Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I'm feeling better today.  Ritual helps heal a lot.  I think just doing something instead of passive prayer or worship makes me feel more connected to the gods. It's probably why I had longed for liturgical worship when I was a Christian.  Something I resisted for so long because I had been taught that it was mindless worship and near-idolatry.  And once I had it, I no longer believed in that deity so the next step was to take the ritual to a place where I did believe.

It's just been a journey finding ritual that completes me.  I tried to force it for so long that I had despaired of having that feeling of completeness again.  But finally I feel like I'm getting there.  I doubt I will ever "arrive" but as the journey is what makes it all interesting, destination isn't critical.  I don't have any real defined ritual aside from some candle-lighting and some pre-written prayers, which I really love as I tend to stumble around and worry more about what I'm saying than what I should be saying.  I feel a connection that seems stable, yet powerful and fulfilling.

I'm looking forward to Winter Solstice.  There is a modern Hellenic ritual that someone has designed that, while structured, is still very adaptable to one's own desires.  I may take what I like out of it and discard what I don't.  It's not overwhelming; it's just long...9 days long, if I remember correctly.  An alternate 2 day festival has been designed based on the 9 day one, which is more in keeping with what my intentions are.  It's not that I'm lazy or anything, but at this stage, I'm not ready for the commitment a 9 day festival entails.  I do well to remember my daily rituals.

I'm also looking forward to Christmas as this year we're making more of an effort.  Definitely a secular or Pagan Christmas though.  I've gotten rid of all my religious ornaments and Zach has requested a new tree topper instead of the star we've got.  I suggested a God's Eye and he loved the idea so I need to think about which colors to use.  That will be my new ornament for the year.  I always add a new one, usually something I find at the thrift store or one I make.  Last year I made a new tree skirt instead of an ornament and it worked out well.

This is the first time in years I've looked forward to this season instead of dreading it.  I must be healing.  Asklepios really knows his stuff. :)