Going with the flow

Last night I changed my altar to reflect a Greek practice rather than heathen and it felt good to make the changes.  Still, I wasn't sure if this was the right choice to make but I did it anyway.  I put aside most of my heathen books, apart from the books on runes, and brought out some of my Greek books.  Some I still had in my headboard bookcase.  Although I wasn't absolutely sure this was right, I lit my candles, invoked the Greek gods and was literally gobsmacked with the energy I got in response.  I haven't felt that for months.  The feeling lasted a good hour during which time I sat watching the candles, smelling the incense and just thinking about it all.

There are some conclusions I came to which will probably not resemble rational thought at all since I just let the thought processes flow.  The big question I had to answer was, which pantheon gives me a better sense of myself?  The answer to that has always been the Greeks.  I like who I am when I worship them.  Not so much the heathen gods.  I feel very blah with the Norse, not motivated at all.  I considered that maybe I was just going through the depression that is a constant part of my life, but the answer is that I just didn't care about myself at all.

I began thinking about my reasons for not wanting to worship the Greeks.  I've admitted in the past that I have problems with all-or-nothing thinking.  It's like if I'm going to worship the heathen gods, then every aspect of my life...design, literature, movies...all must be about that culture.  I'm not sure how to change that but I'd better figure out a way or my life is going to be miserable, no matter which path I'm on.

In keeping with that attitude, I've felt a certain unworthiness to worship the Greeks because they aren't in my ancestry.  Or at least not that I know of.  I pay way too much attention to people out there claiming ownership of certain cultures because of their ancestral rights and I try too hard to avoid any kind of conflict, even internal.  But the Greeks were my first love and I can't forget that.  I don't think I need to focus on my ancestry because it's obvious that much of my ancestry was Christian and I really don't want to go that route simply because it's a part of my heritage.  So why force a direction simply because some of my ancestors walked that path?

I also got a bit sidetracked by the rules and regs of the recons in Greek polytheism.  Part of that is the all-or-nothing-ness that plagues me.  It's like if I'm going to do something, I have to do it exactly the way it's "supposed" to be done.  I don't give myself freedom to walk my own path.  I say I do, but I don't.  I must learn to worship the gods instinctively instead of from a book or website.  And because of that I tend to categorize the paths into separate segments.  Such as, I think of the Greeks as being more urban (which they're really not) and the Celts and Saxons as being more nature-driven.  None of that is essentially true, but I box myself into these bizarre notions and can't seem to get out.

The bottom line for me, though, is...which gods do I feel more of a connection with and which gods call to me?  The answer to both seems to be the Greeks.  I have always devoured anything to do with Greek mythology, or history or fiction.  Or even movies.  I have never been able to get enough of them.  Not so much the heathen culture.  I can't even bring myself to read the Eddas or the books on mythology.  I got a fictional book from the library about a Saxon sorcerer and it bored me to tears.  I couldn't get past the first few chapters.  And even then I was forcing myself to get that far.

So I suppose my first love is still my love.  I do love them.  Maybe that will have to be enough because I'm still not in love with them.

But as with everything else on my path, I have no idea where my future lies.  I could end up someplace else completely.

But for now...I'm following this stream.