Thursday, September 15, 2011

Out of the comfort zone is a good place to be

As I mentioned in the comment section previously, I have left the group I was in, but oddly not over religion.  The bottom line for me was that I had changed too much and time was too short to sit in a room with people I didn't like.  The ones I liked, I was already "friends" with on facebook so it wasn't like I wasn't going to be seeing them again.  Some I just didn't have an opinion on...good to see them, not sure I had enough in common with them to develop a relationship but if they friend me, we'll have a go at it.  The rest are still the hard-ass fundamentalist bitches they always were.  Bowing to the altar of Ayn Rand and J.C. as if they were compatible.  Besides they were afraid of catching prayer cooties from me so fuck 'em.  Not spending one more moment in their company.

I do still have some fundamentalist friends who are dear to me but they love me for who I am, not in spite of who I am.  I love that about them.  And they don't stick their noses in the air and ask me not to pray for them, even though I know their beliefs are just as strong as the fundies who like to remind everyone how holy they are.  And we just don't talk about politics because...what's the point?

One thing did happen that I had to think about before posting again.  A really good friend, pretty liberal, and to be honest, the driving force in me seeing what a terrible person I was regarding the poor and non-Christians and without an unkind word said to me about it, said that this blog made her uncomfortable.  One thing I decided when I started this blog that it would be painfully honest.  Honest about my faults, problems and honest about how I felt about things.  One of those things happens to be Christianity, and I do try to be honest and not just vent in bitterness and anger.  So I felt a bit uncomfortable knowing that people I did care about were upset that I was attacking their belief system.

And yet, there are parts of that system that damaged me, my son and others I know beyond repair.  It's fortunate that the parts my son and I have that are damaged aren't debilitating, but others I know have lost everything, including their lives due to the thing Christianity has become.  So as much as I love them, I won't stop.  That would be dishonest.  Yet I don't intend this to be nothing but a Christian-bashing blog either.  I have had my share of concerns about aspects of Paganism as well, and I've tried to be honest about that, too.

Bottom line is, I have to learn that I can't live my life trying to please everyone, nor can I realistically let friendships overshadow honesty, because that's not honest.  Poor Tana, has had to listen to my rants against her belief system for quite a while now and while I really, really ache that I do this to her, she understands that I'm not criticizing her in all of this, but merely trying to find some healing.

I also decided when I started this blog not to worry about readership.  I would like to have more readers because I would love to have more input and develop relationships with others who either are like-minded or respectful about our differences.  But I have learned that writing this blog for me is more important than writing this blog so I'll get people to read it.  For me, that's a huge leap toward maturity and peace of mind.

So...I love that people read, sorry if anyone is uncomfortable reading but then, I am probably more uncomfortable writing this than you are reading it, and hope that those of you who do drop in from time to time will just share the journey with me in any fashion you choose.



  1. Yes, state your truth. If others can't handle it, that's their problem.

  2. It's hard after more than half a century of indoctrination to overcome that submissive attitude, that I must always put others first. It's led to me not taking care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. That's one of the reasons this blog makes me uncomfortable. I'm putting myself first and it's such an alien concept.

    Thanks for your continued support, Debra. I really appreciate all your advice. It's always on the mark.

  3. I'm reading, I'm reading! I don't usually bother to read through all the archives when I find a new blog, but this one has been interesting. I'll catch up to you in real time soon!