Some endings and some beginnings

Eldest son finally noticed I had unfriended him on facecrack and decided on Christmas Eve to challenge me on it.  As I had deleted his inappropriate response, his reasoning was that I couldn't complain about it since I couldn't prove he said it.  He also started handing out ultimatums and insisting that I'm the problem, not him.  I know he's a very unhappy person who has deep-seated feelings of abandonment due to something I did in the past but he's an adult now and either needs to get professional help or something in order to deal with it all.  I just know that I will continue to reach out to him but I won't be his doormat anymore.  And I won't friend him on facecrack again.  I won't end our relationship but there is definitely an ending of the nature of it.  I am his mother, not his friend.

I've been doing some studying, reading and general spiritual stuff, lots of new and exciting things.  But last night my fountain stopped working and I thought it needed water so I poured some in only to completely soak my entire altar cloth and Greek afghan underneath it.  Needless to say I didn't do ritual on the altar last night although I did read some prayers from bed and felt perfectly comfortable doing so.  I haven't done anything with the wet altar yet because I did soak it up with a towel last night and I'm hoping that will be enough.  If not, I should have the dryer working by tonight and can dry it properly.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately that talk about what constitutes a Pagan and who is or isn't one.  It's beginning to remind me of the whole "not a real Christian" shit I encountered most of my life (and even now it continues.)  On one level I can see that Pagan has come to mean the nature religions, particularly Wicca and Druidry.  And that some other religions don't like to be called Pagan, like the Norse Heathens or the Hindus.  And even my own discipline has started to distance itself based on the affiliations that seem to dominate the definition of the word.  Frankly I just don't care.  It seems to be just an exercise in semantics to me.

Another blog talked about how it was good that people were so sure they were in the right religion that they wouldn't accept that someone else might be in their own right religion.  That one surprised me a bit as the blogger was talking about a Catholic insisting that her religion was the one true one and everyone else was worshiping false gods.  In light of all the evil that has been done under that kind of philosophy, I can't find any good in it, even if the blogger thinks that it means that she's not wishy-washy about her faith as some Pagans seem to be.  Because they think that other religions have merit for other people.  And of course there are posts out there about people who have experienced many different religious paths until they found the one that was a good fit for them.  As if this was a bad thing.  Like you wouldn't try on clothes before you brought them home on the off-chance they might fit.

But mostly I've been reading good things that sometimes make my brain hurt, other times make me think, and most times make me smile because I can relate to what the blogger is saying.  It's been interesting reading Hellenic blogs because I've found that most aren't reconstructionists at all, but tend to practice in a Hellenic manner without being dogmatic about it.  Which is where I am.  Although more and more I'm finding my path leading toward the ancient practices, I'm not being forced into it by intimidation or through arrogance.  Nor am I finding that I need to do things by the book.

I haven't decided on any goals for the year, but I think I might set up some kind of plan where I can make some short-term goals to work toward.  I believe that's the best way for me.  By doing that I end up achieving the result I had intended all along.  Baby steps.  Still.

I briefly thought about going back to church but quickly decided against it when I realized I didn't miss the ritual anymore as my own rituals more than fulfill me.  I thought maybe it was because of the social aspects but I also realized that I had nothing in common with anyone there anymore so that was sort of beside the point of it all.  No, I need to move forward, find new avenues for social connections, like the library knit night or maybe some of the environmental/nature groups around here.  And maybe the montly meetup in Madison with other Pagans.

But for now, I'm looking forward to New Year's Eve when I will light a candle to Janus and the other gods as they open the door into the New Year.