Had a bad night and didn't get any sleep so I've been dragging today in spite of getting a 2 hour nap. I'm still going to do the commitment ritual and the Samhain ritual but the pictures will have to wait until tomorrow. I'm barely making it and I still have supper to fix.
I can feel the thinning of the veil although I haven't sensed my mother. And maybe I won't tonight but it will be a night when I do reach out to her to talk about the things I couldn't broach when she was alive. The pain is still raw for me. I haven't been able to watch the funeral yet. I want to watch it tonight but I might wait until tomorrow afternoon instead. It's still inconceivable to me that she's dead. I wasn't able to go down for the funeral because of my illness; I was in the ER the day before the funeral and got my diagnosis of congestive heart failure the day after so traveling 10 hours in a car just wasn't possible. I hope tonight I'm able to come to terms with her death and accept it. As much as I hate the costs of funerals, they do provide that for people. Without them, there is a sense of just walking in place. No moving forward.
Yesterday, after Zach and I were driving home from shopping and errands, we were just chatting when I felt this incredible chill cover me, nearly overwhelming me. It was night and since I was watching the road and listening to Zach I didn't pay attention to where we were. We were just passing the cemetery that is out in the middle of the country, on our favorite route home. The energy was palpable. Shortly after that I felt it again, having gone back to listening to Zach, and realized I was adjacent to the Native American mounds that are also on the way home. I realized that I need to be more aware of my surroundings all the time and not just sleepwalk through life as I have been doing.
I'm not sure if I'm going to the knitting thing at the library. I found out today that there will be no more overtime for, well, maybe ever. And with no pay raises and no bonuses, money is less than we've had in the past several years. With money that extremely tight I'm trying to think of things I can do to cut our expenses to the bone. And with gas still high, at least in our neck of the woods it's only gone down pennies, driving to town will have to be more deliberate and less impulsive. Socializing just has to wait until we have money.
I've got to finish up the winterizing, too. The front storm door we put on is going to help immensely. During the cold spell we had a couple of weeks ago you couldn't feel the air rushing in through the door anymore and the foyer was much warmer. I won't have to block off the foyer this year, which means the inside door won't warp from the cold and moisture. I do love being more environmentally aware and responsible and I find frugality a challenge but during my medical issues, I wasn't able to take advantage of the extra money to make any kind of headway into cutting our bills. Now that I can, the overtime has dried up. I'll do my best but it does mean a lot of sacrifice in the future.
And that's something I have to look at as long-term and not just when times are this lean. Although I can't remember a time when things weren't lean. Sigh.
Well, I need to sit down and look at the ritual I'm using tonight and fine-tune it a bit and then start supper. I am feeling my physical limitations more and more each day, especially when I look at all that needs to be done in the house and how further behind I get every day.
I hope everyone has a blessed Samhain and I'm sorry for all the whining. I hate that about myself.
I can feel the thinning of the veil although I haven't sensed my mother. And maybe I won't tonight but it will be a night when I do reach out to her to talk about the things I couldn't broach when she was alive. The pain is still raw for me. I haven't been able to watch the funeral yet. I want to watch it tonight but I might wait until tomorrow afternoon instead. It's still inconceivable to me that she's dead. I wasn't able to go down for the funeral because of my illness; I was in the ER the day before the funeral and got my diagnosis of congestive heart failure the day after so traveling 10 hours in a car just wasn't possible. I hope tonight I'm able to come to terms with her death and accept it. As much as I hate the costs of funerals, they do provide that for people. Without them, there is a sense of just walking in place. No moving forward.
Yesterday, after Zach and I were driving home from shopping and errands, we were just chatting when I felt this incredible chill cover me, nearly overwhelming me. It was night and since I was watching the road and listening to Zach I didn't pay attention to where we were. We were just passing the cemetery that is out in the middle of the country, on our favorite route home. The energy was palpable. Shortly after that I felt it again, having gone back to listening to Zach, and realized I was adjacent to the Native American mounds that are also on the way home. I realized that I need to be more aware of my surroundings all the time and not just sleepwalk through life as I have been doing.
I'm not sure if I'm going to the knitting thing at the library. I found out today that there will be no more overtime for, well, maybe ever. And with no pay raises and no bonuses, money is less than we've had in the past several years. With money that extremely tight I'm trying to think of things I can do to cut our expenses to the bone. And with gas still high, at least in our neck of the woods it's only gone down pennies, driving to town will have to be more deliberate and less impulsive. Socializing just has to wait until we have money.
I've got to finish up the winterizing, too. The front storm door we put on is going to help immensely. During the cold spell we had a couple of weeks ago you couldn't feel the air rushing in through the door anymore and the foyer was much warmer. I won't have to block off the foyer this year, which means the inside door won't warp from the cold and moisture. I do love being more environmentally aware and responsible and I find frugality a challenge but during my medical issues, I wasn't able to take advantage of the extra money to make any kind of headway into cutting our bills. Now that I can, the overtime has dried up. I'll do my best but it does mean a lot of sacrifice in the future.
And that's something I have to look at as long-term and not just when times are this lean. Although I can't remember a time when things weren't lean. Sigh.
Well, I need to sit down and look at the ritual I'm using tonight and fine-tune it a bit and then start supper. I am feeling my physical limitations more and more each day, especially when I look at all that needs to be done in the house and how further behind I get every day.
I hope everyone has a blessed Samhain and I'm sorry for all the whining. I hate that about myself.
Hello there. I've just read your post and wanted to let you know that I'll be thinking of you and hope that all turns out well in your life, that you receive a surprise blessing in your life. I really do hope this for you, and it's okay to "whine". Sometimes you just need to let it out. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you very much. You gave me a boost I really needed right now. :)
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