This, that, and the other

I'm feeling a bit rambly today...thoughts running though my head.  I'm not focused on a particular subject but my mind is full of all kinds of thoughts and word seeds. Might as well plant them here.

I don't capitalize the word god or the word pagan (most of the time).  I spent a half century capitalizing the christian god's name...which was just god...and capitalizing all pronouns and such because of christian privilege.  I just won't do it anymore.  I've seen it popping up more and more lately on pagan blogs, where the pronouns are being capitalized.  While I'm not one to insist people do things my way, I also reserve the right to be creeped out by it.  It seems a bit along the lines of christian wannabe shit.  I'm sure the people doing it aren't thinking along those lines but are merely honoring their deities the way they believe they should, but I'm still healing from the shit I had to deal with for over 50 years.  I'm going to feel that way.

I've got nearly all the deities up on the wall above my altar now.  Just pictures off the internet in cheap plastic frames, but I like it.  I like how it focuses my mind when I pray.  While statues would be icing on the cake, they're expensive and too big for my altar.  I had a few when I was on the Norse path but again...expensive and didn't leave me any room for anything else on my altar.  Now that I am honoring many more gods, this works better for me.  I have some decals of the gods but I like the pictures better.  Maybe Tuesday I'll take some pictures.  Tomorrow I have errands to run and bills to pay and tons of other stuff that needs doing.

I don't really have one particular god who is all-important to me, any moreso than the others, that is. I do love some more than others, but I haven't felt a pull in any one direction.  I love too many of them to single out just one or two.  I think part of my problem in finding my direction has been seeing what others do and thinking that's what I needed to do, too.  Maybe someday I'll have that intimate relationship with one or two gods, but honestly, I haven't felt that way since leaving christianity.  No reason why I should have to.

I'm looking forward to spring when I can get out and work in my yard, when I can get to the car without slipping and sliding or wading through knee-deep snow.  I used to love winter but this year has been particularly hard on me.  Not sure why although the sub-zero temps were definitely a factor.  That and the higher-than-normal heating bills.  But oddly I feel more nature-oriented on the Greek path than I did on the Norse path.  Initially I did have a problem finding nature while worshiping the Greeks but I feel a connection with Pan and the nature spirits now that I didn't feel last time around.  Or maybe it's just my longing for shirt-sleeve weather.

Zach's path has diverted as well.  He has also gone back to his first love:  eclectic witchcraft (non-Wiccan).  Odd how we often end up back where we started.  Even though many who worship the Greek gods believe that magic is hubris to the gods, I'm not one of them.  So I do intend to continue my work and study of magic.  Which puts Zach and me again on similar paths, studying together just like we used to.

I'm getting more and more excited about walking this path.  Or maybe that's just the promise of spring as well.  Who knows?  At any rate, the Greeks do inspire me more than any other deities I've honored.  I feel more creative, more aware of myself and my environment and more familiar with the deities I worship.

I hope this works out.  I do get tired of finding a path only to lose sight of the road ahead of me.

A god dream

Changes are happening here...again.  I don't feel bad about it anymore, now that I've seen people who have been settled for years in their path finding that their path has veered in another direction only to veer back.  It's the journey, after all...not the destination.

It was hard for me to articulate the problem.  I didn't want to post about my path, didn't want to study it much and was bored to tears with the mythology.  Still I feel an affection for the Norse gods and have statues on the top of my entertainment center in my bedroom where I can see them.

But the Greeks have always been my first love and I think I have to stay with them.

I have never had a god dream.  I've had dreams about animals before and thought that might be about the gods but it was never clear that it was.  This one,  however, was about the gods and no mistake about it.  In the course of the dream I told Zeus off and told him I was tired of the gods toying with me, playing with my emotions.  His eyes flashed but then he chuckled and took off to Olympus.  I still don't know what the dream means but it has stayed with me for weeks.  I tried resisting returning to the Greeks but I just got worn down.

I love them.  I don't just have affection for them; I love them.  I'm excited about them.  I want to learn everything I can about them.

And more importantly...I know them.  They aren't strangers I'm trying to get to know.  Certainly I don't know everything about them.  Or even most things about them, but I have known them since I was in early elementary school.   

That doesn't mean, however, that I'm going to dive into reconstructionism.  I tend to believe that, as I said before, the gods didn't stop doing things when the mythologies stopped being written.  I think stuff goes on and while I can respect what the ancients did, I'm not an ancient.  I think the gods have moved on just as civilization has.  The things from the past that are good and helpful I'll keep.  The things that are oppressive, I'll discard.

But tonight I'm going to light my candles & incense and utter a few prayers and go to bed.  The past few weeks have been a blur of activity and errands and I'm finally done with appointments and hopefully all those errands.  I want to organize my house and my thoughts and concentrate on writing more.  Not to mention the knitting that hasn't been getting done.

So...here I am, a Hellenic pagan/polytheist, feeling the love again.  It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Trying to organize my thoughts

I am still here.  Dealing with post-holiday depression among other things, but mostly trying to organize my thoughts enough to write coherently instead of babbling.  Although babbling is what I do best.

I'm still very much on the same path.  I think this is something of a record.  Toward the end of last year, I was faced with some incredibly hurtful things out there on the internet that weren't directed toward me at all.  But still pretty painful.  Mostly by people I would deem rigorists in their beliefs.  Those who think there is only one way to think about things.

It was hard watching Teo Bishop's journey in his last months as a pagan.  I had told Zach way back in 2012 that he was going back to Christianity so it wasn't a surprise that he did.  It was simply that he wasn't done with it yet.  He still had those longings for the ritual and the community and the...well, privilege that exists within that world.  I know because I had similar feelings.  I never missed the deity the way he did though and I think that's why when he made that change in his life, it triggered a definitive decision on mine that I could never go back.  Although I do think he won't be happy with that path either.  But I could be wrong.

But the hate-mongering that went on toward him really disappointed me.  I had discovered long ago that pagans aren't really different from Christians in their attitudes.  Not really.  I nearly left paganism initially when I saw the rigorists that existed within this group.  I hung on because I had nothing else.  I couldn't go back to Christianity because I no longer believed in Jesus.  I don't even believe that he ever existed.  Most likely he is a compilation of many different messianic characters from that era, when you couldn't throw a rock without hitting a messiah, they were so numerous.

Still, it was bothersome that there were people within paganism that were as hateful and mean-spirited as the religion I left behind.  I felt abandoned by my new "community."  Until I realized it wasn't a community at all.  My attempts at joining up with other pagans in the area ended when I merely disagreed with someone in an online group..didn't get in a rage...simply disagreed...and was ripped a new one by the moderator for not letting her handle it.  She didn't like it that I said something to a friend on facebook, without mentioning her name at all.  She went there and bitched me up one side and down another because I didn't bow to her authority on the local group.  There was an obvious power struggle going on within this group and as that was the only group I knew of in my local area, I was pretty much shut out.  As this power-hungry person is in charge of the Pagan Pride thing, I'm pretty much shut out of that community as well.

That was years ago, but still...way to shut down someone new to the path.

I've pretty much decided my path is solitary because there is no real community out there.  I know that I suffer from social anxiety and it's hard for me to interact with people, even online, but I'm not inclined to get involved in a group that has "all" the answers and won't let me find my own way.  It took me a long time to find this path.  I'm certainly not going to let someone else tell me what my path entails.

I've been reading a lot about the Norse/Anglo Saxon gods in blogs and in books.  I've read that you can't combine the paths because they are too different and not to be merged.  Too bad.  I'm merging them because it's the path I've chosen and the path that I was drawn to.  I've read that you can't wear certain symbols because they mean something specific and it's "dangerous" to wear them if you haven't committed to that deity or if you're the wrong gender.  I've read that the gods are "dangerous" and not to be trifled with and if you can't dot your i's and cross your t's then your life can be a living hell.

Too fucking bad.

Quite frankly I don't get how the myths are still the main way we "know" the gods when the myths were written by men ages ago and not always by the same cultures of men.  And why do we no longer view the gods as still having adventures and things going on in their lives?  Why do we only see them as men saw them in the past?

I'm absolutely not about to charge in and devise a new religion.  But I'm also going to get to know the gods and rely on that more than I do old words written (and revised by Christian monks) ages ago.  I believe the gods change with the times, as they did back in ancient times.  I know there are people out there who hate the thought of someone seeing the gods in a different way from the way they see them.  For some reason they feel threatened by that.  Again...too fucking bad.

I don't see the gods as fluffy kittens and rainbows by any stretch of the imagination.  They're not my buddies and they're not going to relate to me on an equal level.  They can be frightening at times.  But they're not dangerous.  I lived with that kind of thinking for 50 years as a Christian...a god who "loved" me so much he killed his own kid and then sends people who don't love him back to hell for all eternity to endure torture and torment.  Yeah...not going to worship any god who thinks punishing me is for my own good.  Just not going to do it.

I'm totally going to respect the Eddas and the old writings but I'm basing my knowledge of the gods on who they are to me.  It's what we do in any real-life relationship, isn't it?  We don't base our relationships on what other people tell us about the person in our lives.  We base it on our relationship with them.

It's pretty obvious I still don't have my thoughts organized and ended up just babbling anyway.  Maybe next time I'll be better at getting my thoughts out there.  Fibromyalgia does mess with my concentration so it's hard sometimes to get it all out there.

Still, thanks for reading.  I hope to be more faithful about posting.

I'm back!

I honestly didn't expect to keep the blog but with my situation changed and my footing on solid ground, I feel comfortable writing about it now.  There were a lot of things that contributed to finally finding my path, including the infamous return to Christianity by a well-known Pagan blogger.  I can't explain fully how that solidified my choices but it did.

At the time I was finding myself wooed and accepted by the Saxon/Norse gods, my son also found himself having the same experience. Almost identical, in fact.  There were just too many coincidences, signs and portents and blatant interactions to ignore that this is where I belong.  And where he belongs.

I plan on writing at least twice weekly...at least that's my goal.  Maybe more if I can, but I'd rather have substance in my posts than just write to fill in the days of the week.  I got a really nice camera for Christmas so I plan on more pictures as well.  Especially my altar with the beautiful new statues on it.  With Zach's permission I'll post pictures of his shrine as well.

I've discovered that ritual isn't necessarily something formal or fussy.  And that my path is totally my own.  I'm avoiding those places that don't represent the faces of the gods I worship and those people who think this is some kind of paramilitary religion.

After all, Ing is a god of peace.

Happy New Year to everyone and may it bring all the blessings you could hope for!

Pondering

So sorry for not posting lately.  I'm going to take some time off from blogging and decide whether I want to continue or not.  I probably will but I need the freedom to think otherwise.  I'll be back after the first of the year.  Have happy holidays, everyone!!

My Samhain altar

Ignore the time stamp.  It's way off and I can't figure out how to get rid of it.

We had a really nice Samhain ritual, the best I've ever experienced, to be honest.  There was a lot of energy present and Zach and I both ended up with a clear sense of direction.  For once.  And we're still on track, on the path we committed to.  I must say that the commitment has helped keep us where we are.  I never knew that the simple act of committing was so significant to keeping one on target.

I've done some studying lately but still not much compared to what I used to do.  I'm still very much focused on the practical aspects of paganism, rather than the esoteric.  Not that I'm not interested, but for now, I need that stabilizing aspect of practicality to keep me focused for now.

We had a light dusting of snow this morning.  It's pretty but I really wasn't ready for snow yet.  We spent the afternoon raking the leaves and putting things away in the garage.  I had Zach refill the bird feeders yesterday, knowing the snow was predicted for today.  I'll toss out some corn for the squirrels and chipmunks tomorrow.  I finally turned the heat on last week for a couple of days.  Didn't need it yesterday.  The new front door has helped so much in keeping the house warmer and since we don't keep it terribly warm in here, we keep our expenses down a bit.  I still must find a way to cut back at least $300 more out of the budget, thanks to a pay cut last spring when they moved Tom to a machine instead of being foreman.  We had overtime for a while but that's gone for now.  Maybe forever.  And no pay raise this year or bonus either.

My older son is in a really dark place right now and I'm not sure what I can do to help him.  I gave him some hard truths last night and he hung up on me but feeding the darkness wasn't the right thing to do.  I worry about him.  I'm not sure how I feel about doing magic without the permission of the recipient.  On one hand it feels like taking away their free will but on the other hand, he has been swallowed up by this darkness and refuses to see that he needs help.  At the least I will light a candle and ask the gods to watch out for him.  For now I think that will have to be enough.

I love that it's getting darker sooner.  I must be connected to the night in some way because I have more energy in the winter and do much better at night than I do in the morning.  Might be why I prefer the moon to the sun.  But there is an aspect of the morning that does appeal to me as well.  The waking up of Nature, the rising sun.

Well, time to start supper.  I'm still fixing two meals because I'm still vegetarian.  I'm losing weight for now, but I only seem to be losing a couple of pounds a month in spite of eating only about 1200 calories a day and exercising 30 minutes.  It's frustrating.

The Practice of Being Pagan

I do mean to write more often but I'm not online as much anymore.  Except for today.  I think I have one day a week like this.

I'm still doing well on my path, probably because I'm focusing so much more on what I do instead of why I do it.  I'm not studying about the gods much or learning magic so much as I am just trying to do better each day.  Being greener, more responsible with the finances and putting crafts above the internet.  I feel more connected to the gods now by just living this path instead of studying it.  I do read once in a while, and I still have ritual every morning and evening, but I'm much busier being a Pagan by actually practicing it.  This really feels right.

I definitely feel a strong connection with Cernnunos and am so glad I got that statue.  I hope to get a statue for one of the goddesses around December.  It really helps me focus during prayer and ritual.  And I like to look over at the statue at night while knitting or reading.  And Brighid has become a part of my spiritual life as well.  I had so many problems with the Christianizing of her that I couldn't see her as pagan anymore but now, as I focus more on housework, crafting and things of that nature, she has become pretty important to me.  Cerridwen and Danu, as well.  The Dagda, Manannan mac Lir and Lugh have become part of my life, too.

I'm not reading the myths for now.  But I am learning that the myths aren't necessarily bad even though I feel like I have to sift out all the Christian interference.  Maybe later I'll read them, but for now, I'm just content with the magic and the practice of being pagan.  It works for me.