Feeling moody today

I didn't make it to church Sunday because it was another insomnia night. The last time I looked at the clock it was 6 a.m. and there was no way I could drive to church with so little sleep. I spent the night stressed because I knew I had to get to sleep because I had to get to church. I had altar guild and my partner wasn't going to be there so I had to in order to clean up after the service. Stress like that doesn't help you sleep at all.

I popped in later in the day to see if I needed to clean up but someone had already taken care of it. They are great about things like that but I still beat myself up for not being reliable. To the degree that I hate to sign up for anything because it's inevitable that I will not be able to make it.

I have decided to drop altar guild though. I've been weighing that decision for several months now, partly because of the reliability issues and partly because I feel like a fraud when I set up for communion. I'm not going to "out" myself to anyone there but I will just say that health issues take priority and I'm going to have to resign. Zach had resigned all of his ministries except Vestry (because Mary pleaded with him to stay) and they're still putting him on the schedule for reader and intercessor. It seems impossible to get off the list once you're on it.

I'm still having a hard time with the anger issues about my experiences with Christianity. I got into it with a former fundie friend who made some very disparaging remarks about gays and then proceeded to "apologize" with her I'm just a sinner saved by grace and no better than anyone else card. She's been doing this for the entire 15 years I've known her but I just couldn't take it any longer so I unfriended her after calling her on her bullshit.

It's hard for me to reconcile people like my dear friends online and in my church with the hatemongers online and in my former church. They both can't be the same religion. And my beliefs on the matter, however ridiculous they might be, are that Christianity is best represented by the hatemongers because that kind of rhetoric dates back to the early church fathers. Does it represent Jesus? Probably not. But I really don't think Jesus has a lot to do with Christianity. Being right is more important to the fundies than being kind and loving toward their neighbors.

I'll admit I'm still very bitter, very disillusioned and that probably is the lens I'm looking through, but I don't see myself ever embracing Christianity again. I tried. I tried to pretend. It's just not going to work.

I've been setting up my altar again but slowly this time and with more thought to it. I'm not happy with the location because it's hard to squeeze past my bed to get to the corner I've got it in, but this tiny house is bursting at the seams with furniture and clutter so unless I can figure out a way to streamline without getting a divorce it just isn't going to happen.

Hopefully when I get over this flu completely I can start working outside more. I did some mowing today but thought I was going to die. I'm so out of shape and the lawnmower is painful to use. The vibrations are so bad that my wrists and hands are in pain after just a few minutes of use.

Also I'm going to try to write in this blog more and the other one less...maybe balance them out a bit. Hardly anyone reads this one and while I would love to have more readers, I'm not sure I want to advertise it since neither my husband nor my extended family know of my departure from Christianity into Paganism or the journey it has taken.

Maybe I'll feel better and more optimistic tomorrow.