Wednesday, December 12, 2012

I'm a coward

I ran into someone from my former fundie church today at the store and hid my pendants.  Thing is I don't really care what they think about it but I hid it anyway.  Out of fear.  And I can't figure out what I'm afraid of.  I'm pretty sure they know we're pagan because their daughter is a fucking bitch and loves to make people look bad because she's such a wonderful Christian and so much better than everyone else but I wish I hadn't hidden them.  It was a reaction.  I need to learn not to react.

Their middle son was with them and he looked terrified to be there talking with us.  I'm not sure if it's the pagan thing or the gay thing.  Another thing Miss Perfect notified them about, I'm sure.  One thing fundies worry about is the gay thing catching and because we know that all male homosexuals are pedophiles.  NOT!!!!!  Zach used to be a big brother kind of guy to them while we were at that church and they just adored him.  Once he let himself be who he really is, he stopped being around them because he was afraid of the possible hyperbolic consequences of them finding out he was gay.  Sad but if you've never been around fundies you don't really understand their gay panic.  It's very real and very frightening.

So I'm kicking myself for not standing up for the gods and for myself.  Not that the gods need or want me to stand up for them.  Still...I wish I had done differently.

I've been fine tuning my altar, making changes that reflect who I am and how I worship.  And who I worship.  I took most of the pictures down, leaving my Northern Lights picture and the picture of the Yule Tree.  For now.  Those will be moved tomorrow and replaced with more pictures of my ancestors.  And my husband's ancestors.  The pictures of the triple goddess and the women dancing around the fire just don't describe me anymore.  I still love them and will find another place for them, but this path is more about family and the ancestors and my altar needs to reflect that.  I also took the shelf off since I didn't need the extra space.  The moon picture and my sun incense burner are on the altar now along with a picture of my paternal grandparents that is more of a standing frame rather than a hanging one.

The kitchen altar is a bit different, too.  I put my triple goddess picture there because I love the colors and the goddesses seem to fit in better there, although I'm not sure who they are just yet.  I believe Hertha is one of them.  Maybe Frigge is another one.  But I also have a garden gnome on the altar.  Mostly because it's a safe place for it before I put it out in the garden next spring, but also because my hearth focus is more on the house elves rather than a hearth goddess.  I have a much better connection with them.  Although they aren't terribly happy with the state of the house right now.  They like clean rooms and order which my house isn't right now.  Lots of clutter and floors that desperately need to see a mop.  And a carpet that needs cleaning.  Still, they know I'm doing what I can.

I'll try to get some pictures later this week.

I haven't got me Yule decorations out yet.  I really want them up before the 21st but not too soon because I get so tired of them and have been known to take them down on Christmas afternoon.  But I do need to get moving on cleaning so I can put them up.

For now, though, it's off to bed and some knitting.  I've been doing some more reading and learning.  And still feel very much on track.  I hope that feeling never goes away.

BB

4 comments:

  1. For what it's worth - you are not a coward. I've come to believe that my deepest self knows when and where and to what degree to be fully vulnerable. Your higher self was likely protecting you from unnecessary pain or anger or frustration yesterday. I think it's important that we not be hard on ourselves and trust the process. We don't owe anyone an explanation for who we are or what we believe. I have come to believe that no one and no thing requires being defended if it is living its truth. It is because it is and it (whatever or whomever it might be) can stand on that alone. Which is pretty beautiful.

    Much love to you

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    1. I love this!!! Thanks for putting it in perspective like that. But then...you always do that. :)

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    1. Thanks, Lady. I don't feel as foolish now, knowing that others believe in me and understand me. :)

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