Reflections on direction

I'm getting excited about celebrating Samhain, figuring out what I'm going to do where and when.  It's better than Christmas, in my opinion.  I worked a bit in the faerie garden trying to do something with the compost.  I wish I had someplace else for it but it's there and smelly.  I plan on covering it up for ritual but very soon it will be used to cover up the newspapers I plan on putting down to enlarge the vegetable garden space.  Anything to avoid renting a roto-tiller.  We did it the hard way in the Spring, with physical labor and a lot of sweat.

I had an opportunity to talk to Tom this morning about Druidry and what it is.  He seemed receptive although I thought I saw a smirk on his face when I mentioned magick.  I could be wrong.  I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, but there is still no doubt in his mind that Christianity is the only real path.  At least he's not preachy or judgmental about it though.  He knows that's one thing that will drive me into silence and put distance between us.   It was good to have someone to talk to about it in spite of our differences.

I'm hoping to start making some charms, talismans and other things very soon.  I asked Tom if he would wear a talisman for deer hunting and he said he would.  Now I just need to research one to find out what to put in the amulet bag.  He hasn't shot a deer in close to 9 years.  I need to include protection in the talisman for all the wacko hunters out there who don't follow safety rules.

I decided to stop reading a book I got from the library that, while the information in it was somewhat useful, was couched in such terms that made any neo-Pagans look silly.  And the author kept applying nearly everything in Paganism to Christianity, which is not the way I think it goes.  I think it's the other way around.  In fact, I'm convinced that Paganism has more importance and credibility based on the fact that no religion out there exists without incorporating Paganism into it.  Without Mithras and Osiris/Dionysius and other myths, Christianity wouldn't exist at all.  Without including Pagan holidays (albeit Christianized ones) into the church calendar, I doubt if Christianity would have grown as much as it did.  So in my mind (and I'll admit it's a vastly empty place these days) Paganism is the more prevalent religion.  Various Pagan religions date far earlier than the Abrahamic, some being contemporary with Judaism.

One thing I love about Paganism is the way it grows and evolves instead of remaining stagnant and rigid.  I believe the God/desses grow up and evolve as well.  I had my fill of the letter of the law and the insistence of not changing one iota from the imagined founder's rule-book.  I'm not a reconstructionist by any stretch of the imagination, which is why I find myself aligning more closely with OBOD and The Druid Network rather than the American Druid organizations. 

I'm far from being educated about my path but I do know this:  I plan on moving forward, not looking backward.  I did that already; I won't do it again.  If someone feels strongly that they need to do things the way the ancestors did, then more power to them.  But I feel like the ancestors enjoy seeing us grow and take things to a new level.  I'll ask them on Samhain to make sure.

In the meantime, I'll work at learning and growing and hopefully as my path unfolds beneath my feet, I'll make progress at being the person I have it in me to be.

Just as soon as I get a good night's sleep.

Making the changes

I've already instigated the new changes to my routine.  I was merciless in deleting things from my favorite places and limiting my time online and so far the changes seem to be working.  I'm down to an hour in the morning and less than that in the evening.  The time not online will be spent working on crafts and such that might be a window into financial opportunities.  I'm still nervous about an online store or an etsy shop because of all the legalities and taxes and such but I also keep getting tarot cards that tell me this is a path I should be considering.  It's mostly down to no confidence in myself.  Why would anyone pay for things I've made?

So I will be limiting my personal knitting and crocheting for evenings while watching television and assigning hours in the day for working on writing, drawing, painting, and other crafts that I feel might be part of my future online store (or flea market.)  I'm planning on treating it like a job allowing no interruptions, no errands run during that time and no housecleaning either.  I'll do that in the morning while Tom is still here because I can't concentrate on the other things while he's around.  Too many interruptions.

I'm feeling more confident about invoking awen, too.  I've been reading up on it and I think I understand it and how it works but I'm not sure I could explain it.  At any rate, I plan on setting aside time for meditation and study as well.  My life will have to be more structured than I'm used to but I'm hoping that will be a good thing.  I need a balance between my spiritual, physical and emotional aspects and it's just not happening now.  I must be cautious about over-structuring though.  I don't want to make this a prison.

Normally my dreams are terribly mundane.  I've even been known to clean house in my dreams and wake up wondering why the dishes in the dishwasher aren't clean because I remember starting it in my dream.  Or vacuuming.  Or doing laundry.  I need better dreams!  Last night, however, I had a dream that left me with an incredibly sad feeling so this dream really stuck with me all day.  I dreamed that I missed Christianity, the people, the rituals, the vernacular.  But not the gods.  I found that strange, even in my dream.  It doesn't take rocket surgery to figure this one out though.  I'm just lonely and miss a community.  I'm sure it stems from limiting my time online and being afraid that I'll isolate myself to the degree that I'm a recluse.

I do plan on opening myself up more in person, looking for groups that might have similar interests and maybe doing some volunteer work once Zach gets a job.  I still believe my spirituality is meant to be solitary (or near solitary with Zach as a fellow participant) for now, but I do think in time I will look for community in that area as well.  But for now, maybe book clubs or environmental groups (that aren't too out there) and even knitting groups will suffice.  I just need people in my life.

Doesn't mean I intend to give up my online friends though.  Or the blog community I've become so fond of.  I made the cuts elsewhere, on message boards that I never thought I would give up.  And online newspapers.  Just how many do I need to read to get a picture of what's going on in the world?

I'm finally feeling eager to get up in the morning and get going.  I'm still battling the fatigue but my heart feels lighter and my spirit is eager to learn and grow.  Complacency is such a weight on the soul.

My time is up so I'm off to hang the singles I just spun and pick up my knitting for some Masterpiece Theater.  Wallander is on and it's fast becoming a favorite.

On a side note, Tom mentioned how much different Halloween will be this year as Zach and I will be celebrating Samhain.  He really has been very supportive of our religious shift which totally amazes and delights me.

Letting myself recover

Normally I don't do that.  My instinct is to push through the headache, achy joints, stuffy nose and coughing and get things done.  As a result the cold or flu hangs on longer than most people seem to endure.  So this time I'm resting, doing the bare minimum and employing slave labor (poor Zach) so I can just rest.  I think, even though my work load isn't unbearable, it's a case of never taking a day off from those mundane chores in nearly 24 years of marriage.  Aside from when I was going through chemo and even then I still had the basics to take care of, including shopping and homeschooling.  I think I got to take off 2 days after my mastectomy.  We had one vacation, more than 15 years ago, in which we went camping where I...you guessed it...cooked and cleaned in the wilderness while the guys went off canoeing and shit.

I think it's just a situation of overload.  I tend to do a lot of giving, putting myself out there without taking anything in. I've been trained not to accept help from anyone, not to accept gifts (I'm working on that one though) and that selflessness is the higher calling.  As a result, my cup is constantly empty, rarely refilled.  It's not that I'm such a saint or anything.  It's just that I don't have balance in my life.

I'm learning to ask for help and to accept it when given, but it's still very uncomfortable and very difficult to do.  Shedding old and bad habits is hard, especially when you've been conditioned to believe they were virtues.

I haven't felt particularly spiritual this week although I look longingly at my altar from time to time.  I tried to do some reading yesterday but I kept falling asleep, which really was the better option.  Except when I couldn't get to sleep last night until 5 a.m.  And with a chihuahua who thinks me in bed means he's not getting his due attention, the sleep was interrupted.  Several times.  I ended up sleeping until 1 p.m. though so I don't expect to get to bed early tonight either.

The cycle continues.

When I get through this I intend to make some changes in the way I live my life, changing priorities and such and making more time for me.  And putting getting healthy, physically, emotionally and spiritually, up there on top.

In the meantime, I'm going to bed to doze a bit and maybe knit and watch some television while Zach does my chores today.

Because I can.

Be back tomorrow

I'm a bit under the weather today...either a summer/autumn cold or a sinus infection.  I'm sneezing, have a headache and am achy all over.

I'm hoping to be back tomorrow but tonight I'm not cooking or cleaning.  I'm going to bed.

Hope to be back to normal by tomorrow.

Goddess give me sleep!

There isn't a lot in me today due to not much sleep in the past several days.  I didn't try to meditate today nor was it safe for me to light candles last night in case I fell asleep.  I whispered to the Goddess the requests I had and let her know the candles would have to wait until I could stay awake.  As it turned out, it was 3 a.m before I shut the lights out and 6 a.m. before I got to sleep.  Pain keeps me awake.

I intend to sleep in tomorrow regardless of what's going on.  I need it.

Yesterday on our way to town (we take the back, country roads) there were about 5 large birds crossing the road.  As there was no one behind me, I waited for them (it's against the law to cause an accident while braking for animals in Wisconsin).  Zach thought they were pheasants but as we passed them, I saw they were turkeys.  We do have wild turkeys around here and we see them frequently on that road during November, but I can't recall seeing them this early before.  I wonder if this is a sign of an early winter.  The birds know, they do.

I'm not terribly crafty when I'm this tired so I probably won't work on drawing or knitting or crocheting tonight.  I'll probably fall asleep at 8 p.m. and wake up at midnight and be up the rest of the night.  It's how I seem to work.  But I do intend to keep pursuing meditation and keep reading up on Druidry, spells, and Awen, amongst other things.

As it is, supper is almost ready and I hope I can stay awake to eat it.

Mundane Monday with a smidge of spirituality

I spent less time online this weekend and got some much needed work done on my knitting although I would have liked to have done other crafts as well.  I just couldn't wrap my brain around anything else though.  I printed out the instructions to make a God's eye to go over my altar although I would like to make one for other rooms in the house as well.  I'm working on making the whole house reflect our spirituality and not just the bedroom.  Tom won't care at all, I'm sure. 

I'm not ready to start decorating for Samhain yet, though.  I used to decorate for Christmas right after Thanksgiving and by Christmas day I was sick of all the decorations and took everything down after the presents had been exchanged.  So I'll wait until the week before Samhain to make the changes to my altar and decorate the rest of the house.  I plan on gradually buying decorations over the years because it's too expensive to do it all at once.  Plus I don't have room to store anything so it will have to be something that is multi-purpose and can be used for different holidays.

I got some books on crows and other night creatures, planning on studying the pictures to draw them for the monthly theme on John Howe's site:  Night Wings.  It's also interesting to read about them.  I wonder if the crow is my power animal.  I might even get my paints out and try a painting of a crow for my wall in my bedroom.  Zach is drawn to owls so I hope to draw him a picture of an owl, maybe for a birthday present for him this month.

I tried some meditation this morning but I suck at it.  I was supposed to visualize a rising sun from the top of a hill and I could see everything except the sun.  Plus my overactive mind kept drifting off into other scenarios including hanging clothes on the line.  I will keep trying though.  I would love to tame my mind.

I"m trying to spend more time in spiritual pursuits because I feel like my attitude toward my new path is too cavalier.  I don't think I"m taking it seriously enough.  In that I am taking the easy path too often and not challenging myself.  It stems from my abject fear of failure, I think.  I know the only way to overcome it is to keep trying and learning from my failures instead of letting them paralyze me.

Today was a good start but I can do better and not get off the path I start on so easily.  I'm such a quitter and I hate that about myself.

But now it's time to finish up my chores for the day and start supper because these mundane things matter to me in a spiritual sense as well.  And also because I need sheets on my bed and something to eat.

Happy Countdown to Samhain

Marginally better again.  Except I tried to take Professor on a walk and my hips started bitching at me the last half of the block...which is a very, very steep hill.  So tomorrow we'll go down that one instead of up.  I need to get my blood circulating.  I'm becoming convinced that health and spirituality are incontrovertibly linked but don't ask for explanations today.  My mind is still in a fog.

I got some books from the library today on ravens, crows, etc so I can focus on Night Wings this month along with the artists on John Howe's site.  I also found a book on Welsh fairy tales which intrigued me so it came home with me, too.  I've been finding myself drawn to the Welsh aspects of Druidry, but it's probably just for a season.  It seems to be how I work...in seasons.

I'm pretty sure I have Welsh ancestry but I haven't explored it much.  I do know I have Scottish on both sides of my family: Stewart and Baldwin, and I'm pretty sure the Jones side comes from Wales but I haven't got the money to do a genealogy search right now. Family members have done genealogies and I've got a Mormon cousin who I'm sure has but I haven't seen her in over 40 years so I doubt we'll ever be in touch.

It's not important in the scheme of things but I do feel like I'm drawn to the religions of my ancestors.  I'm thinking of learning Welsh although I would love to learn Scots Gaelic as well.  Finding sources for those languages is hard though.  Open University has beginning Welsh and the library has beginning Scots Gaelic so I can at least learn the basics.  Maybe enough for pronunciation. 

Now that it's October, I'm getting excited about decorating for Samhain.  To me it's like the excitement I used to feel decorating for Christmas, only better.  I'm hoping the excitement will be the impetus I need to get my motivation and ambition in the same place.  I'm so excited to celebrate this year as this will be the first year we're able to be open about it.  I'm having fun counting the days.

I plan on doing some drawing tonight as well as knitting.  I've always found knitting to be a spiritual exercise for me, even as a Christian, but I realize now that it's never been a Christian exercise.  Instead I feel a connection with the ancestors and even the gods (forgive me for the lower case but I still can't get past the upper case meaning the Christian god and I really prefer lower case because that separates them out for me).  I wonder if that's why Lugh has called to me and why Brighid was the first to get my attention.

So I'm off to spin, draw and knit (and crochet) and work on my Books as well.