Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I'm not in love

The past couple of weeks have been some of the most stressful I've had lately.  And when you consider the amount of stress I live under daily, that's saying a lot.  We were holding our breaths to see if my husband was either going to lose his job altogether or just get a reduction in pay.  As it turned out, he still has the responsibilities although no longer has the title, has had a new job tacked onto it and still got a reduction in pay.  And now he's hourly so the hours count even more.  I fucking hate corporate America.

I won't get political here because here is where I talk through my spirituality but the stress I've endured lately has brought some spiritual questions to my mind.  The first being, why do I look to the Greeks when I'm under this kind of stress?  My first instincts were to set up altars and pray to them to get us through this instead of going to my heathen altar and talking to my heathen gods.  I think it might be because I've known them from my youth even if I never worshiped them until recently so I do know them better. 

It has got me to thinking though.  I'm not in love with any of them to be honest.  I've had my moments of deep affection for the gods from time to time but no lasting love and no real commitment.  When I was a Christian I did have a great deal of love for the gods there (and in my mind they are gods...not God.)  When I left that behind in bitterness and feelings of betrayal, I seem to have shut down my heart as well.  I can count on one hand the number of gods I've felt affection for since then, but I seem to shut down as soon as I realize that.
I'm not giving up on my heathen gods at all.  I think I just don't know them well enough yet.  And that it totally my fault.  I haven't allowed myself to move in that direction so far.  When the stress becomes overwhelming I shut down altogether and don't reach out to anyone, human or divine.  It stays inside me.

I do want to be in love.  I don't think I knew that until very recently.  Maybe I didn't even want to be in love until recently.  So now it's time to start building relationships with the gods.  The heathen gods.  It's not that I don't like the Greeks; I still have a great deal of fondness for them, but I still don't think we're a good fit.  And I do think the heathen gods are. But I won't know that for sure until I get to know them. 

Right now, getting to know them is my priority...not worrying about proper rituals, tools or language.  Just getting to know them.  And letting them get to know me.  I'll worry about the rest of it later.  It's time I focused on opening up instead of shutting down.  I'll let you know how it goes from there.


  1. Love isn't cultivated from comes to us when we least expect it, aren't searching for it and love ourselves.

    1. Sigh...I know and yet I want that feeling back again. I miss it.

    2. Well, you could always throw yourself into a mental breakdown. They always seem to bring me some form of enlightenment ; )

    3. LOL! Do you have to schedule those or do they just come naturally?

  2. All natural baby! Just like the rest of me :)