Friday, August 19, 2011

Depression sucks the soul out of you

My book is on its way here and is now in Wisconsin.  Should be here tomorrow, I hope.  I actually was hoping it wouldn't come today because I had errands to run and Tom is off work so he would have been here when the mail came.  I don't hide stuff from him, but I don't feel like I have to run to him to ask permission either.  I'm not a big spender and most of my purchases are under $20, sometimes under $10.  Still I didn't want to have that conversation with him where I felt like I had to justify any spending I do for myself.

I've been doing a lot of pondering on how badly I manage my time during the day and how little I get done because of it.  It's not just the chores that aren't getting done, it's the fun stuff, too.  I would love to set aside time each day for study, drawing, practicing piano, etc.  But instead of doing it, I just whine about having no energy to do it.  Depression really interferes with the quality of my life.  Knowing that diet and exercise would help doesn't do much to actually give me the energy it takes to cook and work out.

When I was a Christian I had it instilled in me that this was all sin...overeating was obviously gluttony.  Not having any energy to do anything was laziness.  And depression was just a state of mind that required me to focus on God and all would be well.  Not every Christian I knew believed all of that, but all of them believed some of it.  I still can't get past the belief that I'm just a lazy glutton.  And yes, I continue to beat myself up on a daily basis.  I do appreciate it when people tell me to stop being so hard on myself but I haven't yet figured out how to do that.  Not when I have this shit embedded in my spiritual DNA. 

So I've decided I need a spiritual retreat.  I can't go away so I need to figure out how to do that here.  And obviously I don't even have a door I can shut to keep anyone out, but I'll figure out how to do the best I can.  Maybe I need to spend time away from home each day, out in Nature somewhere.  By myself.  It's the best I can do for now.

This weekend, though, won't be the time to start as Tom is home on a 3-day weekend (and next weekend, too) and with a house this tiny he's always in the way when I try to do anything so I'm planning on waiting a couple of weeks.  My birthday is coming up in September (the 22nd to be exact) and with the autumnal equinox as a focal point, I think taking a couple of weeks prior to that as preparation will do me a world of good.

I have to say that one of my dreams is to have a room of my own with a door that shuts and locks.



  1. If I want that room with a lock I find a trip to the library reading/study room is perfect. Nobody there bothers you. Do you have access to a library?


  2. I think Nellie's idea is great. I also think a Spiritual Retreat is a great idea. Good for you for taking control of your time!

  3. I have tried the library before and it's just too noisy. Last time I went there to have some peace and quiet while I tried to write, an Army recruiter was sitting at the next table meeting with someone to sign her up and he wasn't being quiet. I complained to the staff because recruiters have offices and shouldn't be using the libraries for it but the mood was ruined for me and they didn't do anything to him anyway.

    It also bothered me that when the woman went to the bathroom he started moving from table to table "talking" to the young girls there in an effort to recruit them. He was in uniform so it was obvious what he was doing.

    For the most part they are quiet and do try to keep it that way but some people just don't understand that quiet and let their kids yell or cry or talk loudly or talk on their cell phones. There's just no guarantee for that quiet. But it does sound like an option if it's one of those quiet days.

    Thanks, Nellie.

  4. Thanks, DM. I tried to explain it to Tom last night and I could tell he doesn't get it and since privacy isn't something he affords to others, I just won't get it here. I'll figure something out.