Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Will I ever learn what I need so I can commit to a path?

I know I said I wasn't going to do it, but I did change my altar out to a more eclectic one.  I hadn't thought about it but I noticed that after I did that, my shoulders didn't seem to sit up around my ears anymore.  I wonder what was stressing me out about the altar. Maybe it was decals, which seemed a bit like cartoons once I put them up.  Or maybe the altar was just too busy, too cluttered.  Or maybe it just wasn't right.

Not a huge difference but it feels more like me.

Obviously these pictures were taken today and not back in 2011.  I suppose I should figure out how to change the time stamp but right now I just can't be bothered.

I also did a lot of thinking last night and decided that I keep trying to order my spiritual life in a restrictive way.  I know that the Hellenic path is mostly orthopraxic, meaning that how you worship is more important than why or who.  I don't know why I keep thinking that will work for me.  It never does and I've reached that stage where doing the same things over and over again really is close to insanity.  I've not been happy.  I've been busy and I was content initially but I didn't derive a lot of satisfaction out of it.  I think I realized that I just don't like myself much when I worship the Greeks.  And maybe I don't really "love" them so much as they are the most familiar to me.

I also keep thinking I've reached this conclusion before and just keep forgetting it.

I don't know if I believe much in signs and portents but I found my Green Man pendant today after losing it months ago.  Odd because this is how I've been feeling lately...drawn to a more eclectic and organic path.  One that focuses on Nature and the elements...magic and herblore.  When I do nothing but focus on the gods, I lose all that.  I spend all my energy focusing on them and lose myself.

I think I'll focus on me and let the gods come to me for a change.

I may end up wandering the rest of my life but as long as I'm learning and not repeating the same mistakes, like I've been doing lately, it should all work out.  It's embarrassing that I have so much trouble committing to a path.  I could keep all this private and not blog about it but even though sometimes I feel like doing all this publicly keeps me from making choices, I think keeping it private would keep me from learning the lessons I need to learn. 

Although I hope public humiliation isn't one of them.

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