Getting back to normal...ish

Whenever I request books at the library they always seem to come in at once, even if I request them weeks apart.  So I now have a large selection of books to read, some of them Druid, most of them fiction of various sorts.  I'm reading again and it feels so good to use my brain that way.  And that I can read the Druid books is even better.  I've got The Book of Druidry by Ross Nichols.  I've only been reading the forward by Phillip Carr-Gomm so far but that alone is fascinating.  I've also got a book on Celtic mythology and another one about the gods waiting for me at the library.  I had to go there 3 days in a row to pick stuff up so I just refused to do it today.  I'm cleaning house today because the dust levels are knee deep.  Okay I exaggerate.  Only ankle deep.

I had to stop though as I started panting a bit.  I'll finish up the dining room tomorrow.  Already I've accomplished a lot, using Zach's manly muscles for the lifting and moving of furniture.  I've just been organizing and throwing stuff away.  Still, it involved movement and apparently I'm not ready for a lot of that yet.  He'll be doing the vacuuming after supper.  I don't think I'm up for that yet either.

We decided not to do the vegetable garden this year because I haven't started any seedlings yet.  We're going to focus on tidying up the yard and planting flowers and bushes and such.  I'd like to attract some bees this year for next year's garden.  Plus I think we need the aesthetics this year to make ourselves feel more connected to the Nature that lives in our yard.  I plan to spend a lot of time outside this summer and I hope some of it can be enjoyed in our yard.  The mosquitoes will decide how much, though.  They get very bad here.  Swarms of them, bad.

I'm not making a lot of plans for the summer since I don't know what is going to happen to me yet but I do hope to make it to Circle Sanctuary over Memorial Day weekend.  Tom is taking some vacation days so we don't have to travel on the weekend portion when everyone else is out there.  We might also look at some paranormal sights within driving distance, too.  I'd like to do some investigating on a very low level.  One of the other books I got from the library is about the paranormal sights in the next county over from us.  Well within driving distance.

I also need to get busy writing and working on my crafts since it looks like we'll be going ahead with our business.  It's mostly catering to the Pagan crowd but there will be things of a generic type.  I haven't organized any kind of a future inventory yet but I hope to get around to that once I've got the house in better shape.  It's been months since I was able to clean and while the guys kept the dishes done and the bathroom within health standards, nothing else got done so there is a ton of dusting and vacuuming to do.  Not that I'm doing all that, mind you.  But I am directing it.

I think tonight will be a lot more reading than knitting since I'm in the mood.  But now I need to start supper for the guys and for me.  Mine is pretty simple and theirs is just a one pot meal so it's not so difficult.  I can read in between cooking.

Spiritually refreshed

With all the intensity involving my health lately, my spiritual practices have been put aside, which definitely affects me adversely.  I have missed ritual, connecting with deity and even studying spiritual things.  I got a book from the library called The Mist-filled Path but my concentration levels have me only skimming the pages.  I'm reading fiction as well:  The Iron Druid series my son loves so passionately.  Even that requires a lot of concentration I don't seem to have.

So last night I made the effort to turn off the tv and concentrate on my altar and the gods/goddesses for a bit.  It was worth it.  I found the connection I had lost and felt so spiritually refreshed afterward.  I didn't do much more than a few ritual-like things...lighting candles and incense, sprinkling kosher salt on the altar as well as sanctified water and some prayer time.  Cernunnos has always felt warm and inviting to me so I made the effort to spend some time talking to him as well as Danu who has become very much a mother to me.  I made gestures to other deities as well, mostly of the Celtic/Welsh/Irish persuasion.  They felt inviting as well.

But the big thing for me last night was connecting with my mother beyond the veil.  I hadn't tried before for reasons that aren't really known to me.  I suppose part of it was not actually accepting her death fully but part of it might have been the nature of our relationship while she was living.  I still hear her voice in my head criticizing me whenever I do something I know she wouldn't approve of, like wearing my hair long or coloring it or spending time with my dog.  For some reason she chose to ridicule me when my cat died and I was so sad about it.  I don't understand why she needed to put me down for so much of my interests and passions. 

So last night was a bit painful, talking to her honestly and being open about everything now that there is nothing to hide.  I love her dearly, I do.  And maybe getting it all out helped me to acknowledge that there is still love beneath the confusion and hurt.  Real love, not dutiful love.  I hope this is the start of a new relationship with her that extends beyond the veil, one that isn't limited by a need to be the person she wanted me to be.  Maybe now she can accept me for who I am.

This morning I woke up feeling much lighter than I did yesterday.  Sunshine outside and the warmth from it certainly helped but no longer feeling spiritually bereft was the bigger reason.  And this morning I felt a connection with Woden as well.  I knew that I wouldn't be limited to just the "Celtic" gods so I was pleased to find that connection.  Maybe it's time to start studying the runes; maybe that's what this connection means. 

I have an appointment tomorrow morning at an insane hour for a stress test to see if I have arterial blockage to my heart.  If so they'll schedule me for a heart catheterization, which I hope would be able to solve the problem.  So much of my life is still on hold awaiting answers but at least I have answers spiritually.  Right now that seems to be enough.

Holding patterns

I've been sort of in a holding pattern until they can find out more about what caused the congestive heart failure, which leaves me in bed most of the time unable to do anything lest I damage my heart further.  I have been to the store a couple of times, once just moving very slowly with my cane.  Twice with the electric cart they provide.  Without the cart I am so tired and sore and can't get out of bed for a day or two afterward.

I haven't done as much reading as I would like.  Concentration really sucks when you have life or death matters on your mind.  And I have had those on my mind for months...mostly due to my mother's illness and death.  Now I think about my own.  Not a lot of fun.

As a result of this situation, though, my mind has turned to things that comfort me and part of that is druidry.  I have a few books on the subject and just ordered more from the library (along with a spooky horror movie I haven't seen yet.)  Zach found himself thinking along the same lines so we are studying a bit together.  I have missed some aspects of spirituality that I had briefly set aside while finding my way and now feel very drawn back to them.  I miss a stronger connection with the deities and the deeper spiritual things.

I am still very much on an eclectic path though.  I found some connection with some Celtic-type deities and was drawn a bit toward some of the Norse, too.  And my beloved Greeks are still hanging around although I don't feel drawn to them so much anymore. 

Not sure what will happen for Beltane as I have an obscenely early appointment in Fond du Lac for an echocardiogram so I will be thoroughly exhausted and most likely unable to do anything much.  Maybe Zach will do a ritual in my room so I can watch.  Or just participate in a minor way.  I'm not much of a leader anyway.  I'd rather be in the background.

Time for a nap now.  I'm supposed to rest every afternoon, take a nap and just chill out.  I'm learning to let others take care of me.  It's not very easy though.

Learning to deal with it

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around my mother being gone and this diagnosis that is keeping me mostly in bed all the time.  I do get up and around occasionally but until we get the fluid out of and around my lungs I'm supposed to avoid exertion...which right now is just about anything.  I have fixed myself breakfast and sit up in a chair for a while.  And while showers exhaust me, I'm not forgoing those at all either.

Mostly I'm feeling a bit abandoned.  Not having any friends has always been an issue for me but every effort I made always failed so I just stopped trying.  Now, I sit alone except for Zach (Tom is either at work or sleeping) but I hate to keep bugging him.  He waits on me hand and foot, fixes my meals, cleans up after me and runs errands for me, but I still feel very much alone.

Sadly the world does not revolve around me.  Or maybe that's not so sad.

I do need to pull myself out of this pity party and find the positive in it all.  I am working on some old projects that had been abandoned so that's good.  I'm focusing totally on regaining my health and doing what I need to do to accomplish that so that's good as well.  My blood sugar has dropped 30 points in the last month, so that's excellent.

Now if I could just get my brain back so I could read again.  I have so many books on the headboard of the bed just waiting to be read and I can't concentrate.  I haven't done any rituals lately because I just can't concentrate on that either. 

And I'm sleepy all the time.

Still, during all of this I have developed a connection, although not a relationship yet, with Airmid and Danu.  And surprisingly with Brighid as long as I don't think of her as a hearth goddess.  As the goddess of craft she really draws me, but as a goddess of the hearth, not at all.  I had come to the conclusion a while back that hearth goddesses didn't appeal to me in general but because I never listen to myself, I struggled to find a hearth goddess in the Greek or Norse pantheons.  Never made the connection with them either.  Now, house elves or house spirits, yes, but not goddesses.

I also have remained consistently on this path for quite a while considering the way I have gone back and forth from month to month.  Of course, I have the freedom to call upon the gods in other pantheons any time I feel so driven so I have no need to shift from this path. 

I am frustrated that this illness has interfered in the forward movement I have wanted on this path, however. Still, I need to figure out a way to do it all from here because waiting for something to change is never a good thing.  I should learn to deal with my circumstances as they are now.

Shamefully repeated from the other blog

Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far awa--no, wait, that was this galaxy--I had chemo. Now chemo medications are mostly poisons that kill off cells in your body.  And while they can do great things to nasty cancer cells, they can also cause harm to healthy cells as well.  Fast forward to about a year ago when i started noticing I was tiring out more and more often and unable to function as well as I used to.  I thought it was the fibromyalgia which causes a lot of fatigue in the people who have it.

Not so.

Fast forward again to a month ago when I developed pneumonia that got better and then got gradually worse.  Unfortunately the pneumonia triggered that nasty side effect they warned me about, which was apparently already manifesting itself in my body anyway.

So my dr agreed with Dr. Jerk's expensive tests and sent me to the ER in Fond du Lac to meet with the pulmonologist and be evaluated by him.  Thankfully he sent me home after his assessment but unfortunately that nasty side effect will be with me until the day I check out.  The one side effect I really feared was congestive heart failure.  And that's what all this has been.  Initially it was the pneumonia, the pulmonologist agreed, but now it's not.

He assures me I will have a full life ahead of me but it won't be as active as it used to be as I now have limitations due to a weakened heart muscle.  On more meds now and hopefully this will get rid of the excess fluid in and around my lungs. 

I'm going to have to stay in bed for a while and then gradually get up and about, walking and such but no strenuous exercise and no really physical work at home.  At least for quite a while.

I'm still processing this emotionally but for now I'm going to bed and take a nap.

Reaching from beyond the veil

On Friday night Zach and I started doing ritual at the ancestor altar, after putting my mom's picture and her engagement ring, the first one Daddy gave her, on the altar.  We had just started the first prayer when my cell phone rang.  Normally I wouldn't have answered but as my family had my cell phone number I thought it might be them.  To my utter shock and pleasure it was my estranged daughter calling to see how I was doing.  I hadn't talked to her since my chemo and only recently did she friend me on facebook allowing me to see the pictures of her kids.  She doesn't acknowledge me as her mother, which I suppose I deserve.

It was my mother's dearest wish that we repair our relationship although it never happened in her lifetime.  I can't help think that just as we were preparing to honor her as our newest ancestor, she reached beyond the veil and influenced my daughter into calling me.  We talked for nearly an hour about everything..and nothing.  I think we did repair some bridges but I still won't presume to have fixed everything.  Maybe nothing more will come of it or maybe this is the start of something.  Who knows?  I only know that my mother is responsible for this.  My Christian family would say it was God honoring Mom's request.  I give Mom the credit that now as an ancestor she affected the change herself.  She didn't need anyone to do it for her.  But I am completely convinced that my path is right for me and that by this gesture on her part, she was telling me that, too.

I have more to talk about later but as I am still in bed resting I need to go back to doing that.  Any prayers, energy, candles, etc would greatly be appreciated if they were sent this way.  I am having such trouble getting over this pneumonia.

Through the veil

Sometime around 4 a.m, my time, my mother passed through the veil to take her place among the ancestors.  That's about how I phrased it on facebook.  My friends were very loving and supportive.  Some of them are Christians, some atheists, some fellow pagans.  All of them were very sweet.  My in-laws as well. 

I am experiencing a muddle of emotions, as to be expected I suppose.  Relief is way up on the list.  Mom was dying by inches and for some reason prolonged it way beyond the expectations of the medical field. She lasted 16 days past her last dialysis, something that boggled their minds.  But while her physical health diminished, her dementia grew increasingly to the degree she was abusive with the staff at the nursing home.  Fortunately, they knew this wasn't her but her disease and were gracious and kind to her in return.  My sisters sat vigil with her daily up into the night until they had to go home and get some sleep.  Because of this, Mom was alone when she slipped away.  Oddly, I think she planned it that way.

Other emotions that go together are grief, sorrow and sadness, of course.  They aren't really the exact same emotion although they are similar.  Don't ask me to explain the different right now.  My brain isn't answering my calls today.  I will miss the phone calls we shared about every week even if we haven't had them since January.  I'll miss her filling me in on the town and family gossip.  And her expertise on homemaking and gardening.  While there are things I won't miss, I'm not going to dwell on those right now.  This is the time to mourn.

Excitement is another emotion...or rather anticipation.  When Steph called this morning (the baby sister) I was already awake so I took the only picture I've been able to find so far, a picture of both parents, and set up her place on the ancestor altar.  I learned from M, one of my greatest online friends, that Sekhmet is a Mother Goddess so I placed her statue on the ancestor altar.  I added Bast as well because they seemed to want to remain together.  I haven't done any rituals yet.  I will do some tonight although I probably won't call upon Mom tonight. I figure she needs time to adjust and get to know her surroundings first.  Beltane is approaching and I am so looking forward to it.  It has been one of my favorites but I never knew until recently that the veil is also thin on that day.

I look forward to having a different relationship with Mom.  In some ways we might end up closer than we were when she walked this earth.  I'm not assuming that...just considering it as a possibility.

The emotion I didn't anticipate was feeling liberated.  Much of my life was spent avoiding her disapproval, even keeping things from her to avoid a lecture, even into my 50s.  One of the biggest reasons I never wrote publicly was because I was afraid of her reaction. Maybe that was just an excuse but it was still very valid.  I knew it would break her heart to learn that I had left Christianity and was now a Pagan.  I couldn't do that to her, but I also had ulterior motives for hiding it from her.  I didn't want her to preach to me or tell me she was disappointed in me.  I heard that enough.  Feeling free this soon wasn't something I thought would happen. I don't worry now about what I write in my blogs or on facecrack.  I'm free to write and be comfortably me.

She was a good woman and selfless in her devotion to her god.  She gave of herself all the time to her church and the people she cared about.  The church will be full on Monday morning.  I wonder sometimes what to do with my Christian ancestors who looked down on non-Christians and thought they were doomed to eternal torment.  Did they get to go to their version of the afterlife?  Or are they now aware that there is more than one way to spend eternity?  Am I wrong to put her on the ancestor altar and pray to her?  I don't know. Time will tell, I suppose.  Or not.  I may never know the answer to those questions.  Mostly I have just prayed to the unknown and distant ancestors.  Now I think I might include those nearer in my prayers.

Tonight I will call upon Sekhmet and Danu and The Morrigan whose raven pentacle I wear all the time.  And I will tell them about Joyce and her love for life, her husband, her daughters and her grandchildren.  And how she did for others without regard for her own health.  And what a loving mother she was.  I won't say the problems we had in the past have vanished from my mind or my heart, but I will try not to dwell on them.  They are in the past and can never be repeated again.  That part of the relationship is over.  The new one begins.