Saturday, September 27, 2014

No more

I must be an old fossil.  Tumblr is hard for me to navigate.  Zach is going to help me with it but I'm not sure that's where I'm going to end up.  I don't do as well with change as I did when I was younger.

It's very hard for me to escape all the negativity in my life.  I'm sick to death of people telling others to just look at the positive things and to write down one good thing about each day.  When you're drowning in pain and emotional anguish, throwing you platitudes doesn't help you swim to shore.  To me it's nothing more than telling me to mask my pain and shove it where I can't see it anymore.

Yes, I know that negativity affects spiritual work.  Tell me how to find a way out of this black hole I'm in and I'll try to be more positive.  When I used to confide in people, I was told to shut up and do something about it instead of whining.  What?  Just what was I supposed to do?  Not one person offered any assistance.  Just told me to get over it.

I determined yesterday morning that I was going to be more positive.  I woke up feeling brighter than I have for ages.  Went to the store in the car I thought had been fixed only to have it overheat again on the way home.  On a remote country highway.  Headed back to town instead of trying to make it home since I was closer to Walmart than I was my house.  It overheated again on the way.  Fortunately a police officer stopped and gave me a ride to Walmart to pick up antifreeze so we could get home.  Several cars passed us by without even glancing in our direction.

So now my car is down again.  I was supposed to meet my sister and her husband in Madison on Thursday for lunch, on their way to Green Lake for a conference, but no way can I trust the car.  So we agreed to meet closer to home.  Only now I'm not sure the car will be done in time for that.

Tell me again how I'm supposed to find something positive about that.  Yes, I wasn't stranded.  But do you know how many times I've had similar situations occur?  Dozens.  I've had to take a taxi ($20), get Tom off of work, walk across Beaver Dam (took 3 hours...I'm arthritic and overweight) to get to a phone so I could call a taxi.  Each time I struggle to hold it together so I don't fall apart and embarrass myself in front of strangers.

There are things going on here I can't talk about for personal reasons but they add to the burden of struggling to just make it.

So don't challenge me to be grateful about something each day.

Ever since we moved here, we've had one thing after another pile on us.  There's no doubt in my mind that we are under a curse.  No doubt at all.

I'm tired of pussy-footing around.  I'm going to research it and figure out what to do but I'm fighting back.  No more nice guy.  No more believing that good wins out.

I'm going into battle.

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