Sunday, October 20, 2013

Community, or the lack thereof

Still here and still with the Greeks although I still wouldn't consider myself Hellenic or reconstructionist.  Just a happy Pagan with the Greeks as my primary pantheon.  The Egyptians are still visiting although mostly they hide in nooks and crannies, being very unobtrusive.  I don't worship them although I am learning about them.  They're quite content with that.

I've been very slowly cleaning, trying to catch up from six months of illness.  But I am realizing that I can't do as much as I feel like doing.  I have limitations that aren't always obvious so I need to keep myself from lifting too much and start taking more frequent breaks.  Eventually I'll be able to do more but never again as much as I used to do.  Sadly, the heart is damaged and while I can improve its function, it's never going to be able to handle all the physical activity I used to do.

But as I have a mountain of yarn to transform into projects, I can focus on that instead of the heartier tasks that someone else can do for me.

I'm still trying to find a source of community, which in a largely conservative, evangelical/fundamentalist area, isn't easy.  Everything here seems to revolve around church and while Zach and I really did consider going back to St. Mark's for the community I'm not sure I can go without feeling the obligation to become a Christian again.  In spite of not being able to believe anymore.  There is no doubt that the liturgy and ritual are amazing and I do miss it but the gods behind it...not so much.  I loved the people there but I'm just not sure it would be fair to them to go and participate as pagans.  Even though some of them would love us to be with them no matter what we believe, not all of them would.  They wouldn't ever say anything to us (at least the ones we knew before we left there) but it would make them unhappy.  And the new ones...I have no idea.  We still ponder it.  Just haven't decided to do anything about it yet.  I don't want to leave paganism behind but I miss having friends or at least a community.

But I'm not sure they would be a community anymore since that commonality is missing.  The priest just spent her sabbatical contemplating nature and there is that, their commitment to the environment and love of nature.  It's very much the bulk of my passion for paganism, but is it enough?  When we know for sure if I can attend without losing myself, we might go back.

But in the meantime, we're still very lonely.  I constantly look for things to attend or participate in but it's a largely rural area.  Madison is an hour away and not easy to navigate when you don't know where you're going.  And sometimes even when you do know where you're going.  I'd love to participate in some pagan events and gatherings there, but I'm a timid driver and can't handle a lot of traffic.  Everything is an hour away from here.  Madison, Milwaukee, Fond du Lac.  And with gas so high...

Samhain is coming soon.  I have a new firepit to use in our celebration of it.  If it isn't raining, which has happened a lot lately.  It's cold now and I can feel the bite of winter in the autumn wind.  The leaves are falling even though some of them haven't turned colors yet.   It's so bizarre to seem the green leaves falling off the trees.  I'm going to watch my mother's funeral on Samhain or The Day of the Dead. Not sure which.  Feeling a bit melancholy about it all, to be honest.  Not sure if I should attempt to contact my mother for Samhain or just let her be.  She wouldn't have approved of my spiritual path.  Not sure how she feels about it now.

In the meantime, I'm going to prepare for it and see what happens.

Time to get the storm windows on though so I'm off to get warmly dressed and get to it.

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