Just rambling...and catching up

I do keep meaning to post here but I just can't ever think of anything to say.  Not that that stops me from saying stuff anyway.

I'm finding more and more heathen sites that are anti-racism, which is good.  Still not comfortable wearing my hammer out in public much though because public sentiment sees that hammer and thinks...white supremacy groups.  I wear my pentacle raven or my pentacle or my wolf pendant.  I don't care that no one knows what my beliefs are.  In fact, I prefer it.

A few weeks ago got bombarded with some Christian evangelical types at my front door wanting to discuss the state of the world.  I told them I didn't believe in their god and didn't really want to talk with them but they managed to get information out of me anyway.  I'm a wuss when it comes to keeping my mouth shut about personal things.  But I did refuse to get into details about my beliefs.  They kept asking as though they were interested but I know from personal experience, they're not.  They want specifics so they can go back to their group and "pray intelligently."  In other words...gossip about me. 

On another blog out there in the comments section, about the Hobby Lobby decision (which I hate, by the way) there was a woman defending Christians and their determination to force their beliefs on others by not letting them have the health care their doctors have decided is right for them because of erroneous information about abortion.  She was telling everyone that all Asatruar believed as she did, that the SCOTUS was correct...and yet...here I sit...not agreeing with her.  And I know many others who don't either.  Another reason it's difficult to admit publicly that I am a heathen. 

I know there are right leaning pagans out there.  I don't understand their reasons for being that way but they've got every right to be who they are.  As long as they don't claim to speak for all of us.  I know that heathens do tend to be among the right-leaning.  The two paths I had the most trouble deciding between were both right-leaning, but I'm definitely not.  I'm very much on the left.  Proudly so.

Ideologically I am more in step with the Celtic types but I really don't connect with those gods.  The gods I feel most connected with are the Norse.  But my idea of the Norse gods might not fit with other heathens either.  I'm a firm believer that the gods didn't stop having a life after the Eddas.  I think there are more stories out there that just haven't been told yet.  And I fervently believe that they grow and adapt, too. And they're perspectives change as well.  After all, as someone said online somewhere, all religions are UPG.

I'm also happy that more and more heathens are not ascribing to the philosophy that all of us are militaristic and testosterone driven.  The Viking era was a short period on the timeline after all.

I should stop rambling and get Tom's supper finished so I can crawl into bed and read some more.  Or watch tv and knit.  I haven't been knitting as much as I would like.  The fatigue gets to me and I can't even do that much. :(

Taking a stand. No more!

One of the biggest hurdles for me in committing to the Norse path has been the overt racism that exists in a loud group of Heathens.  I finally decided, after finding a group of people online who feel the way I do about it, that I won't let the bigots keep me away from the gods I love.  I also won't be silent about it.  They can justify it all they want but it's all bigotry and I won't have it!

Unfortunately I'm seeing racism creep into other branches of Paganism as well, not just the Norse and Anglo Saxon paths.  On a Hellenic board I've seen some fascism pop up with all the white superiority that goes along with it.  Celtic groups have seen their share of it as well.  I think it's mostly a response to the brazen racists who think it's okay to come out of the closet they've been hiding in for the past 50 years.  Well, not hiding so much as just not being as overt as they are now.


It's good that people are finally speaking out now and letting the racists know they're not going to be the only spokespeople for the path we're all on.  But that means I have to be one of those who speaks out as well.  I'm not good at confrontation and I'm not good at debate but I'm not going to let anyone else define for me the gods I believe in and love.

And let's not be "tolerant" of others when that tolerance masks an ugliness no matter how pretty they've tried to dress it up.  Don't like it?  Don't read my blog then. 

No racism, no white supremacy, no white pride, no folk groups.  It's all code for racism and it's not welcome here or in my religion.

Still here

I don't know if anyone is reading this blog anymore.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue with it and having had a lot of health issues to deal with lately, just haven't had the impetus to do much of it.  I hope to pop in here regularly but if not, I'll be here from time to time.

It's odd how, when I decided not to focus on a direction, one was made apparent to me.  I seem to have no doubts now, and haven't had any for a while.  Signs and portents are lining up, making this direction a surety to me.

Still, I know so little and have so much to learn.  But the gods are patient and kind and give me all the space I need to discover them.

 One of my biggest obstacles has been the racism and white pride that exists with people who are on this path as well but I'm hanging out with the guys who hate it as much as I do so I feel a lot more secure.  Plus, they are getting more vocal in their rejection of the bigoted, which helps.  Still I don't like to wear my hammer out in public these days much.

Zach is also on this path with me so it's nice to have company on the journey.  Hopefully we'll get our shit together and get more organized so we can have rituals outside now that the weather is cooperating.  I really want to use my fire pit.

Blessings on this Sunne's day.

Stepping way outside my normal way of thinking

We had a short full moon ritual last night.  Winging it as I had no formal ritual to follow.  I thought it went well and so did Zach.

Still plugging along this eclectic path.  Not feeling overly excited about it but I think that's a good thing for now.  It feels normal, if that makes any sense.

Last night I put Bast on my altar but felt really uncomfortable doing that so I took her off only to realize she wanted on the altar but on the upper shelf, not below where I normally put my statues.  She's still there and it feels pretty right.  I've never seriously considered her before, mostly because my drawing has been toward European gods for the most part.  Now that I've opened up to any and all gods, I've discovered several out there who just want to stop in and say hi, including the spirits of some animals.

I've been drawn to the eagle for years, as well as the crow or raven.  Lately I've felt the wolf's presence as well and thought they might represent gods but now I'm not so sure.  I think they might just represent the spirits of the animals.  I did notice that our full moon ritual had some Native American influences.  I have a miniscule amount of NA ancestry but I never considered that path either, thinking my more European ancestors were more dominant.

I'm not sure where I'll end up, if I even end up anywhere, but I am discovering more about the environment around me, the aspects of Nature and the elements.  I seem to notice more about me, the influences of spirits and Nature on my life.

I also put a statue that has been identified as Frigg on my altar but I'm not so sure she is Frigg.  I definitely sense Persephone in that statue.  That might be why I never could connect well with Frigg when I was worshiping her in that representation.  I am learning that the gods manifest themselves as they choose and not how we perceive them.  The horned god is there as well.  I think of him as Cernnunos mostly but he might be every horned god out there.  I have no idea right now.

I really do believe that the pantheons are artificial constructs that we humans devised in order to define who our gods are.  Getting rid of the idea that the gods exist in distinctly narrow slots has really opened up the universe to me.

Insanity

I know it's insane to keep doing the same things over and over again and getting the same result so I've got to figure out just what it is I'm doing so I can affect a different outcome.  It's not that I don't love the Greek gods.  I do.  It's just that I'm not certain that they're all that different from the Norse or Celtic or Gaulish gods.  And pantheons are giving me a lot of grief.  Who really decides who is in a pantheon?  I mean, as people migrated, they took their gods with them, mingled them with the gods who were already there and new patheons rose up.

And mythologies?  Oh, dear.  That's my kryptonite.  Mythologies will turn me away from the particular gods I'm focused on quicker than anything.  I don't believe in them and yet since that's the only way we "know" the gods (before we get to "know" them) they seem to be an integral part of the whole shebang. 

So I figure I should take a break from the gods. Period. 

I'll figure out the spirituality first and then figure out the gods later.  This is hard for me because there is a void that I keep needing to fill where the gods are concerned, but as that seems to be the biggest problem for me, I think I should fill the void up with me rather than gods before I try to find gods to fill the emptiness inside of me.

It's time to take care of myself.  The gods will do fine on their own.

Doing it better this time around

I'm still doing well here so far aside from the debilitating fatigue and now my occasional sciatica acting up.  Spiritually, at least, I'm fine.  Physically it's like cascade failure.

I'm spending more time just contemplating the gods and meditating on them instead of reading about them.  This is working out very well for me.  I feel my relationships growing steadily instead of feeling like I'm battling an insurmountable obstacle.  While I haven't focused on a particular deity (I don't do patron gods) I've noticed that I'm not collecting rooster designs all over the place.  The rooster seems to represent Hermes and I can attest that he is definitely present in my life.  Last night I had a situation with the car on the way home that circumstances prevented us ending up in the back country roads stranded (temporarily)...in the cold and dark.  Coincidence?  Perhaps.  I'm inclined to think the god of travelers was there helping us out. 

This feels more organic this time around. 

I'm also seeing a definite division between my magical practices and my religious practices.  Perhaps that's another area I had been making mistakes in. 

Also, while this latest brouhaha in the pagan community...that is, the reference to Wiccanate as a description for those practices that have a Wiccan "flavor" to them...has caused some battle lines to be drawn, in our household, we've found the term beneficial.  It has resolved a lot of issues for Zach and has explained a lot to me.  Although I do wish pagans would stop the pissing contests.  They're behaving much like the christians we had hoped to leave behind.

Life is good here...at least spiritually.  With Spring waking up we feel like we're coming back to life as well.

Order from chaos

I have the house torn apart trying to reconfigure my bedroom again, this time for the upcoming summer.  I have the window the air conditioner goes in blocked off and the way my room is situated, there is very little floor space as well.  It's a tiny room.  Originally, when this house was first built, this was a bedroom, then the original owners turned it into a living room but putting a couch in there was nearly impossible if you wanted any other furniture in there as well.

So when my knees went arthritic and the fibromyalgia became an impediment to climbing stairs many times a night, I moved into the living room and slept on the couch.  We bought a futon eventually and I would make up the bed every night but that became a huge burden as well with my arthritis and fibromyalgia.  So I just turned the futon into a bed all the time and the living room into a bedroom permanently.

Except when I feel guilty about not having a living room.  Then I try to make it convertible again.  It never works so I should just give in and let it be a bedroom all the time.

Which is what I'm working on now.

To be honest, the energy in there has been wrong ever since I tried to make it convertible.  I tried a few different approaches to it but nothing felt right so I'm working on putting it back the way I had it.  It's taking all day because I don't have the energy I used to have now that my heart refuses to work at capacity.  So I take frequent breaks and use Zach for the heavy stuff.  I have so far to go and it's nearly 5 p.m.  I'll be doing this at midnight when Tom gets home, I'm sure.

But another reason I need to do this is because I need room for spiritual things.  I like my altar being the focus of my room and not tucked away in a corner, which is where it is now.  I like looking at my altar, the pictures and even the statues, when I have them.  Not to mention having room to actually stand in front of the altar for ritual and prayer.  I don't even have that right now.

Well, back to work.  Unfortunately the room won't clean itself.