Wow. So much time has passed and so many miles traveled on my spiritual journey that I have not had the heart to blog about.
I have felt between worlds for so long, still yearning for the comforts and familiarity of Christianity, still intrigued and drawn to things Pagan. Yesterday in church I had a moment of clarity: this is what I love regardless of what has been done to it by people who were intent on creating a monstrosity of intolerance and rigid rule. I really do love what I do in church. I love the ritual, the history and the people. I love being an Episcopalian, even moreso than being a Christian. Most likely because of the past associations...i.e. fundamentalism. And I must admit, even evangelicalism.
I am ready to embrace Christianity now on its own terms. Not the terms set out by the early church fathers but by that religion which calls to everyone and embraces everyone, unconditionally. I'm not even sure if that's who Jesus really was. It no longer matters to me.
I find that Celtic Christianity really does define it all for me and so that's the path I intend to take. It combines those aspects in me that love both worlds and gives me a peace I haven't known in several years.
I did try to find what I was looking for in Paganism, but it felt artificial for me. I'm not saying that Paganism is artificial, but that it was the wrong choice for me and thus was an artificial choice. As in...not the true one for me. I still do find much truth and spirituality in Paganism, but the street address isn't the one I need to live at. I can still visit my neighbors who live there though.
Although I am sure that most Christians would still not consider me one. On a message board recently I was told by three different Christians that I was not one because I didn't believe in various doctrines they held sacred to Christianity. As if there is a questionnaire one must fill out in order to be a member of the club and if you don't sign off on all the doctrinal questions, you don't get to join the club.
I'm beyond caring. I know that where I am, I am welcome no matter what my beliefs are. I am loved and accepted unconditionally. I have not found that in Christianity anywhere else. It may exist elsewhere but I just haven't found it.
I feel younger, lighter and freer. I'm no longer anxious about my spiritual life. No longer weary of the journey.
Hopefully this blog will be a better beacon of my journey: less whining, more growing. One can only hope.