I had an incredible experience last night with the Goddess. I felt like I had lost her favor since returning to Christianity because I didn't sense her or feel her near me at all. I thought that meant that I had been on the right path when I chose to return to the religion I had been raised in, but when that proved to be an empty experience I was hesitant to call up on the Goddess again, feeling like I had abandoned and rejected her.
Last night I called upon her and the moment I touched my athame to my forehead I felt her presence so vividly that I was almost giddy with the experience. It sounds silly to put it down in print but it was more real to me than anything I'd ever experienced before. She didn't reject me! She welcomed me back in spite of me turning away from her. After years and years of feeling in bondage to a god who made me feel like crap about myself it was electrifying to be treated like I had value and that I was welcomed and loved for who I was without any conditions placed upon me. How good could I feel about myself if I were so repugnant to God that he couldn't stand the sight of me unless someone died to "make" me worthy? What kind of god would demand that?
At any rate, it was a good night and although I'm not able to celebrate Beltane tonight I can still enjoy the meaning behind it and the restoration of my relationship with the Goddess. New beginnings, indeed!