Ambition, motivation and growth

I'm not going to say that I have finally found my path...again, because every time I do that, within days I face a disconnect with the deities I feel drawn to worship.  So I will just say that I am very comfortable where I am and continue to grow closer and more grounded to the deities I feel called to.  I've been doing some reading on a daily basis and rituals are becoming more and more a part of my life.  Plus that energy connection I used to feel, I'm feeling again.  Very powerful stuff, indeed.

I'm also finding that if I ignore what other people think of the Norse gods, they become more real to me in their own way and not as a description of what others think they are.  They speak to me through Nature in a way I haven't experienced before, even with the Druid-ish path I was taking early on.  To me they are deeply connected to the roots of Erda and not the war mongerers some think they are.

Today Zach and I went to Palmatory Point here in town, an overlook of the marsh.  I haven't been there for years, sadly, and we enjoyed it so much that we plan to make it a weekly thing.  It's less than a mile from the house and hopefully we will build up our stamina to the degree that we can walk or ride our bikes there.  We live in a very hilly town so any bike traveling is hard when you're not in shape.  But the camera was dead so we couldn't take pictures.  Next time we go we'll have it charged up.  And take along Tom's binoculars.  Someone stole the telescope years ago so they never replaced it. :(

There is a trail there that we plan on using, too.  It will take a while to build up my stamina so I can walk past the woods into the marsh but I do plan on persevering and getting to the point where I can walk the entire marsh trail.  There are other trails, too, but they are out of town and they will be more for special occasions.  We're looking into volunteering for the Marsh groups and possibly DNR as well.  It's time to break out of our shells and connect with society as well as nature.

I need to focus more on being green as well.  I do recycle but I could do more, like hanging clothes out on the line instead of using the dryer.  And using less energy.  I don't need the fan on when I've got blankets on the bed.  I might like the way it feels but I don't need it.  Fewer trips to town and more walking to the convenience store instead of driving to the next town for milk.  We have no grocery store here in town so any shopping has to take place elsewhere, but milk is actually cheaper at Kwik Trip and we get our milk card punched which, when full, gives us a free gallon of gas.  Why do I not do that regularly instead of getting milk when I go to the store?  A little more effort but it's two blocks from here, although straight downhill there and straight uphill coming back.  And I mean a hill.

I've gotten complacent and need to get back into tightwaddery as well.  Living simply again, cooking from scratch, growing herbs and a garden next summer.  I have ambitions to do all this but no energy.  So I'm also focusing on eating healthier and spending more time outdoors.  I hope that will help.

For now, I have to get the clothes out on the line and fix supper.  A chicken stir fry for them and veg stir fry for me.   And knitting tonight, of course.  Tomorrow I plan on planting my herb garden on my new kitchen window sill and maybe growing some lettuce and celery indoors.  That way I can have salads year round.  With a nice southern exposure I shouldn't have any problem.  And the kitchen is the warmest place in the house.

BB

Early birthday

For some reason, my men decided to celebrate my birthday a week early so I got all my gifts yesterday.  I had asked Tom to make me a shelf in the kitchen window so I could keep my herbs there so he took the window sill out and put in a larger one.  It's perfect for growing herbs although I need to be careful with the wind because we get some strong winds here that have been known to knock lamps over and break them.

I also got some wool for knitting socks.  I have formerly used a wool/acrylic blend but the socks don't even last a full winter without getting holes so I asked for wool this year.  I started on a sock last night.

Then, to my utter surprise I got a Kindle.  I have mixed feelings about it since we didn't have the money for it and I'll have to be extra frugal with grocery shopping to pay for it but I have to admit that I love it.  I had some books I had gotten on Amazon.com for free but it's hard to read on the computer.  At least it's hard for me.  The books are all of a Pagan/Heathen perspective, including a book on the Eddas (though not the Eddas themselves) and one on Runes.  Herbs, witchcraft and Celtic history are the other books.  I can't wait to sit down and read them.

I'm still not reading enough to suit myself.  I've limited my time online quite a bit but most of the time not online has been spent running errands or knitting.  I did get my room squared away a bit and today am working on organizing my armoir and the kitchen but I'm not doing the reading I would like to be doing.  Part of it lack of concentration.  Although I'm sleeping again, my brain hasn't caught up yet so it's still a big sluggish and wandery.

And I'd like to get my altar ready for Autumn soon.  I have the stuff I need already but I just feel like other things should come first.  Like clean dishes and home-cooked meals.  I'll get to it soon though.  It's nice that I can celebrate the beginning of fall and my birthday all at once though so in spite of already having received my gifts, I'm still looking forward to my birthday/autumn.

It helps that today is flat out cold with temps in the low 50s.  I love it!

Knitting intentions

I've noticed lately how closely tied to spirituality my knitting is.  I often find myself knitting intentions into all I do, sometimes without a lot of conscious effort.  Lately I've been knitting baby clothes for charity and have often whispered in my mind "May he/she grow up strong, healthy and may they walk their own path and not be coerced into a path they did not choose."  I have done this especially with the baby sweater and blanket I am knitting for my cousin's soon-to-arrive grandson.  They are fundamentalists and I used to get a lot of emails from her spouting out lies about our current president and the godless liberal agenda.  How can I be godless when I have more gods than she does?

I'm not knitting intentions that will turn this child or any other child away from a path I wouldn't choose for myself.  I'm hoping to give them strength to choose their own, even if they choose the path of their parents.  I think if I had had a choice early on, I wouldn't have chosen Christianity. I not only never had the choice, but also the fear of what would happen if I ever left Christianity left me terrified into middle age and beyond.  That's not fair to children to indoctrinate them into a specific path and threaten them with eternal damnation if they ever left it.

I didn't use to think that way.  I thought that giving my son a Christian foundation would strengthen his faith and he would never leave it.  It's what they all think.  How it's irresponsible to let a child decide for himself because those early years are so critical.  You grow up believing that and pass that on to the next generation.  And so on.

I just hope my intentions give the children I knit for a chance to decide for themselves, even if they choose Christianity.  Because having no choice at all is a lot like slavery or prison.  At least it feels like that.

Blue Moon

It wasn't a long ritual, nor was it really good, but it was effective.  Zach and I started indoors and moved outside to finish.  We had to finish in the driveway between the car and the house because the moon was hidden from the area out behind the garage.  I thought we had waited late enough but apparently not.  It was cloudy but the moon was beautiful in the haze.

My tools and altar feel charged but my tarot cards hate me.  I know they do.  I got the meanest reading today anyone could possibly get, complete with the Devil card as my present circumstances.  I had suspected some animosity from the cards from the beginning.  Rider-Waite were the first cards I ever used and I had great success with them, but in rediscovering my fundamentalist Christian past (way back in my early 30s), I was advised to destroy the cards because they were Satanic.  So I did with great ritual.  I should have known not to try them again.  I've tried apologies and various cleansing rituals but they still hate me.  I'm giving up.  I'm not destroying them, nor am I giving them away.  They'll retain a prominent place in my room with great honor but I just can't use them anymore.

I'm not sure I want to continue with Tarot anymore but Zach has loaned me his cards, which I've had success with before.  If they still work for me, I might look into getting another set.  If not, I'll just figure this avenue of divination isn't the right one for me.

I've also been re-thinking my last post on organizing Paganism.  I still think trying to make it into an organized entity is the worst thing that could happen to it, but I do think that covens, groves and kindreds aren't necessarily a bad thing.  I'm still very content to be solitary.  In fact, I think a group would not work well for me at all.  But I think they do work for some people and should be given the respect they deserve.

Things are changing for me spiritually but I'm not ready to talk about it in full yet.  I can't deny certain callings, though, and sometimes I just have to yield to the will of the gods and see what happens.  But I've finally broken free from the rigid restrictions I had placed on myself when walking that path.  And feel quite free (with complete permission of the gods) to blend the cultures my ancestors lived in because they would have blended them, too.

BB