Monday, May 2, 2011

Not out of that closet yet

No, I didn't come out today.  I'm out to some people but as long as my parents are alive, I'll remain in the broom closet to the rest of the family.  Part of it out of fear of confrontation, but mostly because I genuinely don't want to hurt my parents.  The thought of them worrying about my immortal soul until the day they die fills me with angst and sorrow.  Should it come out, I won't lie, but I'm not going to announce it to them.

I got a camera for Beltaine this year instead of Mother's Day so I plan on taking more pictures for both blogs, hopefully making them both more interesting.  Hoping to get a picture of my altars tomorrow.  I only have three in the house and haven't set up my outdoor altar yet but I'll get there.  I did have a ritual of sorts.  I started the one I had picked out and it just didn't feel right so I just sat a chair in front of my altar (been in pain lately so standing isn't comfortable) and sat there looking at my candles, meditating on the meaning of the festival and just talked with the god/desses.   I did some minor rituals that had to do with consecrating and cleansing some tools but mostly I just sat there pondering the mysteries of it all.  It was nice.  Not magickal, not exciting, but nice.  I think I needed nice more than I needed anything exciting. 

I got my books out looking at my old notes and seeing where I am now in relation to where I was when I wrote them and I'm amazed at how far I've come along.  I feel stronger spiritually, I'm much more comfortable with my path...with very few doubts or second thoughts at all...and I'm, dare I say it, happy.  That's a long way from this time last year.

I'm very drawn to honing my homemaking skills, simplifying my life and finding that artistic niche that I need to hide in for a while.  Last night during my nightly ritual, I felt the pull of Cerridwen, although I acknowledge her every night.  This felt different.  In my notes today I saw that I had written that she was the keeper of the cauldron, the one who directs awen.  And that's the direction I have been feeling I needed to pursue lately.  I still feel a need to delve deeply into that aspect of Paganism that calls me and I feel awen is the key to finding that depth.  I love how it all comes together.  No coincidence.  No manipulation from a deity.  Just walking along the path and noticing the signs along the way.  It's so simple it ought to be obvious.  But I'm just glad I was able to see a few of the signs. 

I got some fleece today in the mail to wash and card and when I've plied my Welsh top (after dyeing it) then I'll be ready to spin the Shetland wool.  I'm so excited about it.  I love this aspect of my crafting, creating things from the most rustic stages.  I just wish I could own some sheep.  Darned zoning laws!

Well, I still have chores to do and while I'm aching and so tired, I'm getting more done today than I have in the course of a day in a long, long time.  I just hope I can build back up to where I'm productive again.  I should appeal to Brighid tonight during ritual.  I'm beginning to feel that connection with her again.  I am still at a stage when I don't like to ask the god/desses for any favors.  It still feels too much like the prayers I was taught as a Christian and feels very whiny and grovel-ish.  I'm still trying to stand on my own two feet and feel like I need to fix myself instead of relying on some divinity to do it for me.  But I will admit that just talking to Brighid about it makes me better.  Not asking for help.  Just talking about it.



  1. I'm really glad for you that you are happier nowadays. More at peace.

  2. Thanks, Tana. It sure is good to have that millstone of guilt gone so if I don't have ritual or prayers at night, it's no big deal. And yet, I find the god/desses on my mind all the time. What a contrast to forcing myself to think about Jesus all the time before.