I'm still trying to wrap my brain around my mother being gone and this diagnosis that is keeping me mostly in bed all the time. I do get up and around occasionally but until we get the fluid out of and around my lungs I'm supposed to avoid exertion...which right now is just about anything. I have fixed myself breakfast and sit up in a chair for a while. And while showers exhaust me, I'm not forgoing those at all either.
Mostly I'm feeling a bit abandoned. Not having any friends has always been an issue for me but every effort I made always failed so I just stopped trying. Now, I sit alone except for Zach (Tom is either at work or sleeping) but I hate to keep bugging him. He waits on me hand and foot, fixes my meals, cleans up after me and runs errands for me, but I still feel very much alone.
Sadly the world does not revolve around me. Or maybe that's not so sad.
I do need to pull myself out of this pity party and find the positive in it all. I am working on some old projects that had been abandoned so that's good. I'm focusing totally on regaining my health and doing what I need to do to accomplish that so that's good as well. My blood sugar has dropped 30 points in the last month, so that's excellent.
Now if I could just get my brain back so I could read again. I have so many books on the headboard of the bed just waiting to be read and I can't concentrate. I haven't done any rituals lately because I just can't concentrate on that either.
And I'm sleepy all the time.
Still, during all of this I have developed a connection, although not a relationship yet, with Airmid and Danu. And surprisingly with Brighid as long as I don't think of her as a hearth goddess. As the goddess of craft she really draws me, but as a goddess of the hearth, not at all. I had come to the conclusion a while back that hearth goddesses didn't appeal to me in general but because I never listen to myself, I struggled to find a hearth goddess in the Greek or Norse pantheons. Never made the connection with them either. Now, house elves or house spirits, yes, but not goddesses.
I also have remained consistently on this path for quite a while considering the way I have gone back and forth from month to month. Of course, I have the freedom to call upon the gods in other pantheons any time I feel so driven so I have no need to shift from this path.
I am frustrated that this illness has interfered in the forward movement I have wanted on this path, however. Still, I need to figure out a way to do it all from here because waiting for something to change is never a good thing. I should learn to deal with my circumstances as they are now.
Mostly I'm feeling a bit abandoned. Not having any friends has always been an issue for me but every effort I made always failed so I just stopped trying. Now, I sit alone except for Zach (Tom is either at work or sleeping) but I hate to keep bugging him. He waits on me hand and foot, fixes my meals, cleans up after me and runs errands for me, but I still feel very much alone.
Sadly the world does not revolve around me. Or maybe that's not so sad.
I do need to pull myself out of this pity party and find the positive in it all. I am working on some old projects that had been abandoned so that's good. I'm focusing totally on regaining my health and doing what I need to do to accomplish that so that's good as well. My blood sugar has dropped 30 points in the last month, so that's excellent.
Now if I could just get my brain back so I could read again. I have so many books on the headboard of the bed just waiting to be read and I can't concentrate. I haven't done any rituals lately because I just can't concentrate on that either.
And I'm sleepy all the time.
Still, during all of this I have developed a connection, although not a relationship yet, with Airmid and Danu. And surprisingly with Brighid as long as I don't think of her as a hearth goddess. As the goddess of craft she really draws me, but as a goddess of the hearth, not at all. I had come to the conclusion a while back that hearth goddesses didn't appeal to me in general but because I never listen to myself, I struggled to find a hearth goddess in the Greek or Norse pantheons. Never made the connection with them either. Now, house elves or house spirits, yes, but not goddesses.
I also have remained consistently on this path for quite a while considering the way I have gone back and forth from month to month. Of course, I have the freedom to call upon the gods in other pantheons any time I feel so driven so I have no need to shift from this path.
I am frustrated that this illness has interfered in the forward movement I have wanted on this path, however. Still, I need to figure out a way to do it all from here because waiting for something to change is never a good thing. I should learn to deal with my circumstances as they are now.
No comments:
Post a Comment