Stepping way outside my normal way of thinking

We had a short full moon ritual last night.  Winging it as I had no formal ritual to follow.  I thought it went well and so did Zach.

Still plugging along this eclectic path.  Not feeling overly excited about it but I think that's a good thing for now.  It feels normal, if that makes any sense.

Last night I put Bast on my altar but felt really uncomfortable doing that so I took her off only to realize she wanted on the altar but on the upper shelf, not below where I normally put my statues.  She's still there and it feels pretty right.  I've never seriously considered her before, mostly because my drawing has been toward European gods for the most part.  Now that I've opened up to any and all gods, I've discovered several out there who just want to stop in and say hi, including the spirits of some animals.

I've been drawn to the eagle for years, as well as the crow or raven.  Lately I've felt the wolf's presence as well and thought they might represent gods but now I'm not so sure.  I think they might just represent the spirits of the animals.  I did notice that our full moon ritual had some Native American influences.  I have a miniscule amount of NA ancestry but I never considered that path either, thinking my more European ancestors were more dominant.

I'm not sure where I'll end up, if I even end up anywhere, but I am discovering more about the environment around me, the aspects of Nature and the elements.  I seem to notice more about me, the influences of spirits and Nature on my life.

I also put a statue that has been identified as Frigg on my altar but I'm not so sure she is Frigg.  I definitely sense Persephone in that statue.  That might be why I never could connect well with Frigg when I was worshiping her in that representation.  I am learning that the gods manifest themselves as they choose and not how we perceive them.  The horned god is there as well.  I think of him as Cernnunos mostly but he might be every horned god out there.  I have no idea right now.

I really do believe that the pantheons are artificial constructs that we humans devised in order to define who our gods are.  Getting rid of the idea that the gods exist in distinctly narrow slots has really opened up the universe to me.

Insanity

I know it's insane to keep doing the same things over and over again and getting the same result so I've got to figure out just what it is I'm doing so I can affect a different outcome.  It's not that I don't love the Greek gods.  I do.  It's just that I'm not certain that they're all that different from the Norse or Celtic or Gaulish gods.  And pantheons are giving me a lot of grief.  Who really decides who is in a pantheon?  I mean, as people migrated, they took their gods with them, mingled them with the gods who were already there and new patheons rose up.

And mythologies?  Oh, dear.  That's my kryptonite.  Mythologies will turn me away from the particular gods I'm focused on quicker than anything.  I don't believe in them and yet since that's the only way we "know" the gods (before we get to "know" them) they seem to be an integral part of the whole shebang. 

So I figure I should take a break from the gods. Period. 

I'll figure out the spirituality first and then figure out the gods later.  This is hard for me because there is a void that I keep needing to fill where the gods are concerned, but as that seems to be the biggest problem for me, I think I should fill the void up with me rather than gods before I try to find gods to fill the emptiness inside of me.

It's time to take care of myself.  The gods will do fine on their own.

Doing it better this time around

I'm still doing well here so far aside from the debilitating fatigue and now my occasional sciatica acting up.  Spiritually, at least, I'm fine.  Physically it's like cascade failure.

I'm spending more time just contemplating the gods and meditating on them instead of reading about them.  This is working out very well for me.  I feel my relationships growing steadily instead of feeling like I'm battling an insurmountable obstacle.  While I haven't focused on a particular deity (I don't do patron gods) I've noticed that I'm not collecting rooster designs all over the place.  The rooster seems to represent Hermes and I can attest that he is definitely present in my life.  Last night I had a situation with the car on the way home that circumstances prevented us ending up in the back country roads stranded (temporarily)...in the cold and dark.  Coincidence?  Perhaps.  I'm inclined to think the god of travelers was there helping us out. 

This feels more organic this time around. 

I'm also seeing a definite division between my magical practices and my religious practices.  Perhaps that's another area I had been making mistakes in. 

Also, while this latest brouhaha in the pagan community...that is, the reference to Wiccanate as a description for those practices that have a Wiccan "flavor" to them...has caused some battle lines to be drawn, in our household, we've found the term beneficial.  It has resolved a lot of issues for Zach and has explained a lot to me.  Although I do wish pagans would stop the pissing contests.  They're behaving much like the christians we had hoped to leave behind.

Life is good here...at least spiritually.  With Spring waking up we feel like we're coming back to life as well.