Spiritually refreshed

With all the intensity involving my health lately, my spiritual practices have been put aside, which definitely affects me adversely.  I have missed ritual, connecting with deity and even studying spiritual things.  I got a book from the library called The Mist-filled Path but my concentration levels have me only skimming the pages.  I'm reading fiction as well:  The Iron Druid series my son loves so passionately.  Even that requires a lot of concentration I don't seem to have.

So last night I made the effort to turn off the tv and concentrate on my altar and the gods/goddesses for a bit.  It was worth it.  I found the connection I had lost and felt so spiritually refreshed afterward.  I didn't do much more than a few ritual-like things...lighting candles and incense, sprinkling kosher salt on the altar as well as sanctified water and some prayer time.  Cernunnos has always felt warm and inviting to me so I made the effort to spend some time talking to him as well as Danu who has become very much a mother to me.  I made gestures to other deities as well, mostly of the Celtic/Welsh/Irish persuasion.  They felt inviting as well.

But the big thing for me last night was connecting with my mother beyond the veil.  I hadn't tried before for reasons that aren't really known to me.  I suppose part of it was not actually accepting her death fully but part of it might have been the nature of our relationship while she was living.  I still hear her voice in my head criticizing me whenever I do something I know she wouldn't approve of, like wearing my hair long or coloring it or spending time with my dog.  For some reason she chose to ridicule me when my cat died and I was so sad about it.  I don't understand why she needed to put me down for so much of my interests and passions. 

So last night was a bit painful, talking to her honestly and being open about everything now that there is nothing to hide.  I love her dearly, I do.  And maybe getting it all out helped me to acknowledge that there is still love beneath the confusion and hurt.  Real love, not dutiful love.  I hope this is the start of a new relationship with her that extends beyond the veil, one that isn't limited by a need to be the person she wanted me to be.  Maybe now she can accept me for who I am.

This morning I woke up feeling much lighter than I did yesterday.  Sunshine outside and the warmth from it certainly helped but no longer feeling spiritually bereft was the bigger reason.  And this morning I felt a connection with Woden as well.  I knew that I wouldn't be limited to just the "Celtic" gods so I was pleased to find that connection.  Maybe it's time to start studying the runes; maybe that's what this connection means. 

I have an appointment tomorrow morning at an insane hour for a stress test to see if I have arterial blockage to my heart.  If so they'll schedule me for a heart catheterization, which I hope would be able to solve the problem.  So much of my life is still on hold awaiting answers but at least I have answers spiritually.  Right now that seems to be enough.