August 8, 2011

I don't want to be in charge

It occurred to me today while answering Dark Mother's comment that part of my problem with walking this path is that while I love the ritual, I have never wanted to be the pastor/priest/priestess in charge of the ritual.  And of course, this aspect of solitary practice means that if I don't institute it, it doesn't happen.  I know that I could do things in a more casual way, but my love for ritual yearns for the designs and construct that happen with formal ritual.  I flat out miss it and yet don't want to be responsible for it happening.

It's a conundrum.

Now that I've identified the problem, maybe I can fix it.  Or at least find a reasonable solution to the problem.

I also have a problem with studying on my own.  It's just not happening.  I was an excellent student in a structured environment; not so much in a self-paced one.  I've thought about joining AODA because their prices are reasonable and I already have the handbook.  But the thought of spending money and not following through, yet again, paralyzes me.  On one hand, I could do with someone looking over my shoulder as a mentor.  On the other hand, I don't want to feel like I'm in bondage to an organization and under the gun to finish my tasks.

Also if someone could sell me the short story version on being better to myself, giving more to myself and not being quite so hard on myself, I would be glad to buy it.  I'm not good at figuring this out on my own.



  1. That makes a lot of sense - for me too. Thanks for sharing that insight.

  2. Thanks, Tana. Now I just have to figure out what to do with that insight. LOL