Monday, September 22, 2014

Who am I and how did I get to this point?

I didn't do a lot of soul-searching during my absence from blogland, but I did do some.  One of the biggest things for me was trying to figure out why I had such a hard time finding a path I could stay on.  I was feeling silly because I seemed to be all over the map.  So I thought two questions needed to be answered before I could find the conclusion I was so desperately seeking.

Who am I and how did I get to this point?

Who am I isn't that easy a question.  It's complex and a result of over half a century of trials and struggles.  Since leaving Christianity it's been the biggest question in my mind.  Trying to find my pagan place in the world was impossible because I didn't know who I was.  I had spent my life being whoever I was supposed to be:  wife, mother, daughter, Christian.  I never got the chance to be who I wanted to be.  In fact, I didn't even know who I wanted to be.

I regularly rotated pantheons:  Greek, Celtic, Norse, Greek, Celtic, nauseum.  And I couldn't figure out why the grass was always greener over that proverbial fence.  I had settled on the Norse before my sabbatical and did stick with them for a while until I realized I wasn't happy with who I was while worshiping the Norse gods.  I am fond of them but I didn't feel like myself while I was with them.  I'm extremely liberal socially and fiscally.  I lean more toward peace than war.  I want to work more for the environment.  The Norse gods seemed to have a lot of followers who were testosterone-driven, war-mongerers and into conservative politics.  Same with the Greeks.  Lots of rules, lots of conservative-leaning thinking.

So obviously the Celtic gods were a good fit for my personality.  Why didn't I want to go in that direction?

The answer to that was with the second question.  How did I get to this point?

When I left Christianity, I thought I wanted something authentic.  I didn't want to be lied to again or fooled into believing in something that was largely made up...again.  And yet, I recently realized that I was basing the authenticity of all gods from the bible.  I still looked at that book as reliable and credible, even knowing what I know about its origins.  To me, the Greeks had authenticity because of the antiquity of the books about the gods.  Ancient meant it had been around and stood the test of time.  The Norse came in second because there were written records, even if they were tainted with Christian revision.

But the Celts were all over the map.  Not only was there no set pantheon, the gods came from different cultures, tribes and continents.  The writings were nearly non-existent and the writings we did have were so mangled by Christian interference as to be my opinion.  It was difficult for me to commit to gods who seemed put together like a jigsaw puzzle.

Until I realized that I had as my standard an equally unreliable book.  I had discredited the bible in my own head years ago but apparently it was so embedded in my psyche that I still used it as the measuring rod to stand against everything else.  Realizing that enabled me to break from the artificial constructs I had created and be free to go with my heart toward the gods who fit me best.  The gods who respond to me when I call upon them in spite of me having shoved them in the armoir over and over again. path is with the Celts as it was when I first started this path.  I'm leaning toward Druidry once again although not necessarily following any particular flavor.  I consider myself a witch of sorts although as with the Druidry, it's not a part of my religion, per se.  It's just who I am.  And I am who I am because of how I got to this point.


  1. You had me pondering that question for about an hour but the simple answer is that, for me, I like walking a path. I don't think of it as walking a path that has been laid out for me. Rather it's like finding a hint of a trail and making it my own. As much as I have tried, I can't bring myself to mix pantheons. Believe me, I've tried. I'm more at home with a pantheon that has been established even if it's not necessarily historically authentic.

    It's just part of that who am I that I had to find out.

    But thanks for the question. It really made me think.