Argh!

I lost my last entry thanks to blogger going apeshit and don't have the energy to recreate it.  Or the memory for that matter.

But it had to do with feeling better now that I can get outdoors and renew my connection with Nature.  And how comfortable I am on my path not it isn't so narrowly defined.

Debra commented about how lovely it was to go outside now that the weather is nicer and I was going to agree before I lost my post.  So I'll agree now.  If I find it again, I'll post it.  I found a deleted post on my mundane blog.

At any rate, I'm feeling pretty darned good lately about my spirituality, aside from needing to spend more time on it and less time on politics.  I'm working on finding balance there.  Now if the asshats will just stop trying to turn this into a Christian theocracy or a Christian dictatorship, I can stop reading the news like a hawk.

ETA:  and it's back!  

So this is what contentment feels like

I'm making progress...at times baby steps, other times gargantuan leaps.  Okay, maybe not leaps...more like bunny hops.  But I'm getting there.

I did some work on my bedroom: organizing, simplifying, cleaning.  I took back the nightstand that was my altar and put it back as a nightstand and used the coffee table for the altar.  It's much lower but I can sit on the floor and attend it instead of standing.  Standing, for me, is painful after a few minutes so the bulk of my ritual time is spent waiting for it to be over.  Not a good attitude.  Now I'm comfortable on the floor and spend much more time attending the deities.  Meditating is getting easier, too. 

I'm learning new mantras for my spirit beads that Tana so lovingly sent me.  I always hold the beads when praying or during ritual, wrapping them around my wrist and carrying the ends through my fingers.  It's amazing how much energy they give off at times.  They're made of jasper, which seems to be very good at that sort of thing.  I did a brief mantra last night (although for the life of me I can't remember what it was) and felt pretty good afterward.

Another benefit to having the altar lower, is I can sit in front of my candles and read.  I've discovered that I'm learning more by reading about different aspects of Paganism, like Druidry, Wicca, meditation, etc, rather than reading about how to do the rituals and such.  Writing my own prayers and rituals is so much easier when I have the knowledge of the god/desses instead of doing what others have already done.  So I started a new Book of Shadows/Spirituality last night with my rituals in them.  I have another spiral book I use for prayers.  It's smaller and fits inside my purse, plus I have my Book of Pagan Prayers from Ceisiwr Serith.  I love the prayers in there, in addition to the information about deities and prayer.

Also, now that I'm outdoors more, I'm feeling more connected with Nature and the elements.  We got most of the yard mowed yesterday so I'm hoping to set up the faerie garden and move my altar this week some time.  There is a lecture on the history of the Indian mounds at the library this Saturday so I might go to that as well.  I plan on spending more time at the mounds this summer, honoring the ancestors and connecting with whichever god/dess is calling me there. 

Although I still feel pulled in a very Druid direction, I don't feel locked into any one path.  I still have a great deal of affection for the Greek Deities and have been known to call upon one of them during my evening prayer time.  It's never intentional, but never accidental either. 

I am still mesmerized by the eagles, who have grown so much.  I've been learning a lot about eagles as I watch them grow.  I love the way the parents pair bond, the way they call to each other, the way the male rushed to the nest to protect the female and the baby eaglets from an owl.   I've seen other cams set up but none have the sound and visual capabilities as this one does.  This is such a great way to learn about nature that I want to find other sources similar to this, even if it's documentary form.  I know PBS has Nature and I can probably get old episodes from the library.

Well, off to fix supper and then head off to my bedroom for knitting and tv watching.  I've been turning the tv off around 10 p.m. and having ritual or prayer, reading a bit, meditating a bit.  For some reason that time of night is quiet and soothing for me.  If I wait until later, I'll fall asleep.  Earlier and my mind won't shut off.  Odd how that works out.

BB

The necessary thing

On the way to town today I saw a beautiful red-tailed hawk being chased by some smaller birds.  They banded together to chase this predator out of their area.  I love that even though I dearly love red-tailed hawks.  Nature has a way of working everything out.

Not so us.  I'm not jubilant over the death of Osama bin Ladin.  I can't remember the last time I cheered another human being's death, but I'm sure I have in the past.  That doesn't mean, however, that I believe what happened to him was wrong.  I'm not going to second-guess the guys who put their lives on the line to go into his mansion and take him out, knowing that place was probably an arsenal.  Could they have taken him alive?  Obviously not.  Arresting him in his home isn't the same as getting him back to safe territory without being ambushed and slaughtered by bin Ladin's followers.

I'm reminded of a Babylon 5 episode where a doctor was using an alien machine that took energy from her body to cure other people's illnesses.  She and her daughter are held hostage by an escaped killer who makes her use the machine on him to fix his gunshot wounds.  When it was obvious to her that he was going to kill both her and her daughter when he was "fixed" she reversed the machine and drained all of his energy instead, killing him.  At the tribunal afterward, she was acquitted, although the machine was confiscated.  The security chief turns to her and says, "You did the right thing."  She shakes her head and says, "I did the necessary thing.  The necessary thing isn't always the right thing."

That's how I feel about all of this.  It was a necessary thing.  It may not have been the right thing, but given the alternatives, it was the necessary thing.  Whether people cheered or felt sadness is completely a personal reaction that I have neither the desire or the right to judge.

All I know is that these brave Navy Seals went in and did a job that will forever be embossed in their memories for good or ill and we shouldn't ever diminish them by second-guessing the job they had to do.

BB

Happy Star Wars Day!

May the fourth be with you!  (Yes, I stole this from my other blog.)

I'm still working on figuring out the camera so no pictures yet.  Maybe by Friday.  It would have been a good day with all the sunshine but I got involved in errands, laundry and other mundane stuff.

I'm still lagging behind on studying the things I'd like to learn more about.  I sometimes just make it through the day so I'm not going to beat myself up over it, but there are times when I make choices that aren't healthy for me physically or spiritually and that sets me back a bit.  Still...not beating myself up over it.  I'm just going to move on and try to do better next time.

Hopefully once I get the hang of my new camera, I'll get out more, if for no other reason than to just take some pictures of Nature in all her glory.  Plus I need to get out and take more care of the faerie garden.  I decided to keep it as that instead of a grove, mostly because mowing would be a bitch.  I'm nothing if not practical.  Plus, I need to connect with the rare ones as I've been experiencing some bizarre mischievousness around the house of late:  Professor's lead taken off the post and lying in the middle of the porch...twice.  Lights turned on that I know were turned off.  At first I thought it might be our neighbor since some of this started when  he moved next door, but there was absolutely no reason for him to do it.  We've been nothing but nice to him and he's a pretty private guy, which we absolutely respect.  Some of it has happened when he wasn't home.  And if a person had been on my front porch, Professor would have gone ape-shit...and he didn't.

I think it's the fey.  I don't think I properly rewarded them for returning the car keys last summer.  I left out some jewelry, which they didn't take, when I should have left them milk and honey or something along those lines.  I'm going to try to make up with them and see if we can't co-exist in peace.  I don't need any more mischief!

I'm getting ready to dye the yarn I spun into singles before I ply them.  Maybe I'll do that Friday instead of using up gas to go to town.  And I just got my pound of fleece to scour and card before I spin it.  I love doing these things.  I feel so close to the god/desses when I'm crafting.  Especially when I get as close to the beginning of the project as I can.  But no, I can't have my own sheep, darn it!  Still, I think I will go to the Wisconsin Sheep & Wool Festival this fall, though.  I can pick up a whole fleece there and not have to pay postage.

One thing I've really got to get back to is taking better care of my home environmentally.  I don't recycle as well as I should, although it's much better than it used to be.  Still, I could go the extra mile.  I can't afford the green cleaners but I make my own laundry soap and don't buy the fancy cleaners out there.  I just use the basics...like vinegar and ammonia.  Although not together! 

Plus I need to get this place really cleaned out and smudged.  I think there is a negative air about the place that has been here since we moved in.  Seriously it's almost like we're under a curse.  I've looked up several spells and things to do about it and all involve getting the shit cleaned up first so I should take that step and then worry about the negativity.  Because I'm pretty sure clutter and dirt can't produce positive energy.

Well, time to finish up supper and the laundry and then move on to my knitting and crocheting.  I finally found a pattern for an afghan for Zach.

BB

Not out of that closet yet

No, I didn't come out today.  I'm out to some people but as long as my parents are alive, I'll remain in the broom closet to the rest of the family.  Part of it out of fear of confrontation, but mostly because I genuinely don't want to hurt my parents.  The thought of them worrying about my immortal soul until the day they die fills me with angst and sorrow.  Should it come out, I won't lie, but I'm not going to announce it to them.

I got a camera for Beltaine this year instead of Mother's Day so I plan on taking more pictures for both blogs, hopefully making them both more interesting.  Hoping to get a picture of my altars tomorrow.  I only have three in the house and haven't set up my outdoor altar yet but I'll get there.  I did have a ritual of sorts.  I started the one I had picked out and it just didn't feel right so I just sat a chair in front of my altar (been in pain lately so standing isn't comfortable) and sat there looking at my candles, meditating on the meaning of the festival and just talked with the god/desses.   I did some minor rituals that had to do with consecrating and cleansing some tools but mostly I just sat there pondering the mysteries of it all.  It was nice.  Not magickal, not exciting, but nice.  I think I needed nice more than I needed anything exciting. 

I got my books out looking at my old notes and seeing where I am now in relation to where I was when I wrote them and I'm amazed at how far I've come along.  I feel stronger spiritually, I'm much more comfortable with my path...with very few doubts or second thoughts at all...and I'm, dare I say it, happy.  That's a long way from this time last year.

I'm very drawn to honing my homemaking skills, simplifying my life and finding that artistic niche that I need to hide in for a while.  Last night during my nightly ritual, I felt the pull of Cerridwen, although I acknowledge her every night.  This felt different.  In my notes today I saw that I had written that she was the keeper of the cauldron, the one who directs awen.  And that's the direction I have been feeling I needed to pursue lately.  I still feel a need to delve deeply into that aspect of Paganism that calls me and I feel awen is the key to finding that depth.  I love how it all comes together.  No coincidence.  No manipulation from a deity.  Just walking along the path and noticing the signs along the way.  It's so simple it ought to be obvious.  But I'm just glad I was able to see a few of the signs. 

I got some fleece today in the mail to wash and card and when I've plied my Welsh top (after dyeing it) then I'll be ready to spin the Shetland wool.  I'm so excited about it.  I love this aspect of my crafting, creating things from the most rustic stages.  I just wish I could own some sheep.  Darned zoning laws!

Well, I still have chores to do and while I'm aching and so tired, I'm getting more done today than I have in the course of a day in a long, long time.  I just hope I can build back up to where I'm productive again.  I should appeal to Brighid tonight during ritual.  I'm beginning to feel that connection with her again.  I am still at a stage when I don't like to ask the god/desses for any favors.  It still feels too much like the prayers I was taught as a Christian and feels very whiny and grovel-ish.  I'm still trying to stand on my own two feet and feel like I need to fix myself instead of relying on some divinity to do it for me.  But I will admit that just talking to Brighid about it makes me better.  Not asking for help.  Just talking about it.

BB