Breaking up is hard to do

I had a bit of a spiritual turmoil this past weekend, leading me to the point of nearly throwing it all in and going back to church.  I'm really tired of never making that connection with the gods.  Getting started but never making inroads.  It's frustrating.

I couldn't do it though.  Couldn't go back to church.  I don't own a bible anymore so I thought I would go to the Christian bookstore to see if they had the one I was looking for.  They didn't.  They barely had any bibles at all.  But the whole time I was there I was so uncomfortable, feeling the negativity like it was physical.  I had to leave.

So we went to Walmart to do the rest of my shopping.  We always walk down the candle/incense aisle to see if there's anything new.  There was.  Someone had placed a six inch tall, free-standing cross in the midst of the incense.  Knowing fundies like I do, I'm almost positive...no, I am positive...that it was done in an attempt to "cleanse" the area from the pagans or anyone using incense for spiritual purposes.  And to "sanctify" it for their god.  I've never done anything like that myself, but I know of people who have.

That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me and I knew for certain that I couldn't go back there, even if the church were a liberal one with very loving people in it.  I just don't believe in their god.  Well, I believe that their chief god, Yahweh, exists, but I don't believe in Jesus, nor do I believe theirs is monotheism at all.  It's just an end run around the whole polytheism thing.

So what to do?  I'm not doing well with the Greeks.  Sure initially they come in and settle themselves and within a few weeks are aloof and uninterested in me, unresponsive to my efforts.  I don't ask for anything so it's not like I'm just using them.  It happens every time.

I've never really gotten to know the Norse/Anglo Saxon gods because of the affiliations of their followers.  I really hate the racist groups that claim them but there is also the group of men who are just militaristic and think of themselves as "warriors" and focus on the Viking era when the Norse were plundering, raping and pillaging.  They tend to be a bit misogynistic if you happen to sit in and listen to their bullshit.

I know they aren't even the majority, but they are vocal and alongside the racist groups it compiles too high a percentage for me.

Still, the gods aren't their followers.  If I can just divorce them from the idiots who worship them, maybe I can get to know them.  Not their reputations based on their followers.  Not an easy task for me.

First step is just getting to know them.  Nothing more.  No commitments.  No jumping in with both feet.  But also important is opening myself up to them.  I think I've spent way too much time building barriers to my heart because of the pain I endured from Christianity.  Maybe it's time to let the deities in and let them love me back.

I don't know if it will work or if I will get hurt again, but I'm lonely for the gods.  Maybe it's time to take a chance again.

Growing a backbone

I can't deny that the only gods I ever seem to connect with are the Greeks.  And I can't blame them for it not working out.  My biggest problem is that I place too much importance on how other people walk this path.  My path.  The path I am walking.  As if they have the right to tell me how to do it.  I know that the blame lies with me, with having had half a century of being told how to walk my path and believing that's the way it is done.  Because in Christianity they do tell you how to walk your path.  There are rules, you know.

And some pagans insist there are rules as well.  Or whatever they call themselves.  Most of the ones who insist on the rules also insist they aren't pagans so...whatever.

This is where I feel most at home, but on my path we don't have so many rules.  What we have are guidelines that can be used to aid us in our journey, in the way we worship our gods.

I'm not and never will be a reconstructionist or a revivalist.  I'm pretty content being a modern pagan.  And I do consider myself a pagan.  I saw a word in a book I read not too long ago about monotheism.  It's a fantastic book and when I remember the title, I'll share that with you.  But for now, I can't remember.  Anyway, the word the author used to describe rigid fundamentalists was "rigorist."  And it fits.  There are rigorists in all walks of life, even in paganism.  These are the people who think they're doing it right and if you're not doing the things they're doing, then you are insulting the gods.  Really, the gods don't give a shit.  Only the rigorists care.

I fell in love with the Greeks back in grade school and I don't think I ever fell out of love with them.  I understood that they weren't real (ha!) and that the people who worshiped them are now in hell because they were worshiping false gods instead of the ONE TRUE GOD.  So they were completely off limits to me.

But had I had options, I would have worshiped them, and I would have done it without knowing about any rules.  I would have offered them gifts and honored them and celebrated them.  In my own way.

And that's pretty much how things are going to be for me.  Not that I don't think I can learn from the ancients.  But that was then and this is now.  Certainly they were worshiped differently depending on the city, area, era.  And since I don't live in Greece or Athens, their holidays don't make a lot of sense for me.  I pretty much like the 8 festivals that most pagans celebrate, with the exception of the ones that are specific to Celtic deities.  I love the idea that the local holidays can be adapted to the Greek gods.

Now if I can just hold firm to my own ideology and maintain my resolve.  And not let what others say influence me. I need to stop reading the message boards where they get pissy over the right way to do things.  Just grow closer to the gods and learn from them what they want from me.

It really is just that easy.

Progress

Zach and I have been doing some studying together and I think it works out a lot better.  I like bouncing ideas off of him and responding to his ideas as well.  We're walking similar paths these days but during those times when we aren't, I think it will be just as interesting to study this way.  It's good.

I still haven't been focusing a lot on the gods as much as I am on Nature and magic.  Still, I do honor them nightly, although I have added the land spirits and the fae into my devotions as well.  It seems very right to do that.  I have a fondness for Cernunnos, although there is little written about him...which may actually be a good thing since I'm still not enthralled with the myths.  Lately I've been noticing Brigit.  I initially had a fondness for her but her "elevation" to sainthood turned me cold and I've pretty much shunned her ever since.  Thanks to the myths (yes those myths I don't love) I've seen another side of her, one that predates the Christian makeover.  She seems indomitable to me, overcoming the attempted eradication of her deity and remaining a favorite in spite of the church's efforts to turn her into something palatable for the "blessed."  I am learning to love her as the goddess she really is, not the "saint" she has been dressed up as.

My focus, though, is primarily on my health because it has to be for now.  I do look forward to some walks through the marsh or the mounds very soon.  I'm cleared for general housework now and can take longer walks as long as I'm not walking on hills and since we live near the top of a hill, everything around me is on a hill.  I need to see wildlife more than I need to see people's yards and houses though.

Today is a fatigue day, unfortunately so I think most of it will be spent in bed, napping and knitting.  It's what I do best these days.  Although my exercise levels are getting better every day and my eating plan has become a way of life.  Still struggling to find or make recipes that are fitting to my limitations but I'm feeling much better on a low-salt, low-fat vegetarian diet.

And now for a nap

Pondering

My focus has been on health lately so while I am still reading and studying things spiritual, my actions have been toward eating healthy and exercising.  Not so much time spent at my altar.  It may be that way for a while as I find the balance I need.

Still not sure about keeping the blog going.  I think in a lot of ways, the "honesty" I've been trying to exhibit here has been more like pressure to decide things one way or another.  In public.  And all the embarrassment that goes along with that.

If I do keep the blog going, things will be a lot different.  I do intend to be more private about things that should remain private.  Less angst.  More progress.  I hope.

We'll see.

And the bottom line is writing this because I need to write this.  Not writing to get hits or followers or to be "popular."  I also intend to focus a lot on crafts and such here as well as my spirituality since I do find them inherently connected.

So I'm still thinking and still pondering where I'm going with this blog.

Also, I'm thinking of giving up facebook since it's such a time waster for me and sucks me into a political vortex I can't seem to get out of.

So...still here for now.  Still on the Celtic/Druid path...for now.  Still working things out...forever.