Monday, August 22, 2011

Birthing pains

It was a very difficult and emotionally upsetting weekend so I just decided to wait it out and start fresh today.  I've always looked at Monday as the first day of the week rather than Sunday which was always a crummy day anyway because I had to get up early for church, struggle to stay awake during a boring sermon and then do preparations for the coming week.  Monday is when it starts for me.

So this morning I lit my candles, said some prayers, meditated for a brief time and then read my cards.  Normally I just pull one card out of the Tarot deck and one out of my Druid Animal Oracle deck and see how they mesh.  Normally they don't as my cards were still very much not speaking to me aside from getting the 10 of swords with amazing regularity.  Nor surprising as firstborn had betrayed me fairly recently and probably continues to do so.

(A little history of my relationship with Tarot:  when I was in the Navy I learned to read them, mostly intuitively, but I did pretty well with it and had a good report of accuracy.  But after leaving the Navy I met and became close friends with some very fundamentalist Christians and so "recommitted" my life to Christ.  I think that was about the 10th time I had done that in my life.  It's something Christians do when they feel like there's been a distance between them and their god.  They also have been known to get rebaptized.  I did that as well. Twice.  So my friends convinced me that Tarot was evil, inviting demons into my life and that I should dispose of them in an elaborate ritual that they helped me with.  Because of that, I've been having trouble with Tarot responding to me at present.)

So this morning as I sat down to shuffle my cards, with the scented oil in the air, I felt much different while shuffling and decided to do a 3 card spread instead.  The results were pretty much spot on, especially as they connected to each other.  I'll just post what I wrote in my divination journal.

Recent past:  10 of swords...could be firstborn is still betraying me but I think it's more likely Tom going behind my back to write a check for a larger amount than we agreed to compromise on, the amount being exactly what he intended to write in the first place, not telling me but me finding out by looking at the checkbook...not the first time he has gone behind my back to betray me so I think this card is a warning to watch myself

Present:  Temperance...I got this card a few days ago so the message still I intend to begin a new life today, the card is a reminder of moderation, frugality and balance.

Near future:  9 of pentacles...shows success, accomplishment and abundance but since Temperance is the preceding card, staying the course is essential.

Druid Animal Oracle card:  The Goose (Giadh)...the question was what do I need to be alert to as a possible obstacle on my course..the goose represents a mate or relationship partner so in light of the 10 of swords I believe this to be a warning not to let Tom sabotage my efforts at weight loss and spiritual growth, which he has done a lot of in the past.  Nor let my fears regarding him prevent me from moving forward and achieving my goals.  One of the reasons I don't let myself lose weight is because he has told me in the past that he appreciates my efforts to lose weight "for him."  As if everything I do is "for him."  If I wear make up, it's "for him."  It doesn't help to tell him that I'm doing it for me, he still believes it's "for him."  I need to be strong and not let him prevent me from doing things for myself.

The Goose is also a reminder to stay both grounded and spiritual and that I must look after myself.

Seriously, this is the clearest the cards have spoken to me since my Navy days.  And I don't want this to be a post bashing my husband.  I'm just stating the facts.  Mostly this is about me and my inability to stand up for myself or protect or defend myself.  I'm far too dependent on him for both my financial needs and my self-worth issues...of which I actually have none.  I devoted too many years of my life to his needs and wants and put myself last in an effort to be a "good Christian wife."  None of which he asked me to do.  As a result I feel I have lost myself and part of my goal in this new life I am birthing today is to become more independent, to make my own decisions without his permission and to find a life outside of him.  In my real life I don't have a single friend outside this house.  And although I have my own interests, his always seem to come first. light of this recent situation, and looking back at other, similar, situations, I must also learn to guard my heart more closely, be less trusting because unfortunately, he has proven to me that I can't trust him to be honest and fair with me.  I think that's what the cards are telling put up protective barriers that keep me from getting conned again.  Not just by him, but by other family members who have done things behind my back to hurt me.

This is going to be a painful birth process, I can tell.


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