Getting back to normal...ish

Whenever I request books at the library they always seem to come in at once, even if I request them weeks apart.  So I now have a large selection of books to read, some of them Druid, most of them fiction of various sorts.  I'm reading again and it feels so good to use my brain that way.  And that I can read the Druid books is even better.  I've got The Book of Druidry by Ross Nichols.  I've only been reading the forward by Phillip Carr-Gomm so far but that alone is fascinating.  I've also got a book on Celtic mythology and another one about the gods waiting for me at the library.  I had to go there 3 days in a row to pick stuff up so I just refused to do it today.  I'm cleaning house today because the dust levels are knee deep.  Okay I exaggerate.  Only ankle deep.

I had to stop though as I started panting a bit.  I'll finish up the dining room tomorrow.  Already I've accomplished a lot, using Zach's manly muscles for the lifting and moving of furniture.  I've just been organizing and throwing stuff away.  Still, it involved movement and apparently I'm not ready for a lot of that yet.  He'll be doing the vacuuming after supper.  I don't think I'm up for that yet either.

We decided not to do the vegetable garden this year because I haven't started any seedlings yet.  We're going to focus on tidying up the yard and planting flowers and bushes and such.  I'd like to attract some bees this year for next year's garden.  Plus I think we need the aesthetics this year to make ourselves feel more connected to the Nature that lives in our yard.  I plan to spend a lot of time outside this summer and I hope some of it can be enjoyed in our yard.  The mosquitoes will decide how much, though.  They get very bad here.  Swarms of them, bad.

I'm not making a lot of plans for the summer since I don't know what is going to happen to me yet but I do hope to make it to Circle Sanctuary over Memorial Day weekend.  Tom is taking some vacation days so we don't have to travel on the weekend portion when everyone else is out there.  We might also look at some paranormal sights within driving distance, too.  I'd like to do some investigating on a very low level.  One of the other books I got from the library is about the paranormal sights in the next county over from us.  Well within driving distance.

I also need to get busy writing and working on my crafts since it looks like we'll be going ahead with our business.  It's mostly catering to the Pagan crowd but there will be things of a generic type.  I haven't organized any kind of a future inventory yet but I hope to get around to that once I've got the house in better shape.  It's been months since I was able to clean and while the guys kept the dishes done and the bathroom within health standards, nothing else got done so there is a ton of dusting and vacuuming to do.  Not that I'm doing all that, mind you.  But I am directing it.

I think tonight will be a lot more reading than knitting since I'm in the mood.  But now I need to start supper for the guys and for me.  Mine is pretty simple and theirs is just a one pot meal so it's not so difficult.  I can read in between cooking.

Spiritually refreshed

With all the intensity involving my health lately, my spiritual practices have been put aside, which definitely affects me adversely.  I have missed ritual, connecting with deity and even studying spiritual things.  I got a book from the library called The Mist-filled Path but my concentration levels have me only skimming the pages.  I'm reading fiction as well:  The Iron Druid series my son loves so passionately.  Even that requires a lot of concentration I don't seem to have.

So last night I made the effort to turn off the tv and concentrate on my altar and the gods/goddesses for a bit.  It was worth it.  I found the connection I had lost and felt so spiritually refreshed afterward.  I didn't do much more than a few ritual-like things...lighting candles and incense, sprinkling kosher salt on the altar as well as sanctified water and some prayer time.  Cernunnos has always felt warm and inviting to me so I made the effort to spend some time talking to him as well as Danu who has become very much a mother to me.  I made gestures to other deities as well, mostly of the Celtic/Welsh/Irish persuasion.  They felt inviting as well.

But the big thing for me last night was connecting with my mother beyond the veil.  I hadn't tried before for reasons that aren't really known to me.  I suppose part of it was not actually accepting her death fully but part of it might have been the nature of our relationship while she was living.  I still hear her voice in my head criticizing me whenever I do something I know she wouldn't approve of, like wearing my hair long or coloring it or spending time with my dog.  For some reason she chose to ridicule me when my cat died and I was so sad about it.  I don't understand why she needed to put me down for so much of my interests and passions. 

So last night was a bit painful, talking to her honestly and being open about everything now that there is nothing to hide.  I love her dearly, I do.  And maybe getting it all out helped me to acknowledge that there is still love beneath the confusion and hurt.  Real love, not dutiful love.  I hope this is the start of a new relationship with her that extends beyond the veil, one that isn't limited by a need to be the person she wanted me to be.  Maybe now she can accept me for who I am.

This morning I woke up feeling much lighter than I did yesterday.  Sunshine outside and the warmth from it certainly helped but no longer feeling spiritually bereft was the bigger reason.  And this morning I felt a connection with Woden as well.  I knew that I wouldn't be limited to just the "Celtic" gods so I was pleased to find that connection.  Maybe it's time to start studying the runes; maybe that's what this connection means. 

I have an appointment tomorrow morning at an insane hour for a stress test to see if I have arterial blockage to my heart.  If so they'll schedule me for a heart catheterization, which I hope would be able to solve the problem.  So much of my life is still on hold awaiting answers but at least I have answers spiritually.  Right now that seems to be enough.