Monday, July 15, 2013

Rebellious me

Just as soon as I wrote that last entry I ran into a post in a group I belong to on facecrack that bemoaned the blogs out there that claimed to be pagan and yet were "diaries" rather than discourses on paganism.  Really?  So people should shut down their blogs because this piss ant went looking for pagan blogs and found blogs by pagans instead?  It really put me off blogging even though I know this person and the many people who jumped on her band wagon are being asshats.

So...fuck 'em.  It's my blog and I'll post whatever the fuck I want to post.  I'll talk about my life, my routine and my feelings.  If they don't want to read "journals" then don't fucking read them, but don't complain that they're out there.  The world, my dear, doesn't revolve around you. that off my chest.

And now, back to me.  Because this blog does revolve around me. Insert evil grin here.

The past few days I've felt absolutely no connection whatsoever to the Greeks.  I'm not jumping in there and switching out my altar or jumping into a different pantheon, but I do wonder what's going on.  I think part of it is discovering that I don't "love" them the way I did when I was a child.  I'm sure that's partly because they're just not the same gods I knew then.  Then I knew only what I read in Edith Hamilton's book or my elementary school textbooks.  They were children's stories.  Now I have to deal with the "adult" gods as an adult and in an adult world.  I'm not sure I'm processing that very well.

I read about others who love their gods, are passionate about them.  I just don't feel that.  I know much of my inability lies with having "loved" a deity (or matter what they say, Christianity is polytheistic) for half a century only to find out he didn't love me back.  And likely didn't even exist as a real person, contrary to the propaganda.  I haven't gotten over the betrayal of having been lied to about facts of history and even about what the sacred literature actually says.  It's hard to trust again.

Still, I'm not giving up on the Greeks but I am absolutely certain that there are aspects of worship that I'm not comfortable with.  Not because it makes me uneasy but because it's just not who I am.  I'm just not formal in my practices and I'm not keen on a lot of boundaries. 

Zach and I were talking about UPG yesterday and I told him that I had never had that experience.  I think it's mostly because I lived 50 years being told what my religion meant, what it taught, and what to believe.  I seem to still rely on others' versions of what that particular path involves.  Not that information is bad, but it's not good if you never think for yourself or seek your own experiences.

I'm not really planning on changing anything but as I probably will end up much outside the boundaries of Hellenic polytheism I decided to drop that label and just remain a pagan or polytheist or whatever the hell I am.  I've just reached a stage where I don't care about the rules.  I want the relationship.

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